~ 10 Months today ~ 4/21/11 now ~ 6/21/10 then
It started last night. For some reason I couldn't get into bed and go to sleep. Words, memories, you name it, they were running laps in my brain refusing to go away.
I pulled out the album I made of things we did and where we went in our life. At the end of the album are funeral pictures and a poem I wrote to Billy just before I left Arkansas.
As I walk down the hall ~
Foot steps echo my good-bye
Each door closes with the tenderness of loves sorrow gone ~
Its time to step from the past, the darkness of uncertainly
Into the future, the light of a new dawning day
I leave my heart, my soul and the very fiber of my life
Until I return one day to rest with my love,
no more tears of despair to fall
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~
Then of course I had to look at "MY" special album. The one from the funeral. As I'm looking I'm asking myself why? Why are you doing this as tears start to fall, you know your going to cry, feel that pain and sorrow, bits of broken heart on each picture. But I did. I cried tears for a love gone, a home no more, a life I cannot have and missing my best friend at the turn of each page.
Lately I'm being dragged and pulled into this pit of despair, pain and hopelessness and I can't figure out why.
Today is 10 months, 4/21/11 now ~ 6/21/10 then. Today for some reason I feel like I've been beaten and battered with memories of that day. Coming home and finding him, in the hospital, the shoes that felt out of my hand and me yelling what going on? Me on my knees praying for God to give me the strength and courage for whats to come not realizing how my life was going to drastically change. Sitting at his side after the doctors left ~ a sheet covering him to his neck ~ me and Barbara Kay his cousin lost in memories, thoughts and in tears. The days that followed.
It was like I was back there again and it was all running through my mind at work. Fortunately they didn't see me crying. It felt like I was going to have a major, major meltdown and with the cash on my desk I couldn't leave. I had to get control (good luck) but with some deep breathes, time and a few tissues I pulled it in, locked it down and put it away. Isn't that what we all do?
I know as it gets closer to the 1 year mark I'm feeling out of sorts and unable to control myself.
Last night I pulled out my journals. I had stopped in October when I got to Las Vegas, thought Hey, I doing OK. Guess What? Not so... So at 11:00 I took pen to paper with tears left on pages again. This demon call grief attacks when lease expected. Stabbing and ripping the very soul of my heart and being. So I say what I needed to say and then prayed once more, please give me the strength to handle what's to come and continue. . .
Some days there's more backpedaling just to keep up, but tomorrow is a new day, the sun will come up, I will go to work and the sun will go down and with that maybe some more tears.
So my life will continue, what direction who knows ~
I will endure ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~