11 Month Mark

by Judith in California

It's been 11 months today since my most loved Chuck died. Normally I would have said "passed away" but the fact is he died, the reason for my devastating heartbreak. He is not dead to me for he will always be in my heart. He was the reason I lived every day to love and care for him to make him feel special and loved so much. I still love him. I've been crying for two days feeling so much hurt and feel that the more time passes it is taking me further away from him and I don't want to do that. I want to hang on to the WE, US and OUR of life together. I search for him in all the old familiar places. I go to get a feeling of US. I was told a store, where he used to go and buy me clothes, was closing and I cried because it's another part of our history going away. There are so many places gone that we used to go to. Little by little Our past is going away. My heart aches as I sit in his spot at the kitchen table so I eat at the computer desk..I miss hearing the sound of his shoes when he walked and how he would always walk into the bedroom checking to see if I were closer to being ready to go somewhere and telling me I look pretty. I miss him saying "Hello Sweetheart" when I walk through the door. Of course I'm remembering him when he could walk and talk before Parkinson's took it all away. I get so angry when I get e-mails asking to pray for a cure for cancer. I pray for a cure for any disease that takes away memory, use of limbs, speech and hearing and life way too soon. It very insensitive to send an e-mail asking us to pray for a cure for just one disease. It's very selfish. I went through a surgery this month and never felt so alone and scared. I cried all the way into the OR missing him, wanting so much to wake up and see him as I used to the few times I had surgery or procedures before. The thing that really makes me cry the most is that I feel he now has forgotten me and won't remember who I am when I get there. I wish he could cross over and tell me if he's happy with the way I have been since he died and if he would want me to seek another relationship. I would love to feel his presence and know he is watching over me.
I'm not ready to move on and away from us. And today starts that dreaded 12th month. I am grieving more now than I have in a while.

Comments for 11 Month Mark

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Aug 17, 2011
Your Replies
by: Judith

Thank you Hope and TrishJ . I so appreciate your replies . WE certainly have a journey and a half before us and we'll get through it together here.

Aug 15, 2011
You've come along way....


Please understand as the Year Mark approaches it brings us mentally Back to the Beginning of grief. We remember their sickness, their death and try to bravely face it as though it is a huge wave that we must withstand.

I thought that if I made it to the year hard I would have simply made it through grief somehow. Really it is the beginning of acceptance and for me....It was every bit as hard as grief it self.
I had become used to being in that mode where I could NOT go on could not function and as hard as it was to understand it was so hard to let go of that.

Beginning the life that we Must make for ourselves After the life that we once lived and loved is...Well it's a real Bitch. There are much better more defined words to summarize it but that is the truth.

Heading towards 2 years come Dec.6th 2011 I feel pretty proud of not only surviving but working at this new life that does NOT come easy. It takes a courage that I never knew that I had to go places I have never been. It takes courage to do things that I have never done and most of all it takes courage to do it Without the very person that I had planned on growing old with. Just saying that "growing old with" would have made me burst into tears. But now I am much stronger it helps to know that he has Not left my side but is simply in another realm. Just a different vibration away and if you pay attention the signs of his Love for you are all around.

My best to you and all of us trying this new life on for size. When we can love ourselves we can do anything, be anything and peace will come to us.

Aug 15, 2011
Oh Judith..........
by: TrishJ

My heart aches for you. My heart aches for me. I am just passing the 8 month mark. I miss Joe more every day. Six months ago I didn't think that was possible. I thought I would get to a place where it would get easier. Not so far. We never get over this pain. We never get over the longing for us.
I feel the same way you do. I feel that every day brings me further away from Joe. I don't like that feeling. Parkinson's disease is so ugly. I just lost my beloved favorite cousin Michael to that nasty disease 6 weeks ago. He just turned 58 on June 14th. Two weeks later he was gone.
I've had a lot of family drama ~ 4 deaths since Joe's ~ one of the wakes was actually in the same funeral home and room. That was hard to deal with. Everything seems magnified X 10 without him here. Surgery? Alone? You are a very brave woman. Brave doesn't make us happy though does it Judith? Every day just brings us more awareness of how much we miss our husbands.
All we can do is take a deep breath and try to keep going. I'm still waiting for the "it gets easier" part.
Hugs to you.

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