11 Month Mark
by Judith in California
It's been 11 months today since my most loved Chuck died. Normally I would have said "passed away" but the fact is he died, the reason for my devastating heartbreak. He is not dead to me for he will always be in my heart. He was the reason I lived every day to love and care for him to make him feel special and loved so much. I still love him. I've been crying for two days feeling so much hurt and feel that the more time passes it is taking me further away from him and I don't want to do that. I want to hang on to the WE, US and OUR of life together. I search for him in all the old familiar places. I go to get a feeling of US. I was told a store, where he used to go and buy me clothes, was closing and I cried because it's another part of our history going away. There are so many places gone that we used to go to. Little by little Our past is going away. My heart aches as I sit in his spot at the kitchen table so I eat at the computer desk..I miss hearing the sound of his shoes when he walked and how he would always walk into the bedroom checking to see if I were closer to being ready to go somewhere and telling me I look pretty. I miss him saying "Hello Sweetheart" when I walk through the door. Of course I'm remembering him when he could walk and talk before Parkinson's took it all away. I get so angry when I get e-mails asking to pray for a cure for cancer. I pray for a cure for any disease that takes away memory, use of limbs, speech and hearing and life way too soon. It very insensitive to send an e-mail asking us to pray for a cure for just one disease. It's very selfish. I went through a surgery this month and never felt so alone and scared. I cried all the way into the OR missing him, wanting so much to wake up and see him as I used to the few times I had surgery or procedures before. The thing that really makes me cry the most is that I feel he now has forgotten me and won't remember who I am when I get there. I wish he could cross over and tell me if he's happy with the way I have been since he died and if he would want me to seek another relationship. I would love to feel his presence and know he is watching over me.
I'm not ready to move on and away from us. And today starts that dreaded 12th month. I am grieving more now than I have in a while.