10 Months Today

by zoe
(Maryland)

An anniversary, the only kind I get to have. Today is 10 months since John was taken from me. I should be better right, moving forward looking to the future, no, I am looking backwards with my arms outstretched trying to grab him, to grab my love.

I do not take stress like I used to. Oh I manage and run things and am efficient and in charge, then I come in my office and close the door, or go sit in my car and cry. I cannot stop. I miss him so much. There are so many holes without him, so many things missing, I still look up at the clock at one that was the time we called every day, oh we called a million other times, but always at one, we shared our lunch together, no matter where he was, we were together.

One commenter said it was choice, maybe it is choice. But, if so, I choose to hold my love as close to me as I can, to love him as much as I can and to wait until we are together again.

I pay my bills and pay my taxes, I do my job, by all accounts I am a productive member of society, just a very sad one.

10 months ago today he died, and in many ways so did I.
Thank you all for listening

As always,
One step, one breath, one day at a time