10 Months Today

by zoe
(Maryland)

An anniversary, the only kind I get to have. Today is 10 months since John was taken from me. I should be better right, moving forward looking to the future, no, I am looking backwards with my arms outstretched trying to grab him, to grab my love.

I do not take stress like I used to. Oh I manage and run things and am efficient and in charge, then I come in my office and close the door, or go sit in my car and cry. I cannot stop. I miss him so much. There are so many holes without him, so many things missing, I still look up at the clock at one that was the time we called every day, oh we called a million other times, but always at one, we shared our lunch together, no matter where he was, we were together.

One commenter said it was choice, maybe it is choice. But, if so, I choose to hold my love as close to me as I can, to love him as much as I can and to wait until we are together again.

I pay my bills and pay my taxes, I do my job, by all accounts I am a productive member of society, just a very sad one.

10 months ago today he died, and in many ways so did I.
Thank you all for listening

As always,
One step, one breath, one day at a time

Comments for 10 Months Today

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Jan 22, 2011
Can we be wonderful again?
by: Anonymous

Zoe,

I know how hard it is as time passes and heads towards the year mark. It seems impossible that we survived this far and we wonder...Have I made any progress? I still feel like crap, I still miss him, still find it hard to function.

I know that feeling I really do, When you mentioned that it was a choice we make. I thought oh jeese, Did I tell her that it is a choice to try to crawl away from grief that there is no other way to go but up? I do know that I tell myself that I can sink no lower. I have gone as far down as I can go. Really I can sit at this spot this point in my life and go no further. But it is my hope that one day I can make the upwards climb out of grief. And I know that I will never stop missing or Loving the man that made me and my life wonderful.

Perhaps there is some wonderful in us all. After all our honeys did fall in Love with us once upon a time long ago. Maybe we can be wonderful again.

So hard to see it though really is. Here's to the peace within that we all deserve and hope that we make it through this rough journey.
HH

Jan 22, 2011
10 months
by: M Mack

Zoe,

It kills me when we now acknowledge an "anniversary" as the day they died. Whoever thought that's what it would really be for us. The anniversary of pain and sorrow is the significance of my anniversary. Tomorrow is My anniversary day, 6 months and I'm already replaying the scene over and over in my mind. I can't seem to find the closure and acceptance of why and how.....

We must continue on this journey and I pray we figure it out soon. Hang on, the ride is up and down but we are hear to listen and help another. Hope you find some peace and comfort. My best to you and prayers.

Jan 22, 2011
Is it a choice?
by: TrishJ

Oh Zoe,
Is it a choice? Did we chose to lose the love of or lives? Do we chose to continue to love and miss them? Just when I think I'm making progress this morning I woke up sobbing into my pillow. I actually woke up crying. That's never happened before.

Today I go with my son to empty the remainder of the home we shared together for 27 years. Yesterday I went by myself and there was pair of my husband's shoes sitting by the back door ~ just where he left them. I had a huge panic attack and had to go next door to my neighbor's house to calm down. It's only been two months for me.

The realtor is anxious to get going. I can't afford to pay the mortgage on my own. We took out two second mortgages in a two year period to cover my husband's illness.

I feel like an 18 year old girl trying to face the reality of life after graduating from high school ~ I felt afraid and not ready to face life. I did it once, I hope I can do it again. I'm very uncertain about my future. All I can do is pray and hope that God leads me in the right direction. I hope I am as strong as you are in 8 months from now. Blessings to you Zoe. You miss John ~ I miss Joe.

Jan 21, 2011
10 months
by: Linda(Quebec)

Your story like so many others here touched me.

Sadly I sit here alone and feel the same pain and loss.

thanks for sharing.

Jan 21, 2011
10 months today
by: Karlene

Hi, I am new here,I am so sorry for your loss.
I lost my husband 10yrs ago. we were very much in love for 26yrs. of marriage. I want you to know I still miss him, but it does get easier as time goes on. As long as you allow yourself to grieve.
Keep your love and memories of him alive.
Know that someone out there is praying for you.

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