~ 10 Months today ~ 4/21/11 now ~ 6/21/10 then

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

It started last night. For some reason I couldn't get into bed and go to sleep. Words, memories, you name it, they were running laps in my brain refusing to go away.
I pulled out the album I made of things we did and where we went in our life. At the end of the album are funeral pictures and a poem I wrote to Billy just before I left Arkansas.
As I walk down the hall ~
Foot steps echo my good-bye
Each door closes with the tenderness of loves sorrow gone ~
Its time to step from the past, the darkness of uncertainly
Into the future, the light of a new dawning day
I leave my heart, my soul and the very fiber of my life
Until I return one day to rest with my love,
no more tears of despair to fall
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Then of course I had to look at "MY" special album. The one from the funeral. As I'm looking I'm asking myself why? Why are you doing this as tears start to fall, you know your going to cry, feel that pain and sorrow, bits of broken heart on each picture. But I did. I cried tears for a love gone, a home no more, a life I cannot have and missing my best friend at the turn of each page.
Lately I'm being dragged and pulled into this pit of despair, pain and hopelessness and I can't figure out why.
Today is 10 months, 4/21/11 now ~ 6/21/10 then. Today for some reason I feel like I've been beaten and battered with memories of that day. Coming home and finding him, in the hospital, the shoes that felt out of my hand and me yelling what going on? Me on my knees praying for God to give me the strength and courage for whats to come not realizing how my life was going to drastically change. Sitting at his side after the doctors left ~ a sheet covering him to his neck ~ me and Barbara Kay his cousin lost in memories, thoughts and in tears. The days that followed.
It was like I was back there again and it was all running through my mind at work. Fortunately they didn't see me crying. It felt like I was going to have a major, major meltdown and with the cash on my desk I couldn't leave. I had to get control (good luck) but with some deep breathes, time and a few tissues I pulled it in, locked it down and put it away. Isn't that what we all do?
I know as it gets closer to the 1 year mark I'm feeling out of sorts and unable to control myself.
Last night I pulled out my journals. I had stopped in October when I got to Las Vegas, thought Hey, I doing OK. Guess What? Not so... So at 11:00 I took pen to paper with tears left on pages again. This demon call grief attacks when lease expected. Stabbing and ripping the very soul of my heart and being. So I say what I needed to say and then prayed once more, please give me the strength to handle what's to come and continue. . .
Some days there's more backpedaling just to keep up, but tomorrow is a new day, the sun will come up, I will go to work and the sun will go down and with that maybe some more tears.
So my life will continue, what direction who knows ~
I will endure ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for ~ 10 Months today ~ 4/21/11 now ~ 6/21/10 then

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Apr 24, 2011
Grief through the lens of eternity
by: Anonymous

Pat, Judi, Maria, Trish,
My heart goes out to yours Ladies.
Amen to all of what you said!
Grief is so hard,
so unpredictable...
yet strangely refreshing and healing.
My Father died about 6 months ago.
The grief is agonizing.
I had someone come up to me at his
funeral, hug me and say;
"Oh, you'll feel grief for about a week,
then you'll feel better!"
To me, NOT grieving is like holding your breath.
I know God carries our sorrow.
He also collects our tears and puts them
in His bottle.
I thank God for Jesus, who I put my faith and trust in.
He died on the cross and 3 days later rose again! I believe I will see my loved ones in Heaven one day!
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."
Revelation 21:3-5
That day will be here before you know it!
But while we still have breath, may God help
us live life to the fullest, and be all that we were created to be. And remember, Jesus wept too.

Apr 23, 2011
the countdown 10,11,12?


The year mark is so unbearably hard. The last days and moments of their lives cruelly come back to torture us. And there is no off button to stop it. I think that somehow we do think that the grief we felt for the past year should cut us some slack and bring only fine memories of the love we once had.

Grief is cruel the bad memories wash over our minds over and over a living hell as if surviving this long meant nothing. Things will ease for you but the year mark is like the climax of grief. Every emotion and memory that you ever felt comes crashing down all at once. We have to remind ourselves to just breathe.

Some how it seems impossible that we survived an entire year, Yet it also feels as if it just happened yesterday. Please continue to come here read, write let us know how you are. All of us here have become a family of sorts. We share our innermost thoughts that no one else could possibly understand. As always one step one breath.

Apr 22, 2011
7 months between then and now
by: Judith in California

Patricia, I pray you will come to terms with this awful thing. I too am going through a heavy remembering period. I feel the same way you do. The crying begins and stops then begins again. It began yesterday as I was driving home from the store and by the time i arrived home it was full blast. I pray to God to let me let go. but how do you let go of 36 years? Would someone please tell me. And then tell me why I have to. It's just plan and simple to me " we're heartbroken" , longing for what we know deep down we can't have ever again but still wanting it so , I don't care who sees me cry and you shouldn't either . Holding back only makes it worse. I'm going to look into a support group and hope it helps. This such an awful ride. I know we have to go the full course as we're thrashed and beaten emotionally into our new normal in order to continue on. But we will be smarter and better equipped to handle other things in life and better able to help others who will go through it one day.

Take care of yourself Pat. We must let it out anytime we can because it helps us heal.

God bless you and bring you peace.

Apr 22, 2011
I know how you feel
by: Maria in nc

Hi Patricia,

It was nice to see someone else post a picture of their loved one. My Jimmy passed away 2-7-2011. This journey is so very hard. I am sorry for your loss and losing your best friend, husband. My heart aches for you and for me too. I wonder what my life will turn out to be without my love by my side who knew me so well. A lifetime of love understanding is gone. I miss my Jimmy. I hope this is helping you knowing your not alone in your journey. You wonder were the people go who where by your side when it first happened. Why no one see our tears and the heartbreak we feel and will feel for sometime.

I was cleaning our room today and look around and see his side of the bed and that he isn't there anymore. I miss him and yet I feel so much love for him.

May you find peace and feel the love you shared.

Apr 22, 2011
Pressure at The One Year Mark?
by: TrishJ

I met a wonderful lady at my grief support group. It was one year for her a few weeks ago. We had coffee after the meeting. She told me as the one year mark approached she was feeling immense pressure to "move on." I think everyone in her life thought one year was enough to grieve and she needed to get her act together. Are you maybe feeling that pressure?
One year isn't enough. Two years isn't enough.
Is any time ever enough? My nephew flew in from San Diego to be with the family for Easter. As he approached me at the airport yesterday, I saw how much he looks like my brother, the tears came. It's been 24 years and the trauma of my brother's untimely death just came flooding back. It's been 24 years!! My nephew was only 4 years old when his dad tragically died. We never get over it. Part of us remains forever in mourning. We never stop missing them.
It's only been four months for me and today I'm feeling double depression over my husband's death and now the memories of my brother. Everything will come crashing down on me Sunday (Easter). We are having brunch at the same country club we did last year. Joe was there with us and actually feeling pretty good that day.
I just have to keep telling myself....it will get better. We just do the best we can. Some days I'm not able (or maybe even willing) to put any effort into this grief stuff. It's a lot of work.
I have days when I actually feel myself sliding backward and don't even care.
The next few days with all this family time is going to be enjoyable and impossible. I'm looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time.
As always ~ one breath, one step at a time.
Happy Spring!

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