1st Year Anniversary My Love has been Gone

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Jill & Pat ~ Las Vegas 2011

Jill & Pat ~ Las Vegas 2011

My heart has cried for 1 year ~
I see each minute, each second, the sounds of that day running, running like a movie on a loop in my mind. Then I see myself standing watching myself showing me everything that happened on the day that ended my life with Billy.
I seems like yesterday. I see the pictures so clear and I can't stop myself. I can't breathe it shakes me so hard I feel like my pounding heart will explode.
Its become "That 5 letter word" "GRIEF, GRIEF, GRIEF, GRIEF"
It haunts my soul, strips at my heart burning me from the inside out.
The never ending pain of love lost and gone forever.
I had a friend from Arkansas, a sister of sorts or maybe just a angel send to me Thursday the 16th. She just left this morning and it was fun. We did the girl stuff going out, see shows and just really having fun. It's been a long time since I've had someone around me, I mean staying here, eating, going to the pool.
Jill's a person I could say anything to about Billy. You see Jill and I worked at JC Penney's in El Dorado Arkansas. Another tie we have is she lost her husband when she was 23. She knows, she's felt and been where I'm at and where I going. But most important is she listens and doesn't judge and I could say the same thing about Billy a hundred times and she tells me "I Know Baby" and lets me talk. Another "Godwink"? But she left this morning.
I got home from work today and the silence was so deafening loud. Just me again. June 20th, today is the last day of spring. Tomorrow, June 21st is the beginning of Summer. A beginning of sorts for me in the "I've reached the 1 year Marker". Something I never thought I would be at this time in my life. I wanted more time. Is it possible to die of a broken heart? Because it sure feels like a little of me is fading away each day. What's the point? The light, the love I had in my heart belonged to my best friend, my soul mate, my forever after and now its disappearing. The end of life, feelings, the arms that would hold me when I cried. The one who tole me I could do anything. He believed in me and always saw the best in and what I could do even if I didn't think so myself.
Why? Why? Why? I just want to scream it until I have no voice. I have so many questions but no answers.
I just don't want to be me anymore.
But I don't have the choice do I? Like someone is going to answer that question. I know all the correct answers, he's in a better place, he's not in pain, we'll be together again some day...
bla bla bla . . . I'm so sick of it.
I could throw stuff at the walls and scream and have a tantrum but then I've be the one cleaning up the mess, what the purpose in that? I could scream at the top of my lungs but what do I do when I stop yelling? I know, say sorry to the neighbors and no there's not a crazy person here. Well, on second thought "Crazy" maybe a little. I know my sanity has been tested so much it got hand prints from me holding on so tight so I don't go off the deep end.
I keep rewinding back to that day. Trying to figure out if I could have done something different, somehow know something, anything to have changed that day's outcome. Believe me I've beaten up myself on so many different levels of what I should of, could of, would of done. I come back to the same answer ~ NOTHING ~
I'm just tired, so very tired. So tomorrow I'll awake in the morning, look around and say for the ump teen time, your still here, yes he's gone ~ get up and get ready for work. Just another day in Hell.
On the 23rd, Friday I have another friend from California coming to see me. Another "Godwink"? I like to think so. Someone up there is doing a lot of two stepping to help me get through this week with a little sanity. Its the 3 days in the middle that are beating me.
So time for another day ~ Alone ~
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time

Comments for 1st Year Anniversary My Love has been Gone

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Jun 22, 2011
ACCEPTANCE
by: LILY

YES MY BELOVED HUSBAND TIGER DIED SUDDENLY LAST WEEK..........ITS LIKE A MOVIE EVERYONES WALKING AROUND.LOOKING NORMAL.DON T THEY KNOW CAN THEY SEE.MY MAN OF 7 YEARS LEFT ME.PASSED OVER........KNOW THEY DONT KNOW AND I KNOW OF HE WAS HERE HE WOULD SAY.GO LIVE BABY.......LIVE...GRIEF.YES !!!!ITS HUMAN.....BUT PLEASE PLEASE ACCEPT.....IM GONE DONT BEAT YOURSELF UP DONT HURT HURTSELF DONT INJURE YOU SOUL.....IM SORRY IM GONE......BUT LIVE.LIVE FOR ME.FOR YOU.GO DO WHAT I CANT.PLEASE SHINE BABY SHINE..........
YOU WILL ONLY BRING YOUR SELF TO A PLACE I DONT WANT YOU TO.........

Jun 21, 2011
1styear anniversary
by: jules

Thinking of you now - take care - think of the good times - know you will have good times again - not the same - but different, with different people, your friends -
every day - one step, one breath
jules

Jun 21, 2011
time flies
by: Shirley

Yes, time flies and we have no control over it. In the depths of our grief we are forced to function like normal human beings. We see the world through distorted lenses....nothing looks the same anymore. It's an odd feeling to watch everyone else continue to live their lives in such a "normal" fashion while we just struggle to hold on second by second. Like you, I'll never understand the "why" of all of this. Never, until the day I die will I "get it" and never will I "get over it". Sending lots of hugs cousin.

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