2 Year Blues

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

Christmas Arkansas 2009

Christmas Arkansas 2009

I'm walking between the light of life and darkness of emptiness. My soul drowning with nothing to hold on too.
This year I'm in my apartment by myself. Alone each night when I get home, alone watching TV, alone when I go to bed each night.
I find myself staring into space, thinking of where I am and discovering I have nothing to come home too.
To be honest when I get home I have a beer to unwind and then I look to my kitchen, baking and cooking to make myself feel better. Strange huh? I'm drinking beer and baking as my outlet. Of course I could do without the beer but after working retail all day and with the holidays its getting crazy and I expect it as the holiday's come closer it will be out of this world... I bring everything I bake to work because I have no one at home to eat it.
I've discovered since my mother went to Florida to my brother's for Thanksgiving how much I spent time with her and how I miss her.
I look at my phone and wish I had someone to talk to because there's no one here at home.
Wow, do I sound depressed or what? How far does rock bottom really go? I haven't been on this site for a little while because of being busy at work and I really didn't want to confess my pain and loneliness. I feel like a broken record. I just want it to stop!
Everything, every minute, every song or thought take's me back to Billy, the pain so unbearable at times. Why? I feel so lost and have backslide so much I'm drowning in pain and despair.
Where am I going, what am I doing? I don't know but I keep putting one step in front of the other...
Miles I've walk but have found I'm going nowhere...
What next? Thanksgiving then Christmas...
I look for hope, hope the sorrow and pain will ease, hope my job pays the bill's, hope I can live another day with Billy gone...
Always,
1 step, 1 breath at a time ~ 1 year 5 months...

Comments for 2 Year Blues

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Nov 23, 2011
One Year Blues
by: TrishJ

Tomorrow is going to very hard for all of us. Last Thanksgiving my husband was still here. He passed away 8 days later. He enjoyed his dinner at my sister's house but was so sick my daughter and son-in-law basically had to carry him to the car.
The holidays are so hard. He was raised by an alcoholic mother who never did much for him when he was growing up. I taught him to love Christmas as I always have. We didn't have much when I was growing up but my parents always managed to turn things into magic. I have such wonderful memories it's so hard to think about those years past.
All we can do is keep trying. I'm approaching the one year mark. I thought (so stupid really) that the one year anniversary was going to bring some relief. How wrong I was. I don't feel anymore ready to move forward than 6 months ago. I probably felt better 6 months ago because I was oblivious.
God bless Patricia. There has to be some release to our pain. I'm hoping some day when I least expect it...............I'm hoping that for all of us.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Nov 23, 2011
Our Beloved Billy
by: Geoffrey Campbell

Dear Patricia, I say "our" because I just lost my Dad whose name is Bill, or Billy, who I loved as a Father, and I notice that your Billy has a very kind face. I wept as I read your story about Billy, and about your Mom, and the loneliness you are experiencing. Seeing your picture somehow helps to understand your story, seeing the happiness in your face and eyes with your dear Billy. You have a beautiful face Patricia, a woman like you should have wonderful, caring friends to help you through this.
I also lost a sweet heart, but that was ten months ago, but I don't think the grief will ever leave me. Seeing her eyes close for the last time, taking her last breath, I find it difficult to enjoy the simple things, and crying every night. Yet I am glad that she was in my life, she loved me with all her heart, and I am a better man because of her. If I may say this, this site helps me daily, it is helping me get through this. Also helping others, and praying to our loving God, and reading the Bible is helping me, but especially finding ways to show compassion to others is helping me, though in my heart I have a sorrow that will never pass. Thank you dear Patricia for sharing, may God bless you dear.
A fellow friend in grief and compassion in Pennsylvania, Geoffrey

Nov 23, 2011
I Feel Your Pain
by: Wendy

Dear Patricia,

I am certainly not one to offer any sort of advice on how to deal with your pain. I just suddenly lost my husband 4 months ago, and am asking myself the same questions. The emptiness and loneliness is unbearable. I've read all the books, gone to grief counseling and support groups, and they all have one thing in common. I am told by all that we need to give it as much time as we need. It's good to hear that you at least are doing things like baking, because to be honest with you I go home after work and spend the rest of the night and weekends sitting on my couch thinking about all the things I should be doing. This will be my first Holiday season without the love of my life, and I find that short of the people on this website, no one truly understands how how we feel or what we're going through. I'm hoping you family or close friends helping you through this. If not I would be happy to exchange phone numbers or email addresses.

Please try to stay strong, and like you said, one step, one breath at a time. You are in my thoughts and prayers are with you. My email is wrreefer@hotmail.com. Feel free to keep in touch. It helps a great deal to sometimes talk to strangers, although we are not strangers to this unbearable situation.

Try to be thankful this year for the time you did have with your love, and know that he would want you to go on a live life for the two of you. If only I could practice what I preach!

Wendy

Nov 23, 2011
I have 14 Month blues
by: M Mack

Pat,

You are going through the motions of a survivor. We do what ever it takes stepping forward. I struggle because everywhere I go there are memories just waiting for me - the holidays are the worst. I guess you could say we are in a staging area of life, waiting for something to happen to fill the time and space left without our loves. Some days are better than others.

We will eventually find the space we belong in and know what we were sent here to accomplish. I can't imagine we are destined to go through life without a purpose to pay the bills, bake and drink beer right? Maybe those events are stepping stones to something greater! Anyway, hang in there, pray for guidance and look for ways to love yourself. Happiness is somewhere on this planet and we deserve to be there again one day.

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