1 large step for life ~ 1 small step for me....

Billy ~ My Fozzy Bear on Facebook

Billy ~ My Fozzy Bear on Facebook

Another piece has been put into the puzzle. I've finally secured a full-time, 40 hours a week job with benefits. I was beginning to worry that I would use up all my insurance money. I've never had to worry about things like that because Billy even thought disabled gave us the steady income until I found what I wanted to do.


All I know is that sometimes out here on my own its scary. You live and learn and were suppose to spend the rest of our lives, "The Golden Years", "Retirement" to enjoy each other but the days were cut short and to the point. It feels like someone pulled the rug out from under me at times.

But good news ~ I interview for this job on 3/21/11 ~ 9 month to the day of Billy passing. So on my way to the job interview I put in a little request.... I just need a little help I asked. I've been looking so long and the job market in Las Vegas is the highest in the country. Lets face it ~ it sucks . . .
I had a good interview, in fact strange as it was, the HR person lost her husband in December, same issues Billy had. Coincidence?
I call it my "Godwink".

We talked, it worked and 2 days later I have a job. Something I love to do, what I'm good at and comfortable with.
Again, Coincidence?

Call it a sign or whatever. all I know is someone "Up There" helped to move me along in this new life I'm in. Its scary in one way and comforting in another.

But then again I'm back to square 1 ~ missing him, not having this to share and talk and get excited with. I do talk to him in the car (I'm sure the people around me think I crazy) but what I wouldn't give to hear his voice again, it breaks my heart. I think back to our conversations, anything just to hear his voice in my head. Life is moving me along but I'm kicking and screaming each step I'm taken away from him. Its only days and dates physically speaking but all time away from him is lonely.

I don't understand, how do they expect us to "Move On" as they put it. There is no moving on ~ you get up in the morning, breathe, get dressed and if you work just a couple more steps. Its not living, its moving in space and wondering when I'll fly off this earth. Be strong, you have family, friends and kids ~ NO NO NO ~ it doesn't make sense at times and I'm so confused I feel like I'm going in circles. Well I want it to Stop....

OOPS ~ must be the anger ~ I forget what stage. I'm really tired of the stages. Who thought of those anyway. Are they in our shoes... I don't think so...

STOP STOP STOP ` I'm sorry, emotions pulling every direction and you might as well put me in a rubber room at times. I go from hot to cold in minutes and then crying to climbing the walls. I bet no one ever told Cinderella this could happen. All I know is my Prince Charming is gone and I hate it.

So I will take a deep breath, relax and try to take control ~ good luck with that one huh????
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, everybody on this site ~ I don't know where I would be if I couldn't express my fears, craziness and hate that this journey takes us at time. Even reading this back to myself it sounds like I've lost my mind. Where to go and what to do. I guess were all in the same sinking boat at time with not enough fingers to stop the leaks. Time to paddle and move along as they say ~
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for 1 large step for life ~ 1 small step for me....

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Mar 26, 2011
Bravo to you!
by: Judy

Patricia,

A big well done to you for getting a job and one you like at that.

If talking to your lost spouse is crazy than we all belong together in a nuthouse somewhere. I talk to Barry frequently, although less so as I've become stronger emotionally. The car is one of my favorite spots, as well as on the couch in the living room, addressing his picture on the mantel. I also give his picture in the bedroom a little wave as I leave for the day. If this makes me crazy, so be it.

Just hang in there. You're doing great!

JM

Mar 26, 2011
On your way ...
by: Anonymous

Patrica,

I really like your expression God winks. It explains how we are being watched over. Some things are too much of a coincidence to just have happened like it does.

The back and forth of emotions the strength to move forward yet falling back is all part of grief. I do not think that the 7 stages of grief follow one another. Much back and forth, good days and bad remind me of trying to get out of a hole in the ground with nothing to hold onto to pull ourselves out.

We all have to find our courage buried within the fear. Living life without the very person that made life worth living. You have come so far. You are not insane just going down the long road of grief with its winding trails of loneliness and bits of joy. Just enough to keep us going. We will all know how important life really is, not to waste another day because it can be gone in a flash. My best to you and congrats on the new job.
HH

Mar 25, 2011
large step
by: Mari

I am so pleased to hear that you got the job. It is simply wonderful. I might add it is a God thing to be sure. God is taking care of you. It sounds like a large step to me.

You are doing better then you think but just don't know it yet. You will be busy and to my way of thinking that helps as we move along trying to cope with grief.

The grief just comes in waves at times. We cannot help it as we lost the love of our life we go on trusting God to see us through.

I get angry too wondering why my sweetheart left me to be with the Lord when I still need him. I feel his presence and miss him so much.He adored the grandkids and he adored me. I ,like you, just take a step at a time.Sometimes I think I am making progress and then start missing him again.

I too got a new job and I prayed first that the hours would work out so I could still work here at the complex. And would you believe I got split shifts and can be here too? Plus my job is a 5-6 minute drive and I love it.

I am not really sure what moving on means. Let's just say that we keep going. The Lord is with us. Take care of yourself. God bless you with the new job.

Mar 25, 2011
You give me hope...
by: Angela

I think its so wonderful that you found a job. Its been 10 months for me and I just don't have any idea what I could or want to do. I have been a stay at home Mom full time for almost 20 years now. I do have faith that I will get that moment too, when the time is right. Like you, I talk to him in the car all of the time. I completely understand how tired you are of feeling alone. It really stinks! Hearing your story makes me feel hope.

Mar 25, 2011
You Inspire Me
by: Patti

Oh Yeah......People around me must think I'm crazy too. I talk to Joe in the car as if he's actually sitting next to me. One day at a red light a man looked at me like, "WHAT?" I grabbed my cell phone really fast to make it look like I was talking on it. I really shouldn't care what an absolute stranger thinks.
My daughter-in-law keeps wondering what stage I am in ~ stages indeed. I was in a total state of shock for 60 days. Now I just feel crappy everyday. What stage is that?
Good for you getting a job you will enjoy. I feel the same. Every time I try to enjoy something I get a huge slap in the face ~ reality that my husband isn't here to share it with me. All the Godwinks are really signs. I totally believe that our loved ones are communicating with us ~ watching over us ~ actually sharing this life with us. That doesn't help at night though when we ache just to feel their physical presence one more time.
I'll start my job search by late summer. I really hope I'm as successful as you. God's blessings to you. Billy would be so proud.

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