18 years

by hana

it has been 18 years since my father passed away.i was 2 years old when he passed.it was a shocking death and it was unexpecteed.how am i supposed to feel when i barely know him? and not to mention that i was only 2 years old.it may sounded like its not a big deal but it is.my childhood is full of symphaty and i dont like that.i know it is hard to live without a father but having everyone feeling sorry and reminding you those kinds of things every single time somehow makes you weak.the thing that i nate the most is celebrating father's day in school where each of us were required to prepare a father's day card.who will i give it to?many people may not understand how it is to actually lose someone who is very important eventhough we barely knew them.i have to fight for myself every single time because my family never talk about my father after his death.we keep everything to ourselves and its killing me.crying when you're alone and how jelous you are when you're friends are talking about their father.i am honestly tired crying and denying the fact that i cant be that strong girl anymore.18 years.i miss you always.and since it is your birthday,happy birthday dad.eventhough i may not be able to see you,i promise you,you will be proud of me someday.

Comments for 18 years

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Apr 30, 2013
18 years
by: Doreen U.K.

Hana I am sorry for your loss of your father 18yrs. ago. Try and get some grief counselling and you will have the space to talk to someone who will validate how you feel. Respect this and work with you to grieve this LONG LOSS. You have suffered peer pressure and this is making it worse for you. Once you work with a counsellor your self esteem will get better and you will feel so different.
You will still miss the father you never knew. But you will be coping better with this loss. I know it may be a cultural issue or too painful for your family to talk about your father. This is unfair to you because you need to know your HISTORY. Try and speak to someone in your family close or distant and try and get some answers. Let your family know that you need to know this history of your father whether good or bad.
Keep a journal and write your feelings and everything you learn about your father so that the information is recorded forever and not lost from memory. You will start to feel better when you have the gaps filled in. The way you describe the secrecy and lack of consideration for your feelings and needing answers must make you feel as if you are invisible.
You sound as if you are Lost and trying to find yourself. Let someone in your family know how deeply upset you are. I wish you Peace and Comfort in your grief and sorrow.

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