2 years 3 Months and a night of Sorrow

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

The time has past and I thought I was walking the walking with the real world. I looked in my bedside end table and found a book called Perceptions by Larry Stafford. I remember in the morning on the way when we lived in Arkansas to work he would talk about feelings and responses on how we interpret others.
In that book I found a picture of our Headstone with what Billy believed "Live, Laugh, Love each day with Passion and a copy of his death certificate. Talk about throwing a bucket of ice water in your face.
I read and re-read the name, parents and cause over and over like I would have thought it would changed.
All I knew was the fear of the 1 year coming and when it does then you know it's real...
Now it's the second year and you have to resign to the fact that your really not going to be together and wishing you weren't here.
I look at the seal on the death certificate and can't just push it away because the words of Billy show me he's gone and I can't pretend he's here.
I'm in another place, states away from what was our home, on my own with walls around me with the love and comfort our home once had. 1 day or 2 years is only time, the memories, our life just a moment ago, a million miles ago but yet yesterday. I been feeling and missing him so much more these past days and months and I thought I was under control.. ha ha what a illusion I'm sure we all walk through at time.
I ask myself, where am I going? What am I doing? I sleep, work, eat and come home. I'm in a waiting mode, hoping I won't wake in the morning, wishing I could see you but it doesn't happen. So I'm up and off to work like the regular world....
But this isn't a regular world for me. I must continue on and wait until I can be with my love Billy... I missing him so much... But...
I will continue for I have no choice ....
1 step, 1 breath at a time....

Comments for 2 years 3 Months and a night of Sorrow

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Sep 11, 2012
by: Anonymous

It's been 14 months since my beloved husband died beside me in the middle of the night from an unexpected heart attack. I, too, thought I was making progress only to find the pain returning this past week. A song, a photo, a dream, and the crying starts all over again. The hole in my heart will never heal. No one understands unless they've walked this road of heartbreak and profound despair. I've read books on grief and attended grief sessions. Nothing brings my love back to me. I see couples everywhere which only reminds me that I'm alone. Our friends have disappeared and, the life we shared, is gone. This website validates that my thoughts and feelings are normal. My thanks to each of you for sharing how you feel with each of us.

Sep 07, 2012
So hard
by: June

It will be six months on the 8th of Sept. I lost my dear Mike. I think it's getting worse, today has been just awful, I play Paul Brandt's "Together Again"....this song is sad but wonderful and says it all.
Patricia, I feel for you and just like you I go through the motions of living. Hate this life. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Reading on this website is a comfort and I come to this a couple of times a week. I miss Mike so much. September 5th was our anniversary.

Sep 04, 2012
2 years 3 months
by: silver

This really hit me. It has been 1 yr 3 months for me. I told my children that the thing I miss the most is my love's presence. Just the fact that I could turn around and he would be there.Unfortunately, he's not. Each time I have to produce his death certificate to stop a bill or to prove he's dead hurts deeply.I had to go to the hospital for bronchitis on 9-1, and when they came in to register me and asked me if I was married,single,or widowed. I began to cry again. My son had to go out in the hall to finish the task. I am going to go to group counseling next week as I can't seem to handle it alone anymore.I pray for you,me and others like us often.

Sep 03, 2012
Passing of Time
by: Judith in California

Hi Patricia, I've been thinking about you wondering how you are. Thinking about you and I both two years ago. Our Hearts breaking into pieces. My "new normal" began 9-14-10. It's become a cycle hasn't it? We do okay for awhile then boom the reality sinks in and yet we hope it's just adeam. Then we find things and look at pictures and each day something or another reminds of of them and the deep hole in our hearts that they once filled begins to ache with longing all over agian. No matter if we have moved forward these days there's this gnawing need we have for our life when we were an US and it's just unbearable huh?

I'm so glad you wrote as it seems I'm missing Chuck more lately too , not less. I hate the time going because it means he is moving further away from me. I don't want him to become a warm memory I want him here with me making warm memories.

Take care and let us know what you're up to from time to time.

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