James didn't die, physically- our relationship did, though, and it feels like a death to me. I'm not trying to compare my grief to anyone who has lost a loved one in the physical sense; That is very different, and.. very alike.
The day before Mother's Day, on a hunch fueled by "womens intuition," I found my boyfriend/ fiance' (of three years) cheating, after having lied about going out of town. I was shocked- I had my suspicions for roughly 2 months. I never told him, I just watched- I paid attention.
When I caught him, he wouldn't even face me, wouldn't even acknoweledge what had happened. I was left to wonder, to hurt, to draw my own conclusions. I understand I lost not the wonderful man I thought I had, but the dream of the wonderful man- the illusion. It's been nearly a month- I go back and forth between anger, sadness and feeling happy- fine, even.
I may never understand why he chose to do this, but I can accept it and move on.. I'm not sure how long it will take- I'm not bitter, I don't hate men. I am lonely and I miss him. How sad, the very arms that pushed me away are the ones I wish to comfort me. That will just never happen.