1 Year and still alone

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

The Little Frog that Could

The Little Frog that Could

June 21, 2010 Billy left me. I looked at the calendar for this year and June 21st day is the day "Summer Begins". A new beginning brings summer and a new beginning for the "Life of Pat". Sounds like a new reality show. In a sense it is, because now it's my new reality. Maybe it should be called "Life without Billy" ~ basically it amount to the same thing. Just words.
I had a terrible day today. Visions of that Monday, June 21st, 2010 ~ the day after fathers day have been running the marathon in my mind. Little points stabbing me, bringing me to tears at work and just about to have a major meltdown. I keep thinking of "the frog on the window one night" it just kept slipping down and yet trying to climb back up. Sometimes I feel like that little frog. I keep sliding back, back to the moment time stopped. The moment my world crashed and was burning and out of control. There's been a war going on in me, my soul of self control is dieing at a alarming rate. I'm bracing for the worse because I know, come Tuesday, June 21 it will be liking dieing again.
I look back to day 1 and I do see progress. I realize and don't understand how I survived in the beginning. Maybe I did go crazy. All I wanted to do was climb into that box with him. Yes I will say it. I wanted to die. There was no life without him. But of course I didn't. There is a life, a different life, a life I really don't like but its a life. Maybe I've pushed myself to fast physically moving and changing jobs, my emotional self now is trying to catch up. All I know is as the 21st draws closer, I'm scared, I'm have a difficult time maintaining. I am really truly afraid I will not survive that day.
Its a thought I've tried to think about but I've never been so scared in my life for that day.
I've decided if the nights brings more tears, sorrow, unbearable pain and longing I'm will release myself from trying to be strong. Release is a word of control. I've tried so hard and sometimes feel I'm pulled so tight I'll break like a rubber band. Snap and I'm gone.
Good or bad June 21st is going to come. I just hope for the best.
Its one year ~ a sadness I will not try to control. What happens happens. That I will give to myself.
I'm trying to understand that I can do what I need and want. I've never been on my own so giving myself permission is new for me. My heart aches and cry's so much at times, control again is an illusion.
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for 1 Year and still alone

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Jun 05, 2011
Still Alone....
by: TrishJ

Wouldn't it be great if we could just skip the dark and lonely nights? That really is when things are the worst. We're so tired from trying to make it through the day. With the darkness comes the devastating loneliness. I like you have just moved to a new apartment. It's 4:00 a.m. right now. I can't sleep. It's so quiet here. I have the TV on just for noise. Just so I don't feel so alone.
We can only do our best. Keep trying every day. Like the little frog we have to keep climbing. We will slide back and have to start from the beginning.
One breath, one step at a time.

Jun 05, 2011
Hugs to You, Pat
by: Donna

Oh, Pat, how I wish I had known you & your Billy when you lived here in Arkansas. I have looked at the different pictures you have posted of him and he looked like he was a very special man who loved and enjoyed life. I know he was a special man for you to have loved him so much which is why you are going through the intense pain you are going through now that he is no longer physically with you. I lost my Bobby almost 6 months ago. This month will be really hard because our anniversary would have been on June 6 - four years for us together. Then it will mark 6 months on the 9th when I lost my heart. You put into words so eloquently and so on-the- mark exactly what I am feeling too. I really do not know if I have the strength to get through this horrible journey of grief or if I even want to. I pray for you and all of us who have lost our hearts, our soulmates, our lives, our "us".

Jun 04, 2011
I just made it thrrough first year alone
by: Linda D. Anonymous

I like everyone else who has loved someone dearly for my adult life. Losing my husband that I married age 17yrs. and lived together for almost 41yrs. We had raised to daughters and the are living their own lives but still take time to help me keep going. For a very long time most of the first year I seen no reason at all to live my life without Bruce. The pain of losing him and the loneliness was almost unbearable. But then I'm starting to have a good day once and awhile. So hang on tight to the memories no one can take them away..They say when you start remembering the death and focus on the persons life you can began to live a life without them but not without the memories. Linda D

Jun 04, 2011
horrific anniversary
by: Anonymous

Hugs to you cousin. I guess all we can do is try to survive in spite of our grief. I'm not sure how but I know we must. Sending lots of hugs your way.

Jun 04, 2011
1 year and still alone
by: Anonymous

Hi. My husband passed away on July 31, 2010, and I too am absolutely terrified that I won't survive the 1st anniversary. I buried my mom a year and 3 months before, also due to cancer. At times, esp. late at night, I want to die, also. If it wasn't for my kids, I would have little reason to be here. I just don't understand what I could have done to make God so angry, that he would do this to me, but then I think that's irrational. This past year has been the worst and strangest year of my life. I am sorry for your loss, and want you to know you are not alone. Kathy

Jun 04, 2011
1 year and still alone
by: Donna

The one year mark is coming up for me July 23rd. I know exactly how you felt I too wanted to be in the box with Bryan, I couldn't see any reason for living. It was so hard in the beginning, I thank God that I had, have, and always will have my wonderful children and grandchildren. I can now see a reason for living, not just surviving until the day Bryan and I meet again. I have also felt like that little frog, trying so desperately to pull myself out of this grief pit, I still do at times. Those times are getting fewer and farther apart. Right now I am going thru the anger stage, I'm hoping that my anger is just a stage in grief, with the 1 year anniversary coming up. I wish you the best, you have been such an inspiration showing me that we can do anything that we put our minds to. God bless you Patricia So I go 1 step, 1 breath,1 day at a time Bryan I love you always until we meet again

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