18 years 2 months 16 days

by Gregg
(Glendale, CA)

My handsome man

My handsome man

My handsome man

Click on each photo to enlarge.

That's how long my domestic partner and I were in a committed relationship. He died in his sleep January 2, 2011. So it's almost 3 months. We were best friends for about 4 years before we committed and we met and became friendly in 1981. We live in LA He was my everything. I thought we had so much more time because we loved each other more each day. My grief is starting to hit me physically. Vertigo, muscle spasms, neuropathy, dizziness. My right leg from my knee to my shin is riddled with scrapes, scratches and scars from falling over. I cry myself to sleep (when I can sleep) with Dante', my Dalmatian in my arms. At times I'm afraid to leave the house. I don't care about anything. I used to love watching tv and we had our favorite programs. But now I lost interest in my favorite shows. I can't eat. I've lost 24 lbs. since Craig passed. All my friends, except for Alan and my family, have stopped calling. It's only new people I met since that day keep in touch. I met a model/actor who lost his companion in Dec.2010. We had coffee in West Hollywood and shared our story for an hour and a half. I find talking about it is a positive way of releasing the grief. Talking to Craig in my journal also helps greatly. That's what my mind says. But my heart is selfish. I want him here!! Why did he leave me? I just want to die so I can have him back. Not only am I dealing with this unbearable grief I also have been dealing with HIV for 18 years. I was diagnosed one week after we committed. Craig's friends told him he should just walk away and avoid the pain. Two weeks later I was hospitalized and the 5 doctors on my case told Craig To "pick me up in a box tomorrow" because I wasn't going to make it thru the night. Craig said no to his friends and doctors and said I was going to live. That night he told God "You can't have this one. He's mine and I won't allow you to take him." Well, his commitment, loyalty and devotion saved my life. I just wish I could saved his.

Comments for 18 years 2 months 16 days

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Apr 03, 2011
Thank you everyone
by: Gregg

Thank you everyone for your comments. They mean a lot to me. But it doesn't end there. I got a DUI in March and am afraid that I had amphetamines in my system for the 4th time. I haven't done any since because speed and grief do not mix. I want to sleep because that is the only time the pain goes away. I fear that I might have to spend some time in jail and I don't know if I can go through that. Then last April 1 I tested positive for TB. I don't understand why all this is coming down on me. I've considered just stop taking my meds and let this disease take me away from all this.

Apr 01, 2011
To Gregg
by: Julie

Like the other comment said, yes, you are very lucky to have found and loved your true love. Some people never get that. But yes it is hard to open your heart and be forced to deal with loss.
I work in healthcare, so you probably already know, you should try your best to keep your health up. He would want you to. Make yourself eat, any little thing counts. Be good to yourself.

Mar 31, 2011
Gregg and Craig
by: Anonymous

Trish is correct, grief is the price we pay for having loved.
I lost my husband in December 2010 and the winter weather here in New England has been miserable and depressing. I have been so lonely here without DJ. We had been a couple for 37 years. He came home from work one day in November with a pain in his stomach. After a visit to the doctor and some tests he was told he had Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He was gone in 4 weeks.
I feel your pain. Our plans for the future were gone before I knew what hit me. I have been sad,weepy, lonely and angry.
January and February are a blur. His birthday was in March and for days leading up to it I was a mess. Somehow, after that milestone, my head started to clear a bit and I could start to appreciate that we had a long, wonderful life before those quick 4 weeks between his diagnosis and death.
I desperately want him back. I want our old life back. I continue to talk to him but I want to be able to have a conversation with him. I want to be able to touch him.
When you have loved somebody and have been loved in return (as you and Craig did) the pain of grief is immeasurable. However everyone on this site can relate to your pain and can provide the support you need. So please check in regularly and let us support you. There is no reason to go it alone. Family does not experience the same level of grief that a spouse or partner does, so lean on us and somehow we will all get through this together moment by moment and day by day.
Hugs, love and peace to you.
BTW, your Craig was a handsome guy:-)

Mar 31, 2011
Wishing better days ahead
by: M Mack


Yes I do know this pain you are going through is unbearable. It's so bad that it actually hurts. Have faith and let God help you through this. You were not in his plans to leave yet but he was. Eventually we will all know the answers to all the questions that have haunted us why we are left to survive and they are gone.

Fortunate you found the love of your life. Many never know this love but you were given this gift from above and He decides when to take it away. I know you don't see a way out
of your grief right now but you will find it in due time. All you can do is let it happen, mourn in your own way and go with it.
Take one breath, one step, one day at a time and know that as you go along....you have my prayers and everyone on this site is here for you always.

Mar 31, 2011
Grief is the Price we Pay for Love
by: TrishJ

Some people aren't ever fortunate enough to find true love in their lives. My heart aches for your loss. My husband died almost four months ago. Death is so final. When they turned off his heart monitor and I returned to his room to find him so still and lifeless I wanted to die myself. I felt like my life was over.
Grief is the price tag on love. The deeper we love the bigger price we pay when we lose our loved one.
Your partner would want you to be happy. It doesn't seem like it now but we do eventually make it to the other side ~ the other side of grief. I'm just starting to come out of the fog and feel like I just might make it. Get up, put one foot in front of the other and ask God for his gracious help. You can do it. Take it slowly......one breath, one step at a time.

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