1 Year On...Dearest Dad, We Miss You ...
I am finally having the courage to come and share our story, it's been too painful and deep before now.
After my dear dad passed away in August last year, I was shell-shocked and was not able to focus on work for a while and discovered this site while looking for help in the darkest time.
Many people on here have shared similar stories, feelings, thoughts and I cried for many of them. This was indeed a healing tool and I'm very grateful for that, and for everyone on here. It's a true blessing.
Having gone through all our first 1sts, we have now entered the 2nd year, just, so it's still tender and raw but we will survive with his memory and love with us always.
When you had a really good father, who was kind, thoughtful, caring, considerate, loving, with good principles and morals, a trusted husband and wonderful father who taught us sooooo much, it makes it all the harder. When your family unit is small, and you all got along and loved each other, it makes it that much harder. When you didn't say the words because you didn't need to, ALL our actions said it all the time, to each other, it makes it that much harder.
I had the ideal childhood not because we were rich in material things, but rich in the ways that count, the ways that matter. My parents gave us the security and stability that comes from a good marriage. Where the vows were taken seriously and honoured. So I felt safe, happy, and comfortable knowing my parents are there for us no matter what.
They worked hard, both of them, for many many years until retirement. They never took holidays, didn't eat out, didn't know the word entertainment because they came from troubled times so they had to work hard to make a future for themselves and their children. They knew we would want to study further, so they made sure they got savings in place long before then. They worked shifts and long hours to buy all the beautiful things we now have.
So everything we have now, a beautiful paid up home, the cars, the pets, the university degrees, the wonderful careers, it's thanks to them and their support, their wisdom and their sacrifices.
One thing you can't buy... health, and that is where our fairytale ended. Some years ago my dad got sick with a degenerative disease however with medication life continued. He struggled, he fought, he was a hero and a champion. Only now when I have 1 small thing he might have endured, like a missing tooth, do I realise how strong he really was, what a fighter, how brave, to have endured so much, but he did, valiantly, daily. Yet he never changed - he was still Dad, who you could count on, trust, learn from, laugh with. He had a wonderful sense of humour and could diffuse any situation. From my parents we learnt the value in simple things, and in life's beauty - nature, animals, etc.
For some reason, I can't seem to go into the details of everything that happened to him - why? Maybe someone who has experience with this can share, but I feel it's too ... deep? Hurts too much? Too holy to get into? A part of me wants to share every last detail of what happened, another part wants to respect him and keep it private - which feels crazy as sharing helps us heal. Maybe that's just it - I have been sharing, with my boyfriend and friends, so I don't feel denied the privilege to share it with those that care, knew him, or know me.
Suffice it to say, even though he was sick, it was very unexpected and the way I was told made it 1 000 000 much much worse! Through a voicemail by a staff member at the clinic he was in. He was not in a life and death situation, so never in a million years did I expect that call. It's like I've had to get over that more than anything.
Then I realise also, how many people who have lost a parent and you never know how it feels until it happens to you! The hole, the earth under you being taken away, your identify and security shattered! Gone forever! No chance to say good-bye - that was the worst!!!!!!!
Now EVERY memory is treasured, every aspect of who he was, what he meant to us, is appreciated, loved, missed...
His legacy will go on, through us, his children. He has run his race, we have to take up the baton and go on with our race, with his love, teachings and guidance encouraging us along the way.
We also have to make sure my Mom is alright - if it's deep and earth shattering for us, even more so for her, her life partner gone forever. They were together so many many years and now this is what I am learning: you find love, you appreciate it and live a great fairytale but sadly as with the vows: together until death do us part (on earth) and I am now sorry to see that. I also fear losing my boyfriend as I know he is THE ONE, and I fear losing him to death one day. I fear getting to where my mom is: having the one great love since she was a young girl to now, and coping and surviving alone. She has us, the children, but it's just not the same for the partner. I know this because I know what my boyfriend means to me!
So many life lessons to learn, lots of personal growth to take place, but for all of those who have lost a dear dear Dad too - my thoughts and prayers are with you all: for strength and peace to face each tomorrow until we meet in Heaven again.
God Bless you all, and thank you for the patience in allowing me to indulge in my ramblings on here. It has been therapeutic.