11 months & Now his Birthday

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Arkansas 2009

Arkansas 2009

May 21th will be 11 months, May 25th would have been Billy's birthday ~ 54 ~
Its a melancholy night as I remember my life. You see I wrote "My" life, because it's no longer "Our" life.
10 months and counting and I've gone from our's to mine....
It feels like I'm reliving each day, each moment of our lives these days. One moment I doing OK and then next its devastation and despair with tears.
I get up each morning, dress and get ready for work. What I'm getting ready for is another day with just memories of a life now gone, never to be in this time, waiting for something I can no longer have and miss so much I feel like I could break into a million pieces if someone touches me.
Fragile is a heart but hard as steal ~ the fire burns so hot that can burn but for that love thats gone, contained in our soul for eternity but broken, a side on one can see.
There are days I feel I can't go on, days it feels like my soul hurts so much I can't breathe and I will die. I miss him so much ~ the touch, the kiss and the warm of his body next to mine at night, my soul mate with me. These moment of deep sorrow and pain overcomes me. I surrender for I cannot fight ~ but then the new day comes and I'm still here. I will rise, dress and go to work. This month has been pulling at my heart.
All I know is the house that we built has come down around me. Things we planned, how we were going to live, where, and even how to decorate the house. That house is gone. Empty, lonely, cold and forever lifeless. Its now a home no more.
I find that coming to this 1 year mark has destroyed what confidence or working life I thought I had to nothing. An Illusion I give to myself and to others around me. I live within this shell of my home, of my life, of my heart. Trying to keep the world out ~ I go to bed and remember and listen in my mind those saying, words and phone message of his voice to bring him to me. I can hear him, I see the pictures but I can't hold him, I can't talk to him. My heart is breaking all over again. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't care about anybody else I just cry and type and hope in the mornings light I'll be gone. But I'm not and so I will continue, continue to cry, to write and go to work each morning.

The sun is high above my weary head,
Upon the feathers of my soft bed.
I was awake the whole night through,
Waiting, watching, and hoping for you.
My arms are empty, my heart broken,
I'll be here for a lifetime wishing you here,

So it is, so it will be again, again and again...
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for 11 months & Now his Birthday

Click here to add your own comments

May 21, 2011
Happy Birthday Billy!
by: TrishJ

Patricia,
I have most of the firsts still to deal with. I made it through Christmas, just barely.
I don't know what I was thinking when I started having a series of 2 ~ 3 good days. I guess I thought the worst was over.
Today I had major family drama in my life and it is double intensified because Joe isn't here to share things with me.
My son told me the other day ~ "I miss dad so much I can't stand it some days. Even when he was so ill I could still call him everyday and ask him his opinion. He always had the most positive outlook on things."
That's what I feel the worst about. Why am I so negative? I'm really having a bad day today.
I've seen many of your posts recently where you seem to be making such a great attempt to move on. I saw the Nascar post ~ new friends ~ and I thought GOOD FOR HER!! Yes.....we try ~ then reality slaps us in the face again just as the sun is setting. Going to bed all alone....I hadn't done that in over 37 years. When he was in the hospital I knew he was always just a phone call away. Him lifting my spirits as he was dying with each hour ticking away.
I was married to a wonderful man ~ as you were. We miss them. We have to keep trying.
Try, try and try some more. That's all we can do. On those days we are able to breath while doing so we have to hold on to those beautiful memories.
Chin up. Prayers for both of us for peace.

May 21, 2011
A day in the life of a widow
by: Hope

Patricia,

The ebb and flow of grief is difficult. Some days we are o.k. Some Days we even smile real genuine smiles and take in a little happiness that we are allowed, or allowing ourselves to feel.

For the most part I have adapted to this life without My Love. But one is a lonely number and keeping busy does not fill what we had. I havent been held in so long that I get jumpy when anyone touches me in a semblance of what I had so very long ago.

Last night I went to a 38 special concert and again...many couples holding hands, arms wrapped around each other swaying to the music, just being considerate on their "date".It hurt to see it. That was me, it was us that look of love so long ago. I did not cry but tried to look away abut it was all around me. Loving couples all around me testing my strength.

We can do this! Some how it is in a great plan whether we like it or not. This is our life and we will not only survive grief but be stronger because of it.

And should we ever get that feeling again, one of love and caring we will appreciate it so much more knowing that it can be taken in the blink of an eye. And that is the way that we need to life our life, with appreciation because life is to be lived and never ever taken for granted. My best to you always...
HH

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • XML RSS
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget
->


 POPULAR
  RESOURCES


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the

GRIEF CLUB


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief
Program

Free Griefwork
E-Course

Free Stress
Management
E-Course



SBI Video Tour!