2 Year Blues
Christmas Arkansas 2009
I'm walking between the light of life and darkness of emptiness. My soul drowning with nothing to hold on too.
This year I'm in my apartment by myself. Alone each night when I get home, alone watching TV, alone when I go to bed each night.
I find myself staring into space, thinking of where I am and discovering I have nothing to come home too.
To be honest when I get home I have a beer to unwind and then I look to my kitchen, baking and cooking to make myself feel better. Strange huh? I'm drinking beer and baking as my outlet. Of course I could do without the beer but after working retail all day and with the holidays its getting crazy and I expect it as the holiday's come closer it will be out of this world... I bring everything I bake to work because I have no one at home to eat it.
I've discovered since my mother went to Florida to my brother's for Thanksgiving how much I spent time with her and how I miss her.
I look at my phone and wish I had someone to talk to because there's no one here at home.
Wow, do I sound depressed or what? How far does rock bottom really go? I haven't been on this site for a little while because of being busy at work and I really didn't want to confess my pain and loneliness. I feel like a broken record. I just want it to stop!
Everything, every minute, every song or thought take's me back to Billy, the pain so unbearable at times. Why? I feel so lost and have backslide so much I'm drowning in pain and despair.
Where am I going, what am I doing? I don't know but I keep putting one step in front of the other...
Miles I've walk but have found I'm going nowhere...
What next? Thanksgiving then Christmas...
I look for hope, hope the sorrow and pain will ease, hope my job pays the bill's, hope I can live another day with Billy gone...
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year 5 months...