1 Year and still alone
The Little Frog that Could
June 21, 2010 Billy left me. I looked at the calendar for this year and June 21st day is the day "Summer Begins". A new beginning brings summer and a new beginning for the "Life of Pat". Sounds like a new reality show. In a sense it is, because now it's my new reality. Maybe it should be called "Life without Billy" ~ basically it amount to the same thing. Just words.
I had a terrible day today. Visions of that Monday, June 21st, 2010 ~ the day after fathers day have been running the marathon in my mind. Little points stabbing me, bringing me to tears at work and just about to have a major meltdown. I keep thinking of "the frog on the window one night" it just kept slipping down and yet trying to climb back up. Sometimes I feel like that little frog. I keep sliding back, back to the moment time stopped. The moment my world crashed and was burning and out of control. There's been a war going on in me, my soul of self control is dieing at a alarming rate. I'm bracing for the worse because I know, come Tuesday, June 21 it will be liking dieing again.
I look back to day 1 and I do see progress. I realize and don't understand how I survived in the beginning. Maybe I did go crazy. All I wanted to do was climb into that box with him. Yes I will say it. I wanted to die. There was no life without him. But of course I didn't. There is a life, a different life, a life I really don't like but its a life. Maybe I've pushed myself to fast physically moving and changing jobs, my emotional self now is trying to catch up. All I know is as the 21st draws closer, I'm scared, I'm have a difficult time maintaining. I am really truly afraid I will not survive that day.
Its a thought I've tried to think about but I've never been so scared in my life for that day.
I've decided if the nights brings more tears, sorrow, unbearable pain and longing I'm will release myself from trying to be strong. Release is a word of control. I've tried so hard and sometimes feel I'm pulled so tight I'll break like a rubber band. Snap and I'm gone.
Good or bad June 21st is going to come. I just hope for the best.
Its one year ~ a sadness I will not try to control. What happens happens. That I will give to myself.
I'm trying to understand that I can do what I need and want. I've never been on my own so giving myself permission is new for me. My heart aches and cry's so much at times, control again is an illusion.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~