19 Months without my son

by Carol, Sean's Mom
(Bellingham, Mass)

My Handsome Young Man

My Handsome Young Man

Today marks 19 months that I have lived without my son. Sean was my oldest of three children and only son. He died suddenly in his sleep. They called his death the Perfect Storm. It was certainly a storm but there was nothing perfect about it. It claimed the life of my beautiful son who was only 24. They found a blood clot that had exploded the right side of his heart and his brain suffered loss of oxygen. My life changed so drastically that day that I still don't believe it. My world is so scarey now and nothing seems ok. I adore my children and I have to try to stay strong for his two younger sister but it is hard.I have lived on a rollercoaster of emotion. We did have a fundraiser in Sean's memory and we did give out our first scholarship in his name. Sean was a good boy. He was sensitive and loved his family. He was not perfect but none of us are. At the 17 month mark I could barely function. My doctor diagnosed me with severe depression and started me on meds. They have helped the physical pain but my heart still breaks every day. I can't imagine I have to go the rest of my life without seeing his sparkling blue eyes and serious smile. I have met so many amazing grieving parents along my journey. I am involved in group and individual counseling.My life as I knew it ended that day and at 50 years old I don't know how to live. I was once confident and excited about life and now Sean's death took all that from me. I miss him beyond words and my heart aches for him everyday. Thanks for letting me vent. Today is a struggle.

Comments for 19 Months without my son

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Jun 19, 2013
Grief
by: Bill

I am like my friends on this site who have lost a child and my only way to end it is not being here because my life will never be the same ever again.It is only the thought of leaving my wife and two sons that have kept me here but that thought is diminishing as I have tried and tried and I am so weary of this world,and my heart is broken and sore with crying.

Jun 17, 2013
Sean's Mom
by: Cheri, Scot's Mom

Carol, I too understand your loss. My son Scot died this past January 15. He was 43. I grieve for not only the loss of his presence, but also for what he never got to experience. And all that I never got to experience with him. He had depression and became an alcoholic. The incidious alcoholism killed him. When he finally concented to rehab, it was too late. The story is heartbreaking and long, so I won't go into that here.

I just want to share something someone with a similar loss to mine said to me. She said 'You will always be Scot's Mom'. That has helped me. It's not much. But no one can take that away from me.

You will always be Sean's Mom. I wish you peace.

Jun 16, 2013
19 Months without my son
by: Doreen U.K.

Carol it doesn't get easier for us does it? I also feel like I am in a scary place. I have lost my protector (husband). My physical support to keep his family safe. I feel so exposed now to death and can't bear the silence in the house. I know how you feel. Some days are so bad I don't know how to go through them either. There is no answer either that will make us feel better. TIME is all we have. WE just EXIST. It is as if the life in us has died and we are just pushing ourselves on in the hope that another day we will feel better. I am glad that you are in a group and also counselling. Give it time. You will find your place again in life. It has taken my sister 7 yrs. to feel some relief from the loss of her son. But she still has some bad days. 13th June would have been his birthday. the day also her husband had an aneurysm burst and was seconds away from death. She had a panic attack on that day. Now waiting for another test on her husband. They are both worried. It seems that when one crisis has happened another is waiting in the wings. What a way to live with such stress and anxiety. But we still have to have HOPE otherwise we wouldn't be able to manage how to look after the ones we have left. You have to do this for your children left and I for mine. This is the only reason we have to fight to go on another day. But it is hard. I am with you on this one and also know how your feel. I hope you have better days ahead that get better.

Jun 16, 2013
Sean
by: Kate

My heart goes out to you in your pain for I feel your words with my heart. I lost my 39 year old son Louie who was such a kind hearted soul. He was nice to all. It is a torture only a mother close to her child, can know ,when they are taken from us. I am only at the 7 month mark. I wrote a poem in the grief poetry yesterday on this site called Today. It is always today. The loss lives with us. ...it is I'm sure ,the biggest challenge in life,to overcome the hurtful emotions of loss that want to take us with them in death and yet we know we must endure and go on for others. This is the place to vent!!......thank God for this site! We can go to each other with our grief and we are understood.
You are making it.God is within helping you. How could we do this on our own? Keep writing,keep trying,keep going. Our sons would want us to heal.....beautiful picture. Love to you.

Jun 16, 2013
I understand
by: Bereaved too

Dear Friend, We have had similar tragedies in our family. A cousin, young brother and uncle due to cardiomyopathy.

The shock is unbearable and coming to terms with the injustice.

I think you are doing an amazing job trying to go about your routine for your daughters. If they have undergone the hear screening (which they are trying to make compulsory in some schools)you should rest assured you can do no more.

There are support group in this country Compassionate friends, I do hope you can found many other supportive parents to befriend who have been on your traumatic journey.

Please look after yourself - I know it is not easy when you are so upset, but your daughters need their mom.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Jun 15, 2013
I feel your pain
by: Marlene

Today marks 6mos. since my son passed away. I miss him more than words could ever translate. I live but my heart will never be whole again. I put my faith in God. I have to believe I will see him again and something good for eternity will come from this. I know that God carry's the burden of much of my grief because if he didn't I would not be able to breathe.

I have said a prayer for you to find peace.
Love to you, from one mom to another.

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