14 years of pain

by Sherry
(Racine, Wisconsin)

I am Sherry. My ex broke up with me after 14 years. The day before he told me he loved me, the next day he said he doesn't love me, and thinks we should break up. He said he met someone. I experienced terrible shock, and heartbreak. He started to text and talk to her on the phone, laughing and talking in front of me as if I wasn't there, as if I never existed. It's been 6 months since the breakup, he still calls me from time to time, asking if I need anything, I NEVER showed him any weakness, it was him to started initiating the calls. He does not speak of coming back, and it hurts everytime he calls. He was unemotionally unavailable from the time I met him. I don't know why I let myself stay with him as long as I did, but I fell in love, and you know what they say, love is blind? Maybe it's blind, when you are not receiving but just giving. I don't know why the pain is still with me, I lost my self esteem, nothing interests me, and I feel very much alone, and no one understands. I want to overcome this, but I don't know how. I want to stop yearning and hoping me will come back. I don't know who I am anymore more. I need to let him go, but I am still in love with me, why? Why, do I still have these feelings, when he doesn't want me? Why can't I get over him? HELP!!

Comments for 14 years of pain

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Nov 16, 2011
Heal the broken heart
by: Anonymous

Dear Sherry, we are going through the same loss... I know how it feels and it's very painful. I too do not know how to cope with the pain. But everyday I make small step to live. I started seeing old friends, reading positive quotes, get haircut every 2 months. Little by little the pain goes away but there's some moment especially at night that I can't help but think of him. Some people might think time will heal the pain. Well time will never heal the broken heart it is up to us to fight and be strong! Sherry, I too is praying that this pain goes away soon! So don't give up, be strong and live in the moment. Since I had this experience I've taught myself to be more positive simply because I have no choice but to live and go through the grief. So everyday I wake up and on my way out the door I tell myself "today is gonna be a great day!" that helps to keep me positive and happy in the same time. Don't lose hope we will be happy too when we find the good one!

May 26, 2011
Hard to Grasp
by: Sherry

It is very cruel to tell you that he told you he loves you, just because he thought that is what you wanted to hear. That is a long time to stay with someone that he didn't love!!! Who does he think he is, now suddenly announce tha. All he is, is a miserable shell of a man. That is his fault, not yours. Stop coddling him, and feeling sorry for him. Now you need to get mad, and teach him a good lesson. Stop seeing and talking to him, kick him to the curb, tell him to go somewhere else and have his little pitty party with his psychiatrist. He sounds pathetic. How could you now have any respect for him. Have some for yourself. Get dressed, and go out and party. Because we women, put all our chips on men, who gravely disappoint us at some point of life, just remember it is not about you, it is about him. Now you be strong, and show him just what kind of a woman you are. Don't take what he says seriously, or you will wallow in self-pity for the rest of your life. You depended too much on his emotional support, which he was faking for 28 years, according to him. He cheated not only you out of love, but himself. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness.

If you think your life is over, that you have no value, and think that you are unloveable, because that is essentially what he told you, then you have given him the power and you are defeated. Shut him out, and tell him to get lost, and start believing in yourself, and God's love for you, and you will see what he is saying in a different light. Never take what he says to heart that much, because he has self-loathing. You can't fix him, he needs to fix himself, and you get a ten foot pole, and don't let him get into your head anymore. If you do, you are believing in the devil. DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT HE IS SAYING IS TRUE. TELL HIM TO ASK FOR GOD'S FORGIVENESS FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE TO HIMSELF AND TO YOU. He is not God, so take him off that pedestal. Because while you are looking up to him, he is looking down at you.

May 23, 2011
been there yet overcame it
by: only time can heal

I feel for you both, i too was in a long relationship that ended abruptly with him telling me he wanted someone else. i too continued to see him knowing he was still with her, until one day when we were together, i asked him why he continued to see me & he made it mighty clear that a he was doing it only because i allowed it.
it wasn't because he still loved me, i will as i did while in relationship allowed him to play me for a fool. so i decided (as hard as it was) that i would not communicate with him, just to see if his calls would still continue & as surprising as it was he didn't bother calling. so i realized that i was doing it to myself. i seeked counseling & that helped me see that i didnt value my own self & (therapist)helped me to find self-value in myself so i could become strong & stay away. he still tries to call me however when i see it is him,I just ignore the call or text. i wish you both the best. i will pray for god to heal your hearts so u can move on to a better life.

May 23, 2011
years of pain
by: Judith

Dear Sherry, you will get back your self esteem by being strong and unavailable. When he calls you hang up on him or don't answer the phone . He didn't want you and he played you along. Why would you want to torture yourself again? From this very moment Respect yourself first and always. Never allow someone to treat you in that manner. If it were your best friend telling you about someone who treated her that way what would you tell her. Hopefully what I'm telling you now. Please don't talk to him at all. Do not give him one second of your time now.

You are missing what you thought "could/should have been" not what he really was. A person who is not there when he is there, cold and aloof? Who needs that?

I know of what I speak here because I had a relationship like yours. The voice of experience is a good teacher. I pray you will take me serious. the handful of good times in 14 years does not outweigh the misery you chose to endure for the sake of love.

He has some serious maturity issues and you're better off without him. Yes, you will see that when you can step back and look at the big picture of what you thought you had. You were carrying the relationship hoping he would change.

Talk with God and be good to yourself and be strong. You will find someone more deserving of you in time. But before you do you will have to work on who you are and know what you truly deserve in a mate. Take the time now to get to know yourself again and come out saying "I will never allow a man to do those things to me again" I deserve better.

Good Luck.

May 22, 2011
25 years ..alll for nothing...!!
by: Anonymous

dear sherry... i feel your pain.... i was with my hubby for 28 years married to him for 25.... he left 9 weeks ago and i am devastated....he to kept saying he loved me.... but in truth he didnt... he told me he said it because he thought it was what i wanted to hear.... all i ever wanted was a true ,honest ,loving guy to be with for the rest of my days.. i put a lot of value on my marriage.. i wouldnt of hurt him for the world...i thought i had it in him... all my friends say now that they would never have thought that he would of walked out of my life... we do see each other from time to time. he txt's me to.. nearly everyday, but its hard... i want him to stop coming to the house but i still love and care for him... i cant just turn it off....i feel that he is mega depressed, maybe your partner is feeling the same way... he hates himself and thinks that he is a crap dad, crap husband and a crap man... well i never would put that label on him...i dont know how to help you thru your pain, as my pain like yours is very raw...cry if you need to.. scream if you feel the need .. i do... i talk to people and keep busy as much as i can, but some days i dont even get dressed... i see no point in my life no more, but we still have to wake up each day and get thru the day any way we can..sometimes i just want to be on my own... i think about happier days but that just upsets me as he is not here to share things with me... i know it will be hard and people say time heals... it doesnt... i just gets easier to bare... good luck sweetie... hugs to you ...

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