1 step forward 2 steps back

by Donna
(Texas)

It seems like I just now finally made it to one step forward, then the special days and holidays hit. Now it feels like I have taken two steps back. It's as bad as it was after right after Bryan's death. I can't seem to get that 1 step forward back. I pray that I will be able to move forward again, at least a little bit. That's all I had done before, but at least it was something. I thought I was doing better then bam the rollercoaster took a dive. Someone please stop this rollercoaster ride I want off. PLEASE!!!

Comments for 1 step forward 2 steps back

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Jan 11, 2011
I feel the same way..
by: Cindy

Donna,

I know exactly how you are feeling. Yesterday I cried all day long... it has been two months since my husband of almost 35 years passed away and I felt that rollercoaster going straight down. I am so lost without him. He was my life and soul mate. I married him when I was 18 years old and have never been by myself. I am sitting here crying just thinking about this. He was my whole support. He spoiled me and I wasn't working and he wanted to work as long as he could.

I don't even have a job and can't even support myself. It makes me so mad that the government won't give me his social security until I am 60 when he was old enough to draw it. Rusty was 10 years older than me. That even puts more stress on me besides the grief I have to endure without the love of my life. I pray for you, Donna and the rest of us that have to go through this. It is so hard... Hugs to you!

Jan 10, 2011
I'm With You
by: Pat J

It's only been 6 weeks for me. I came out of the I'm completely numb phase about 2 weeks ago and reality is now setting in. It's hard for me to do anything. I go to lunch with a friend and as soon as I get out I want to be back home. I sit by myself and cry because I'm so lonely for my husband. I don't know what I want. I have a good day (well just OK really) followed by two horrendous days where I feel like I just don't want to go on.

I went to visit my two little grandsons today and cried all the way home because my husband wasn't there.

The only thing that helps me is to communicate with others who are going through this. I pray daily for strength to get through each day. I know I have a rough year ahead and I'm trying really hard to concentrate and focus on those blessings that I still have.

Jan 10, 2011
I'm here for you
by: Jackie

Hi Donna, I totally understand what is happening. I am have similar problems. The holidays were especially rough. I think New Years was harder than Christmas, but I'm not sure why. I also don't know how to move forward. I feel my husband's presence and smell his aftershave. It almost has a calming affect. Each day I tell my self that maybe today will be better than yesterday was. I pray for all of us to make it through this terrible ordeal. I have found strength in my children and I hope and pray that they are also adjusting somewhat to life without their father. I know that I can't say anything to take your pain and sadness, but if we support each other, maybe we will make it. I will continue to pray for you and all of us everyday. Take care of yourself, Jackie.

Jan 10, 2011
1 step forward 2 steps back
by: jules

Donna - this rollercoaster will continue unfortunately - probably for a long time - you will never be the same again - I know I'm a different person - I am without direction, motivation, most days I feel so alone, I don't know if I will be able to cope - I have some good days, and some bad days - today is a bad day - my older brother rang me last night from hospital - he has had another heart incident - he is undergoing tests today, which hopefully will give him some idea of what the next step is.

He is probably the brother I am closest to, and I don't want to lose him. I feel like getting on a plane and flying back there (even though I've only been home a week) - I can't stop crying, I am supposed to go to work today, but I don't know if I can - I don't know what to do.

I feel like I have fallen backwards twelve months, I just want to hold on to him not let him go - I don't think I can stand losing someone else so close.

I am trying to hang on to the mantra - one step, one breath - but it is hard when each breath comes out as a sob.

take care
jules

Jan 10, 2011
One step forward two steps back...
by:

Donna,

I know how you feel, but please believe me that there will be better days ahead. Not all of them are good or even o.k. There will be days when you really feel like you are starting over.
Look back at how far you have come. Remember when we couldn't even get through the day without crying? Then as we though we has a little "self control" a memory would hit us and send us back to tears.

Grief is NOT a linear process. It would be great if our progress just continued and we could see ourselves getting stronger each day.

There are setbacks but you will see how far you have come when you get there. There being somewhere where you can see outside your grief and recognize that you might be o.k, eventually.

You really are doing better, I can see that from my standpoint.
HH

Jan 10, 2011
understand
by: Anonymous

I know- i feel crazy. i try not to talk to people on how i feel, because they think i should be over it. i have days when all i do is cry .
For I eat ashes as my food
and mingle my drink with tears
this is awful and there's no one to really comfort me.

Jan 10, 2011
Back
by: Colleen

Be kind to yourself, you deserve and are entitled to be kind and gentle to yourself. I am on the two month mark of this long road of grief and one thing I have learnt is that if you are too hard on yourself it makes your grief so unbearable. Let the grief take you where it wants to go and do what you need to do to get through the day. I pray that God gives you the strength to get through each day and stage of grief

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