11 months & Now his Birthday
May 21th will be 11 months, May 25th would have been Billy's birthday ~ 54 ~
Its a melancholy night as I remember my life. You see I wrote "My" life, because it's no longer "Our" life.
10 months and counting and I've gone from our's to mine....
It feels like I'm reliving each day, each moment of our lives these days. One moment I doing OK and then next its devastation and despair with tears.
I get up each morning, dress and get ready for work. What I'm getting ready for is another day with just memories of a life now gone, never to be in this time, waiting for something I can no longer have and miss so much I feel like I could break into a million pieces if someone touches me.
Fragile is a heart but hard as steal ~ the fire burns so hot that can burn but for that love thats gone, contained in our soul for eternity but broken, a side on one can see.
There are days I feel I can't go on, days it feels like my soul hurts so much I can't breathe and I will die. I miss him so much ~ the touch, the kiss and the warm of his body next to mine at night, my soul mate with me. These moment of deep sorrow and pain overcomes me. I surrender for I cannot fight ~ but then the new day comes and I'm still here. I will rise, dress and go to work. This month has been pulling at my heart.
All I know is the house that we built has come down around me. Things we planned, how we were going to live, where, and even how to decorate the house. That house is gone. Empty, lonely, cold and forever lifeless. Its now a home no more.
I find that coming to this 1 year mark has destroyed what confidence or working life I thought I had to nothing. An Illusion I give to myself and to others around me. I live within this shell of my home, of my life, of my heart. Trying to keep the world out ~ I go to bed and remember and listen in my mind those saying, words and phone message of his voice to bring him to me. I can hear him, I see the pictures but I can't hold him, I can't talk to him. My heart is breaking all over again. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't care about anybody else I just cry and type and hope in the mornings light I'll be gone. But I'm not and so I will continue, continue to cry, to write and go to work each morning.
The sun is high above my weary head,
Upon the feathers of my soft bed.
I was awake the whole night through,
Waiting, watching, and hoping for you.
My arms are empty, my heart broken,
I'll be here for a lifetime wishing you here,
So it is, so it will be again, again and again...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~