1st Year Anniversary My Love has been Gone
Jill & Pat ~ Las Vegas 2011
My heart has cried for 1 year ~
I see each minute, each second, the sounds of that day running, running like a movie on a loop in my mind. Then I see myself standing watching myself showing me everything that happened on the day that ended my life with Billy.
I seems like yesterday. I see the pictures so clear and I can't stop myself. I can't breathe it shakes me so hard I feel like my pounding heart will explode.
Its become "That 5 letter word" "GRIEF, GRIEF, GRIEF, GRIEF"
It haunts my soul, strips at my heart burning me from the inside out.
The never ending pain of love lost and gone forever.
I had a friend from Arkansas, a sister of sorts or maybe just a angel send to me Thursday the 16th. She just left this morning and it was fun. We did the girl stuff going out, see shows and just really having fun. It's been a long time since I've had someone around me, I mean staying here, eating, going to the pool.
Jill's a person I could say anything to about Billy. You see Jill and I worked at JC Penney's in El Dorado Arkansas. Another tie we have is she lost her husband when she was 23. She knows, she's felt and been where I'm at and where I going. But most important is she listens and doesn't judge and I could say the same thing about Billy a hundred times and she tells me "I Know Baby" and lets me talk. Another "Godwink"? But she left this morning.
I got home from work today and the silence was so deafening loud. Just me again. June 20th, today is the last day of spring. Tomorrow, June 21st is the beginning of Summer. A beginning of sorts for me in the "I've reached the 1 year Marker". Something I never thought I would be at this time in my life. I wanted more time. Is it possible to die of a broken heart? Because it sure feels like a little of me is fading away each day. What's the point? The light, the love I had in my heart belonged to my best friend, my soul mate, my forever after and now its disappearing. The end of life, feelings, the arms that would hold me when I cried. The one who tole me I could do anything. He believed in me and always saw the best in and what I could do even if I didn't think so myself.
Why? Why? Why? I just want to scream it until I have no voice. I have so many questions but no answers.
I just don't want to be me anymore.
But I don't have the choice do I? Like someone is going to answer that question. I know all the correct answers, he's in a better place, he's not in pain, we'll be together again some day...
bla bla bla . . . I'm so sick of it.
I could throw stuff at the walls and scream and have a tantrum but then I've be the one cleaning up the mess, what the purpose in that? I could scream at the top of my lungs but what do I do when I stop yelling? I know, say sorry to the neighbors and no there's not a crazy person here. Well, on second thought "Crazy" maybe a little. I know my sanity has been tested so much it got hand prints from me holding on so tight so I don't go off the deep end.
I keep rewinding back to that day. Trying to figure out if I could have done something different, somehow know something, anything to have changed that day's outcome. Believe me I've beaten up myself on so many different levels of what I should of, could of, would of done. I come back to the same answer ~ NOTHING ~
I'm just tired, so very tired. So tomorrow I'll awake in the morning, look around and say for the ump teen time, your still here, yes he's gone ~ get up and get ready for work. Just another day in Hell.
On the 23rd, Friday I have another friend from California coming to see me. Another "Godwink"? I like to think so. Someone up there is doing a lot of two stepping to help me get through this week with a little sanity. Its the 3 days in the middle that are beating me.
So time for another day ~ Alone ~
1 step, 1 breath at a time