15 months and the pain is real and feels like day one

by Steffy
(Arizona)

I sit here holding my 13 month old baby looking in his gorgeous eyes and I see him.. I see cody my husband, our looks so much like him that it hurts.
I feel as if I will never be able to move forward, I stopped writing about Cody and talking about him for months because I don't know what to say anymore...
I lost him when I was 7 months pregnant and it still hurts and the pain gets so intense that I cannot breathe and my entire body hurts especially my chest like if someone is pushing down on it so hard..

I miss Cody so much, I am only 21 years old and I am widow and a new mother... Its unbelievable that his has really happened. That Cody was killed at 21 years of age and 3 months, that his life is over, that our life is over...

He was everything to me, and he wanted to be a daddy we were so in love and so happy, why did he have to die.. I wasn't ready to lose him we had an entire life to live and now... Its just me and my son.

I don't even know that im doing a good job with him.. I still cry often sometimes I cant stop.. I don't cry infront of Ryder my son often anymore nor do I cry infront of family of friends, I find it easier when Im alone that way no one is uncomfortable.

I feel as if I have not grieved properly.. BUT HOW COULD I? I was pregnant, 7 months pregnant when cody was shot and killed... I didn't want to lose our baby so I held it in then.. I had our baby and am with him 24/7 ALL I WANT TO DO IS SCREAM, BREAK SOMETHING, lose myself.. forget... I would never harm myself or my child I know I may sound crazy but I just really hurt and don't know how to let it go.

Ive written things here in the past and I felt as if I was being judged.. so I am attempting this again, I just want to let my emotions out, I want to be heard I want my pain to go away...

jan 16 2012 I lost him.. the love of my life, I spent 6 years with him!! I was 14 years old when I met him and KNEW he was the one..
What do I do now???

When do I move on? Can I move on? when will it stop hurting??...

Ive seen councilors Ive seen doctors, I don't want to be on medication, I don't want to sit in a room and tell someone over and over again that im not ok yet.. I just hate hurting like this.

I love my son so much and am so thankful I have a piece of cody with me everyday, I wish Cody could have met his little boy. Ryder Cody is amazing and so loving and I am so blessed to have him. doesn't mean I don't love and miss cody. I miss and love him more then words can describe...

Comments for 15 months and the pain is real and feels like day one

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Jul 02, 2013
let your son's smiles comfort and console you
by: Anonymous

The pain of losing a love one cant be explained. I lost my husband a year ago and our son was just 10 weeks old. He died in my present, the pain of watching him died always drive me crazy but i have tried in my little way to let go especially when i look at my son.

I want you to be strong especially for your son. Please dont let that wonderful angel down. our sons are all we have let us get our strength from their smiles. God bless you.

May 04, 2013
Thank you so much
by: Steffy

All of you who have commented thank you. I cry for you and for how awful life can be to us sometimes.

I hope someday we will all understand why such tragedy happens.

I hope some day I can be strong enough to accept what has happened, but as of now I crumble and scream.. I loved him, I wanted to spend my entire life with him but he was gone in a blink of an eye but our son will be here with me and remind me of our love everyday.

Thank you again, there are no words to describe how thankful I am that I can talk to people who understand my pain.

I feel like I walk alone but moments like this I feel so close to all of you and wish I could just hold you.

May 04, 2013
pain is like only one day ago
by: may perez

STEFFY PLEASE ALLOW ME TO HOLD YOUR HAND AND LISTEN TO WHAT I AM ABOUT TO TELL YOU. I LOST TWO TWO HUSBANDS AND
YES I WAS DEPRESS WHEN THEY PASSED AWAY. LIKE YOU NOTHING
WAS ANY GOOD. MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS WRE ALL TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THINGS WILL BE BETTER. HOW DO THEY KNOW THEY
WEREN'T FEELING WHAT I WAS FEELING. MY MIND WAS GOING IOO
MILES AN HOUR. I AM A GOOD MOTHER BUT AT THAT TIME I WAS
SO LOST AND SUCH GREAT PAIN CAME AND I WAS ALSO VERY
YOUNG. I HAVE CHILDREN FROM MY FIRST HUSBAND AND HAD THREE FROM MY SECOND HUSBAND.YOU SEE STEEFY I JUST LOST MY
NUMBER FOUR SON LESS THAN TWO MONTHS. THE PAIN YOU ARE
FEELING NOW IS THE PAIN I HAVE NOW. WHEN I LOST MY SON I
FELT LIKE I DIED WITH HIM. I MYSELF TRY TO FIND COMFORT FROM
THIS WEB SITE AND IN SOME WAYS I FEEL LIKE IT HAS HELPED ME
A LITTLE. IT WILL TAKE SOME TIME, HOW LONG I DON'T KNOW
BUT I TRY TO PARTICIPATE AS MUCH AS I CAN SO THAT IT WII
MAKE ME FEEL AND SEE A LITTLE COMFORT FROM MY GRIEVING. YOU SEE STEEFY CRY IF YOU NEED TO CRY, TALK TO ACLOSE FRIEND THAT WILL REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE FEELING.
I AM STILL GRIEVING AS I WRITE THIS LETTER, BUT IT'S OK AS LONG
CAN HELP SOME ONE LIKE YOU AND MYSELF.
MY DEAR SON WAS 41YRS OLD,MARRIED WITH FOUR CHILDREN
BUT HE IS MY FLESH AND BLOOD, AND I WOULD NEVER BE ABLE
TO SEE MY LOVING SON ANY MORE. I ALWAYS VISIST HIM IN HIS BURIAL PLACE PRAY FOR HIM, CRY, AND I ALSO TALK TO HIM.
I LOVE MY SON SO MUCH, LIKE THE WAY YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND
BUT I GET OUT OF THE HOUSE OR ELSE I'LL LOSE MY MIND.I PRAY
THAT YOU WILL FIND COMFORT IN THE COMING DAYS AHEAD OF
YOU

May 03, 2013
15 months and the pain is real
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Steffy,
I remember your post after Cody was shot and killed. My heart hurt for you at such a young age and pregnant with your little boy. God blessed you with a little boy who is a part of you and Cody. Every time you look at Ryder you will see your husband. You are a good mother and you always will cherish your child.
My husband will be gone 2 years on June 27th. Where did the time go? I really don't know; guess just one day at a time. I still feel lonely alot. My life is forever changed as is yours. I was married 46 years. My husband was my life. I have 5 adult children and 8 grandchildren. I cherish them so much. We all still talk about their dad and Papa. They tell me they all are so proud of the way I am doing. They don't know what a challenge going on without their dad and Papa is.
We all realize our life is forever changed. this si not a life we would choose for ourselves, but this is our life now, for whatever reason. Our spouses want us to live life to the fullest. They are not physically with us, but spiritually, they will always be with us. I still talk to my husband everyday. I will always love him and miss him. Time doesn't change that. We change, we learn to go on without them.
God is walking with us everyday. We couldn't do it without his guidance, that I firmly believe, as I believe one day we all will again be reunited with our husbands, when our turn to leave this earth comes. Why some of us have to carry this burden of grief, while others don't, I don't have the answer. Some all called off this earth way too soon, while others get to live a long life. I still question, why my husband was taken from me, but it was not my call. I am trying to live for the both of us now. i don't like being alone, yet, I really am not alone. But all of us spouses truly understand what I mean about feeling alone.
Keep us up-dated on that little man of yours. My adult sons now remind me of their dad, since he isn't here anymore. I know the resemblance was always there, I just took so much for granted before; I cherish the little things so much more.

May 03, 2013
15 months and the pain is real and feels like day one
by: Doreen U.K.

Steffy I remember you. I am so sorry to hear of your on going sorrow and pain which still feels so raw from your post. What happened to you is not fair. It was cruel and tragic. You were and still are so young to be facing such grief and sorrow so early in life that will make you feel it all so consuming you don't know how you will get through it all.
Don't ever doubt if you are doing a good job. Say one positive and encouraging thing to yourself each day that will build you up and then build on this each day. I bet you are a great Mom under such difficult circumstances.
None of us knows how long grief will last? How will we get over it? But be confident You will get over it. You ask Can I move on? YES! you can. Give yourself all the time you need to move forward. There is no hurry. One day you will look back and wonder how you got through all your grief and sorrow. We are all facing this with you. I wonder the same things myself. HOW LONG? HOW LONG? will I be in the harsh place of sorrow and grief. Every day feels like an eternity. When I get through each day I breathe a sigh of relief. Only to rise in the morning and do it all over again. Each day is the same and nothing changes from our grief. BUT ONE DAY IT WILL CHANGE. When your son Ryder grows up he will be a great comfort and greater joy to you. Children have a way of bringing comfort and strength and say the right things at the right time. Come here anytime and often and just speak how you feel and get your grief out of your system. I guess every now and then things build up inside and we can't bear it any more. If you believe in God. Beat on His chest and call out to him until He hears and brings comfort to you. God is in Control and He cares what happens to us. If we lose Hope we have nothing. Even with God in our life some days can be tough, but this is God's way of saying lean heavier on me. Never lose sight of God. He is all we have in our sorrow. He will bring us comfort and strength. You will become stronger in time Steffy. You are so very young to go through this tragedy. Being 21yrs. is still so very young to lose a husband. Ask God to put people in your life to walk with you through your grief and sorrow because we still need human contact. God created us to be in relationship. We weren't meant to live in isolation. God created man for woman. God knew we needed this companionship in our life. Now it has been snatched away from us God has to step in now and take over. My heart aches also. My loss is great. I send you my Love, prayers, and friendship from across the pond. May God be especially close to you now and may each day be lighter and easier with God beside you to strengthen and comfort you. God Bless.

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