13 and Going into a Trance

by Nancy
(Orange County, CA)

I lost my dad when I was 13 years old. I am a female and I had two older siblings but it affected me the most. I guess I was his favorite. We had a special relationship - he was the world to me and he treated me as an equal but also like a loving father.

When you're 13 years old - you're too old for this and too young for that so it's a very impressionable and vulnerable age.

I heard my dad yelling out to my mom in Greek that he was dying and I tried to go to him from my bedroom that I shared with my sister but she barricaded the door preventing me from leaving. I think she did this to protect me but I hope she didn't do it to be mean as I received a lot of attention from him.

Next thing I know - I'm in a classroom with a narrow tall glass window inset and my brother is smirking with his thumb down unlike Caesar in the Coliseum. He appeared that he was glad he was gone.

I was absolutely devestated. I went into a two day non-vocal trance. My Godsister remembers how I didn't talk for two days. My life, my choices in life, school and my choices in men are not what I had hoped for myself. I got pregnant when I was 17 as I was lost and I thought the attention the boy was giving me was as close to a male loving me and I thought that is what I needed.

I will be 62 in August of 2012 and I still well up with tears when I see or hear something that reminds me of my father. For instance, I went to a CPR certification class and the video they showed was of a man built like my father and he fell to the floor while eating at a restaurant. I never expected it to affect me but it did. I was silently tearing.

The best way to describe how I feel or the most common words of emotion to this day which still exist: cheated, longing, and tremendous sadness.

Sometimes I wonder why my brother and sister were not as affected in life as I was and they made better life choices. I am successful enough to support myself but I always wonder how my life would have been if my father had lived or had I not been his little girl for 13 short years.

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