13 Years Later...

by Novi
(Canada)

I was seventeen when I stopped praying. I became very angry when my father chose to take his own life, and faith seemed so fruitless. The pain of finding him lifeless in the middle of the night still haunts my thoughts ... It was the longest night I have ever experienced in my life. Even after so many years, sometimes everything still appears as dark as they were that tragic night on January 24th. I don't think it ever really came to an end.

As the years passed my anger subsided and only the pain of loss still remains. I hope my dad knows I forgive him and love him so much. That has not and will not ever change. There isn't a single day that goes by where I don't think of him.

I am now thirty and terrified. Four days ago I felt the worst emotional pain I have ever felt before. My mother was diagnosed with renal cell carcinoma. It appears to have metastasized to her lungs and the prognosis is not very good. I'm not ready to lose another parent yet! Only in the past few years have I finally come to terms with my father's passing. I'm finding it extremely difficult to stay positive right now...at a time where it is most critical.

I wish I could pray for her but I'm not sure that I remember how.

Comments for 13 Years Later...

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Jun 21, 2012
my dad hung him self 6-4-94
by: Anonymous

i orginaly wrote a more sloppy selfish story but what ever they think a computer can automaticaly type a freakin novel about feelings .... in a sentance ... the hardest part of dealing with dads death is forgiveing yourself for all the anger and feelings that you finally forgive dad for.

May 04, 2012
im sorry
by: Anonymous

Hi.im sorry for the loss of your dad & the diagnosis on your mom.that must be very hard on you. My dad also committed suicide in February.we were very close.i dont understand how he did this & I am angry yet heartbroken.i miss him so much. It has been 13 yrs for you & its still hard?,I guess because it's not a normal death. Did your dad show any type of warning signs? Did you think he could have possibly done this? Mine made comments that maybe I just didnt want to think anything of.& when he was depressed I said are you thinking of doing anything stupid & he said no.i just think I should have seen his pain & am so angry I wasn't able to stop it. How can you be so angry yet love & miss someone so much?! I can't even listen to certain songs or look at pictures without breaking down.& sometimes ill break down at the most akward times & not be able to control it! Were you this way?

Feb 27, 2012
It's time to pray...
by: Whitney

Hello there. I know what you are going through, personally. My mom, laden with pain over my father's infidelities, took too much medicine on purpose. I was the only one with her the day hospital staff took out her tube so she could talk. She told me everything and it was so hard to hear. She was in real emotional pain. After she told me that she still wanted to die and felt her body dying, I prayed with her. She forgave Dad and everyone else who ever hurt her and asked God to forgive her, too. I promise you that God has never left you and He isn't even mad that you have ignored Him all these years. He stands waiting. To pray, all you need to do is talk. Talk as if God is right there with you. You can and should be honest; tell God how you feel or even that you blamed Him for your father's death. God is love. He wants to give you His love and presence for the rest of your life and then He wants you to live forever with Him. God is our father, He made us and He gently tries to call us back when we run away. Ask Him to help you give Him your hurt and anger and to help you accept His great love. God bless you, friend.

Oct 24, 2011
i lost my father too
by: missi

i lost my father too,he and my mother where alcoholics, they lived a very rough life and i always took care of them regardless.he was only 56 an he was found by my mom in the bathroom of his new apartment trying to smoke what was to b his last cigarette my mom is very sick as well she is only 51 with a defibrillator in her chest. i am 30 years old and all i have ever done is take care of my mother and father, i dont think my mom is going to last much longer and all i have is my little girl she is the ony thing that makes me get up in the morning.i whish i had something nice to say like keep your head up but i do think its hard to do as well, its hard to just try saying it to someone when i dont even no how i can, but i do,i have too for my lil girl.

Jul 29, 2011
I am trying to understand
by: Debbie

I feel your hurt even though I don't totally understand. I can't imagine finding some one you love that has taken their life. That had to be horrific and devastating. Now to deal with your Mom, God bless you and know there is some one out there praying for you and your situation. Life can be so tough. I will pray that you find the strength to deal with this situation and that God will help you to cope. We are here for each other and I totally care for you and what you are dealing with. God bless you...

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