1 large step for life ~ 1 small step for me....

Another piece has been put into the puzzle. I've finally secured a full-time, 40 hours a week job with benefits. I was beginning to worry that I would use up all my insurance money. I've never had to worry about things like that because Billy even thought disabled gave us the steady income until I found what I wanted to do.


All I know is that sometimes out here on my own its scary. You live and learn and were suppose to spend the rest of our lives, "The Golden Years", "Retirement" to enjoy each other but the days were cut short and to the point. It feels like someone pulled the rug out from under me at times.

But good news ~ I interview for this job on 3/21/11 ~ 9 month to the day of Billy passing. So on my way to the job interview I put in a little request.... I just need a little help I asked. I've been looking so long and the job market in Las Vegas is the highest in the country. Lets face it ~ it sucks . . .
I had a good interview, in fact strange as it was, the HR person lost her husband in December, same issues Billy had. Coincidence?
I call it my "Godwink".

We talked, it worked and 2 days later I have a job. Something I love to do, what I'm good at and comfortable with.
Again, Coincidence?

Call it a sign or whatever. all I know is someone "Up There" helped to move me along in this new life I'm in. Its scary in one way and comforting in another.

But then again I'm back to square 1 ~ missing him, not having this to share and talk and get excited with. I do talk to him in the car (I'm sure the people around me think I crazy) but what I wouldn't give to hear his voice again, it breaks my heart. I think back to our conversations, anything just to hear his voice in my head. Life is moving me along but I'm kicking and screaming each step I'm taken away from him. Its only days and dates physically speaking but all time away from him is lonely.

I don't understand, how do they expect us to "Move On" as they put it. There is no moving on ~ you get up in the morning, breathe, get dressed and if you work just a couple more steps. Its not living, its moving in space and wondering when I'll fly off this earth. Be strong, you have family, friends and kids ~ NO NO NO ~ it doesn't make sense at times and I'm so confused I feel like I'm going in circles. Well I want it to Stop....

OOPS ~ must be the anger ~ I forget what stage. I'm really tired of the stages. Who thought of those anyway. Are they in our shoes... I don't think so...

STOP STOP STOP ` I'm sorry, emotions pulling every direction and you might as well put me in a rubber room at times. I go from hot to cold in minutes and then crying to climbing the walls. I bet no one ever told Cinderella this could happen. All I know is my Prince Charming is gone and I hate it.

So I will take a deep breath, relax and try to take control ~ good luck with that one huh????
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, everybody on this site ~ I don't know where I would be if I couldn't express my fears, craziness and hate that this journey takes us at time. Even reading this back to myself it sounds like I've lost my mind. Where to go and what to do. I guess were all in the same sinking boat at time with not enough fingers to stop the leaks. Time to paddle and move along as they say ~
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~