12 years of marriage gone to prostitute addiction

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12 years of marriage gone to prostitute addiction

by haley
(new jersey)

My name is Haley. My husband of almost twelve years has been seeing prostitutes our whole marriage and even before we met. We are the same age of 33. We married each other when we were 21 years old.

He has been seeing prostitutes since he was 18 when his uncle took him to a brothel. I can't believe I wasted all my twenties with a man who was so addicted to sex and never would touch me. I wasted all my youth with him. He spent over twenty thousand dollars a year on prostitutes our whole marriage, with this year being the worst. He spent fifteen thousand dollars in five months. He never let me work.

I am screwed. He took out a dozen credit cards in my name and charged them up to the maximum. I owe about seventy thousand dollars in my name alone because of his addiction. He is an accountant and never let me see the bills. I am so stupid. Luckily we have no children together.

I spoke to one of the prostitutes. She was nice and helped me a lot to see the truth. He would take off his wedding ring with all his escorts and say he was single. He western unioned this woman money with a credit card in my name. Spent about one thousand dollars on her with only three visits. But she is only one of dozens and dozens this year alone.

Wow this sucks. There is NO NO NO WORDS in our language to describe the pain of my life and marriage of illusion. He says he wants to me to stay and he will change LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Luckily I have no STD'S. I know God protected me and I am so thankful. Time to get out while I am still alive although I am dying a financial death.

Whoever says go-go bars are harmless and internet porn is harmless are fools. Our country is destroying itself from within. Destroying families one by one for the cost of sexual freedom. LOL for such a free sexual society we sure are whacked out and as unhappy as ever. I am mourning the death of my marriage and the death of an innocence I had.

Went through the scrapbooks I made. I am super sensitive and sentimental. I kept napkins from unique restaurants and sand from all the beaches we visited. It sucks. It is the worst pain of my life. It is just like losing a loved one. It does help to know that I am not the only one mourning in this life. I wish we could all get together and have one big hug and know that we will all be OK someday and the pain will go away.

I keep telling myself that I will be OK but I cry everywhere and anywhere at any moment. Getting my nails done I cry. Ordering a coffee I cry. It is a pain that there is no words for.

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12 years of marriage gone to prostitute addiction

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Was this what happened to me?
by: Anonymous

I'd like to just say first my condolences to all the women on here. It's terrifying to think that this went on for so long with so many of you, as I have only been with someone for a year and I feel like my grip on reality has been completely compromised!

The thing is, I only suspect my (now ex) boyfriend has a prostitute addiction, and I was wondering if, for my own piece of mind, someone could give me their thoughts as an experienced victim?

Basically I ended it with him because a few too many things weren't adding up and I didn't feel I could trust him anymore. Since then though, I have spoken to a friend of his at some length and have been told that the lying goes further than I ever could have imagined:

1. he told me he had been with 48 women

2. he told me he'd never been in a relationship for more than 6 weeks (we are quite young, he's 25 and I'm 22)

3. he told me that when his dad left his mum, they had no money and as a result, he had to pay towards the house and bills from the age of ten. In order to do this he said he got involved with gangsters, going into great detail about the various situations he got himself in. He said that when he got to 21 he decided he wanted better for himself and left his old life behind to go to uni (hence why I never met any of these people). He used this as a reason for having been with so many women, blaming the class and type of women who chose to hang around with those kinds of people.

4. he told me that he had a sister who was a year older and was very close to him. He told me she got in an argument when she was 18 and that while defending his reputation, got her throat slit and died. While we were together he told me the guy who killed her was released from prison, and that he was getting hounded by old friends of hers demanding to know why he wasn't 'doing anything about it'. While we were together he would regularly 'go and visit her grave'

5. One of the times he was going to 'visit the grave', he was arrested for having a prostitute in his car. He claimed that he stopped at traffic lights, the prostitute mistakenly got in the car and before he knew it, the police were outside demanding he come with them. I wanted to go to the trial but he wouldn't let me, saying it was too humiliating to be accused of such a disgusting crime.

6. He has a female friend who I have never met, but who talks to him almost every day. He claimed that she was a bit unhinged and that he felt sorry for her. He also told me that while I was on holiday she claimed to be pregnant with his baby, saying they had sex when he was drunk. Apparently she later said that it wasn't his but that she was scared to go through an abortion alone, prompting her to tell the lie.

Throughout our relationship I was kept separate from his family because of their apparent 'difficulties' with the fact that he is muslim and I'm christian. He used his religion and culture to explain a lot off oddities.

My story of healing
by: Anonymous

I want to offer a counter-example. Four years ago, I found out that my husband had cheated on me with several prostitutes the first four years of our marriage, including both of my pregnancies (we have been married 8 years). I went through all of the feelings everyone here is expressing. I stayed because I was convinced that, as long as he continued to seek help and own up to what he did, etc, I would keep working on the marriage as well. In the past 4 years, he has worked with psychologists, psychiatrists, and sex addiction specialists. He has accepted 4 years of confused emotions on my part: anger and withdrawal then kindness and love then grief then happiness, etc. It isn't easy. But I have indeed seen him grow up and out of this addiction for a steady 3.5 years. I have seen him mature, become a more involved, careful, and respectful husband, father, and human being, etc. On my end, I have had to pull from the depths of my heart forgiveness and willingness. We recently separated for a few months because I felt I needed to make sure that if I really committed to staying, even after all these years now of stability and what one would otherwise consider a good marriage, that I had to make that choice knowing what it was like to be on my own and to co-parent our young sons. In truth, I was fine on my own. And so were my boys. I saw that there was no reason to stay out of fear of anyone falling apart. Ultimately, I chose the marriage for this reason: the man he is today is the caring, careful, attentive, and loving husband I would want to find elsewhere and he happens to be the actual father of my children and I can't deny that we can indeed have a peaceful home together. So I chose to focus on the present, which has been stable now for 3 or so years. But I have also come to realize that the confusion, pain, and even the feeling that this person is someone who, at least at some point and for a while, just a gross disaster, doesn't go away. And that is hard to accept and it is constant work to say "but that's not where he is/we are today, nor where we have been for years now." I will say that this experience has made him a better man, I think, than most out there because in his willingness to do anything, learn anything, change anything to help himself and keep his family, he has fixed far more than his sex addiction. I hope I'm not sounding to pollyanna because I don't mean to imply that all's well that ends well. There is a brokenness and pain that is permanent. But, this IS something that a marriage can survive, and even grow because of, and not out of fear or pressure to be the good wife or lack of options, but because of a very serious and genuine willingness to work extremely hard for a very long time by both people in the marriage.

feels like this is a dream and can't wait to wake up
by: Anonymous

I found out about my husband's prostitution addiction two days ago. We have been married for 8 years. All these years he has been a very nice man, very generous and kind. But also very distant. He always bought me nice gifts on our anniversaries, gave me compliments and always treated me like a princess. He always said i was beautiful, yet never touch me or show any desire. He worked a lot so I figured he was tired all the time. I always praised him for working so hard. Two days ago, I found a credit card under his car seat mat. When I checked the activity on card, I saw hotel stays and cash withdraws. I confronted him and eventually he admitted to taking vacations without me because he wanted to get away from work and relax. Its only after I checked out phone bill and found out by calling one of these numbers that he was seeing a prostitute on regular basis.
I am still in shock and denial. i have been crying non stop for two days. I feel so stupid and ugly and non worthy. I saw the pictures of the prostitute he's been seeing. she's beautiful with tiny waist and big breasts. How can i compete with that? he said our life in bedroom was boring. I know that I am not an exciting woman. I don't know how to change.
now that i look back, i realize why he was always withdrawn from me. We never talked, he never laughed at my jokes, never noticed me when i dressed up nice. He was only showering me with gifts because maybe he felt guilty for what he was doing and this was his way to feel better.
i walked out when i found out about all this. He's been calling me telling me that he will change. He saw a psychologist yesterday. I don't know if this addiction is curable, if he really wants to change. I don't know what to believe anymore. I am a very God fearing religious person. Now I am losing my faith. Why does God want to see me unhappy? What did I every do to deserve this. Where should I go from here? He says he still loves me. How could that be? If he loved me he would have considered my feelings before jumping into another women's arms. Could he still love me? Is he just sick and needs help? Is this curable? would we ever be a happy family again?

Narcissist victim
by: Indu

Hi,

I believe I was married to a narcissist.

Two months back I found out about his prostitute addiction. It has been present for the whole duration of my marriage of 16 years, and my three pregnancies during that time. More recently I found out that it was present even before I married him.

He successfully hid it all from me.

I'm devastated and going through the grieving process.

this sounds so much like me
by: christina

Hi. I am suffering almost exactly the same thing. A marriage of almost 12 years destroyed by my husbands prostitute addiction. We have two sons who are 8 and 9, so sadly, i have to deal with this monster forever. I also had no financial control and was in the dark. God protected me too, and for that I dm so thankful.

narcissist
by: Anonymous

I too am grieving my 14 years of marriage with a narcissist, addicted to porn and male and female prostitutes still after 4 years. I did have 2 children with him that have been damaged by his sociopath behaviors. He enjoys seeing people suffer. He even joined S/M groups. I am so tired of people telling me to accept the responsibility I had in the demise of my marriage. We are not dealing with an ordinary divorce where 2 people decide they are not compatible. I have lost girlfriends over this who lose patience with me and expect me to get on with my life. Few people understand the betrayal of this. Be good to yourself. It is okay to mourn and be angry for as long as it takes. There is no expiration date on grief.

sex addiction
by: Anonymous

I was married to a sex addict for almost 30 years. RUN CHILD AND NEVER LOOK BACK. I finally left him and was blessed with a man that loves and RESPECTS me. We have been happy together for over 10 years now. It will get better, just do not blame yourself for anything. Maybe someday the world will learn how bad porn and sex perversions can hurt a relationship.

narcissist
by: Anonymous

You are right to cry.
Let it keep coming out.
You did waste your 20's, but you are still young enough to find someone who deserves a woman as special as you.
Go to counseling and learn the red flags for the narcissists of the world.
I am 58 and my ex walked out after 30 years for a 23 year old - we also had a daughter the same age.
No, they did not know each other.
I found out he had been a sex addict before we met and hid it all those years, wow, what I found in the closets he had hidden all those years and we had dragged all over the country with our moves - unbelievable.
My daughters have had lots of counseling so they do not repeat my story and my oldest daughter (who is now 31) had dated nothing but narcissists
she was attracted to them because of her father.
After 8 years I think she finally has it figured out - maybe.
But you married one and will catch on quick, once you really get in to it you will realize there were things that didn't make sense at the time, but maybe do now.
I would give anything to have found out when I was your age - not only do I feel like I wasted my entire life on him - I have wasted my entire life on him.
Which is why I am on this site - still trying to recover.
Hold this in your heart - you will meet a good guy, who is committed, has values, who is a real man and doesn't sneak around, who has the courage to do the right thing and that is the man you will choose to be the father of your child or children.
You have been saved from having this man be the father of your precious children, so please revel in that.
You can do this, you can heal and know you dodged a bullet with this guy - even though you are in the emotional ICU now - be patient and good to yourself.

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12 years of marriage gone to prostitute addiction

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12 years of marriage gone to prostitute addiction