2 years later and I am STILL missing my Jon so much!!

by Jon's Mom

I am 2 years into the loss of my son Jon. He died in his sleep at the age of 26. I still cannot comprehend that my son is gone. I have changed both mentally and physically. I am no longer religious. I do not hate god I just do not know if one really exits. For 26 years (when my son was alive) I have known his whereabouts. I know for sure where I left him in the cemetery but now I am supposed to believe he is in heaven somewhere. This is supposed to make me feel better. People say, he is watching over you. Why would I want my son to watch us still grieve, or be happy and live life without him?? I have read posts of other "Angel Moms" (as we're called now) that my daughter is hanging out with your daughter etc., etc.. Are they serious? Heaven is a wonderful thought and I hope there is one, but believing in it will not make me feel better. Why would I be happy my son is in heaven when no one knows if it really exits!! I do not blame the death of my son on anyone, including god. The death of your child will either turn you to religion, away from religion or just completely question everything which is where I am at. I have to tell you that I have been attending church regularly for 24 years and still do most Sunday's. I just don't feel as I have before. When my mother died almost 5 years ago I still had faith. This death has changed me and my beliefs. This is my grief and I am not to be judged. This is just where I am at 2 years later. Who knows what my feelings will be next year this time. I have read grief books and have access to all grief resources. I even run a remembering group page for my son. I am just dealing with this in my own way. I am otherwise content. I have a job and a functioning life. I have a husband and son that I love very much and they keep me going. My 8 year old grandson (my late son's son)just recently visited us and he is doing well too. Life goes on but it is not the same. When your child dies a large part of you dies too but you will adjust and change. You'll just have to find out who you will become. It's a daily process and a rollercoaster at times. Some people will expect you to be as you were before your child died because they feel enough time has passed or they just don't want to mention your child because maybe it will upset you. It's crazy, don't they know you think about your lost child almost every minute of the day? Anyway this is me, Jon's mom, 2 years after I wrote "Jon I miss you so much!! Still missing, loving and remembering my Jon...yesterday, today and forever. Jon's Mom

Comments for 2 years later and I am STILL missing my Jon so much!!

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Sep 02, 2014
3 years later and I STILL have a hard time believing my son is gone
by: Jon's Mom

This is Jon's Mom...3 yeas later. I still cannot believe that my son is gone but I do KNOW that he's gone. I have gotten used to his absence from all family and Holiday functions. I guess that's what bereaved parents just have to do. We are still their parents but we have to get used to them not being there. Of course the first months and years are very hard but then as the days and months go on you just get used to that empty chair and the loved one that is supposed to be with you. You really don't have a choice but to move on with life. Your life before your child died is not the life you have once you realize that your child is really gone. It will seem a lot like the old life but your thoughts, your priorities and just everything changes. You have become a different person. Some parents never really get used to this new life but you really have no choice, especially if you have other children. They need you and you need them. I do fear something happening to my husband or my other son and would hope that I am long gone before another tragedy. My son and my husband are my world and the reason I carry on.
Religious wise, I still do not know if there is a heaven so I am still questioning everything. I still attend church but mostly it's a social thing for me.
To the newly bereaved parents; just take one day at a time. You cannot look further than that. It doesn't seem possible at this stage. Let each day come and go and before you know it, time will pass and your life will somehow go on. You will forever love and miss your child but you will find new ways to express your love. Whether you attend a grief group to share your feelings, write in a journal, start a foundation, decorate their resting place, run a remembering page, or do something special for their birthday, etc. Whatever feels right for you is what you will do to get through this life. A new life that we did not ask for but have to live. If you have a Religion then stick with your faith. It will help you. So this is me...Jon's Mom..3 years later..still loving and missing my first born son....JON...

Sep 02, 2014
I lost my Jon too
by: Anonymous

I lost my son, also Jon also in his sleep just two weeks ago. He was 21 just graduated from university. The pain and the hollowness is extreme. Try to go to a crowded place all the time but the pain goes on. My wife cry herself to sleep at times meanwhile I pretend to be the strong one. I try to comfort while I am in so much pain. Jon was and still is the pride of our lives. Good looking and smart and always polite. We feel we have lost a part of us. We turn to our church for comfort only to find every turn remind us of him. We believe that it is God's will to take him back but we find it next to impossible to accept that our child will never be with us again. There is guilt. There is anger. There is denial. On the fateful day spoke to him just 2 hours before we discover him. It is suspected he had a seizure due to over exertion which cause him to buried his face in the pillow and suffocate. When we found him, his face and lips were blue. This image will stay with us for life. The only reason why we are striving on is because we still have a 18 years old daughter Samantha. Two weeks is very short and the wound is still as raw as the first day. In fact we are still in the stage of denial in the long grieving process. I do not know what will happen two years down the road but I need to be strong now for my daughter's sake. We have our pride and joy being ripped out of our lives. Are we angry with God? On and off I am. However I also know God allow this. He knows that I need to go through the process to find peace. Knowing that my son is with God in a better place helps but we are selfish and wants him with us here. The service that we held for him brings friends from primary to university. The testimony we heard about him surprise us that he helped so many. While we are really proud of this revelation, it makes us even more guilty. We feel that we did not know our son enough. So, it has been two weeks, I try to get back to life. My wife is back to work. My daughter back to attending classes at her university. I can only pray that my family will not fall apart long enough for us to find peace. We can only pray and hope that strength will return although we know we will never be over the passing of our son Jon. We love you, Jon, our jewel, our pride and our joy. Rest in the peace of God our Father.

Aug 12, 2013
Erics Mom
by: Anonymous

Dear Jons Mom,I feel your pain.I am going to church,I lost my 27 year old son.I dont feel anything anymore.Only pain for the hell my son went through in his lifetime that he didnt deserve.I dont enjoy music,nothing anything.Everyone goes on with life I feel dead.I try hard,sometimes I think Im having a good day,but it follows me everywhere.People say "you need to get away.Tried that 3 times.It follows you.Children are not supposed to pass before their parents.Im reaching out for every kind of help available.I keep suffocating.I think my spirit died with my son.How can I possibly feel happy ever again?

Aug 06, 2013
I agree
by: Anonymous

I agree wholeheartly with you. No one knows our pain. It has been almost 2 years since I lost my son and everyone thinks I should be "over it" by now. Heaven forbid they ever feel the pain we do with the loss of our child. We are empty inside and nothing will change that.

Aug 03, 2013
My one and only daughter
by: Veronica

I agree with all that you have written but for me I am not only missing my only child but I am dieing inside.
The pain and the darkness is my life.
I saw my daughter's laughter one day and the next day she was no more. I am a good person and so was my daughter, my strong believe in God is no more. How could it be when I saw an elderly being wheeled out of hospital and my daughter didn't make it.
How could you make me suffer so much to make me better or stronger. People say I need to move on, but move on to where, I have nothing to look forward to, it is dark, I need her oh I need her so much.
It is good to know that for some of you sometime has passed since your lost, but for me it is just three weeks. I put my trust and faith in the lord to keep her safe after a simple operation but I feel he either let me down or their was no one listening. If he exists he would of known how much my daughter meant to me and he would of also known what is going to happen to me after she is gone. If she was suffering with an long term illness I would of understand at some point but she was at work the day before, the surgery.
At the moment I just don't know what to say to you ladies.

Jul 30, 2013
I Agree
by: molly

Hi Jon,s mom,
reading your letter makes me feel like I finally have heard from someone else that get's it. Not to say that others on this site are not suffering, we all are but we do it differently and for me your observations are right in line with mine. It has been 2 years since my son Quinn died and I am also tired of people saying stuff about God and how he needed another angel and how he had a plan etc. come on what plan would God need my sweet 16yr old son for or someone's baby??? really...I think to each his own but don't try and console me with these thoughts because they don't make any sense. I don't blame God (if there is one). I fully believe that it was bad luck and my son died because of family history and bad luck. I am devastated and will never feel at ease about it and forever will feel robbed until the day when maybe I get an answer as to why me, however I don't feel that God makes this choice. I feel we are here to live our lives and sometimes bad things happen to good people (this is a book I have also read). Anyway I get what you are saying and appreciate it and honestly I feel that because of it I have become wiser. Knowing that my decisions are based on my actions and no-one else's, we have to live a honest life and be accountable for ourselves and our actions and not rely on God. That is my feeling.

Jul 26, 2013
2 years later
by: molly

HiJon's mom. I read your note and for the first time in a long time I have to say at last someone really gets the way I feel. I mean I have been on this site many times and have been giving a lot of support and have read so many stories of families that have lost the special people in their lives. I like you have lost my son. Unlike you it was my only child and I am a single mom so that part we may not have in common but the religious feelings and the way that you are still feeling is the same as me. It has also been 2 years since I lost my Quinn and yes I am getting up everyday and I am doing the things that I have to do to keep moving (although reluctantly). I however have realized that nothing in this world will ever end this pain and the only way people can understand is if they experience it themselves. I lost my father 14 years ago and although I was devastated it still felt nothing like this. Now I am broken! I feel lost in this world and I feel like an alien, with no purpose and no feelings of life and living. Yes I am alive but not fully. I am empty inside and it really doesn't matter what wonderful thing that may happen in my life I know I will forever feel this feeling of emptiness. I am like you with the religion I have no feeling one way or another about God. I am not angry at him (if there is one). I think my son dying was just bad luck and everyday someone dies it just hurts so much when it is our love. I don't like when people try to justify it. I will never believe that God took my young son to sit by his side or watch over me. Why would I need that I want my son with me, he was young he deserved to live and experience life. I am a good person my son was a good person and son and everything. Why would God take people with so much potential and leave others that don't even want to live behind. I will not believe that. I don't know if their is a God I am just exploring my spirituality because something like that is just too much to take in. Yes people want us to be the same as before and guess what (we do it for them) I am tired of pretending but I don't know what else to do so we just conform, knowing in our hearts that we will never be the same. Anyway I had to let you know that I get what you are saying and you should not feel anyway about saying it, it's your right to express it and I am 100% with you. Be Well

Jul 25, 2013
I understand
by: Anonymous

I lost my daughter, Megan, 1 year and 28 days ago. I understand.

Jul 25, 2013
I get it!
by: Carol, Sean's Mom

When I read this I felt like I wrote it. My son Sean died in his sleep at 24 just over 20 months ago so I am right behind you in this journey of grief. Life as I knew it ended that day and I can't believe my son is gone. I do believe in heaven and spirits but that does not make it better for us here. I surround myself with others who know this pain because a world that use to look so good, I no longer recognize. It is a pain like no other. My Sean was my oldest of three children and my only son. I adored him. I called him my Handsome young man. I know your pain and it is hard to function. Life expects that we should be able to be OK by now. Really? They should try this life. It sucks. Please know that you are not alone . I pray for peace for all the moms who have lost children because I don't know what else to hope for. Life can never be the same when your future was taken away in a moment. Sending you LOVE and Prayers..

Jul 24, 2013
2 years later and I am STILL missing my Jon so much !!
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear Jon's mom, You are not expected to get over the loss of a precious Son. If anyone expects you to they are not living in the real world or haven't lost anyone yet. To lose a child is the worst experience of a moms life. That boy was attached to you in the womb. You gave birth to him and reared him to become the man he was, and to lose him so suddenly will take years to recover from if ever. I worry about this all the time. What if I lose one of my children how will I cope? I lost my precious husband of 44yrs. 14 months ago and this is the worst death I have faced. I have been crushed to the core. I was angry with God for a long time because I expected God to heal his cancer. I questioned God why He heals some people and not other's and yet He is not a respecter of persons.
I think most of us go through a crisis of Faith and find it hard to believe again. Even the biblical characters went through this.
My sister lost her son 7 yrs. ago and was angry with God. She said I know God gave up his Son for us but He got his Son back after 3 days. I won't get my Son back again. This is what hurt and sorrow and the pain of losing a child does to one. I have found God again through my sorrow. But I still get my angry days having to face life alone. You will go on missing your Son FOREVER. I will miss my husband FOREVER. But I hope the pain gets less. Not much fun going through life with just grief and suffering. Life will never be the same for any of us. I along with others are getting weary waiting for Jesus to come back and restore us with our loved one's and destroy death forever so we don't hurt anymore. I wish you some Peace and Comfort in the days ahead that will bring healing to your broken heart.

Jul 23, 2013
Your Jon
by: Linda

Hello Jon's Mom. I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel your sorrow coming through in your words. Much of what you have written explains my feelings exactly. I do not condem anyone for their beliefs. I have to agree though with the poster who said that you are certainly entitled to grieve in any way you choose. I have great difficulty with the concept of Heaven since losing my sister to cancer in 2011. I have all I can do to get through the day from missing her so much. Maybe someday I will find comfort in my faith but right now I feel so raw emotionally. I wish you peace in your life and with the wonderful memories that you have of your son. I am sorry he was not able to spend more time with you. I too have participated in grief counseling, etc. I know though that it is only those of us who carry this pain in our hearts that truly understand each other. I hope in some small way that your posting today has brought you comfort. Thank you for sharing your story.

Jul 23, 2013
we all grief differntly
by: Anonymous

Please what I was trying to say, his to believe and know your son is with you always..

Never telling you how to grief, we all grief differently...

God Bless you, know that our God is with you always!

Life is temporary, honor your son by living in his name..

Jul 23, 2013
Your Jon
by: Kate

My heart goes out to you. I lost my son 8 months ago. I have been through so many emotions with his loss and there is nothing like the devastation it does to loose your child. On here we know. Anger is a part of grief as well as despair and many other emotions. It is normal to question everything. Nothing makes sense when death strikes so close. I wonder how I go on. I hate death! We can only express ourselves and keep struggling . Whatever you feel is a way of groping through this tragic loss. It is harder than anyone knows except us who endure it.

Jul 22, 2013
Sorry for your lost
by: Anonymous

Oh please have faith and know that their is a God who loves you and knows how much your hurting.. My dsughter Michelle also past in her sleep I was and still is shock.. I miss Michelle so much my heart is broken and my tears will always fall until I see my daughter again.. But I know she's with always everywhere I go and that God has a purpose for all of us. God knows when we are born and we depart to his kingdom.. See yourself in the Mirror what miracle how we are made, amazing right! So you have believe that there's a heaven when our soul leaves are body... Your son loves you and what's you to honor him by living and know that there is a God who loves all of us.. Who needed are children to do is work. Remember we are here for a short while on this earth , temporary .. So live your life for you and your wonderful son who loves you and still is with you always and forever...Please believe in our God, bless you.. If you want to email me that be fine.. Picturesque_media@yahoo.com

Jul 22, 2013
It's your grief
by: J

People tell me everyday to get over it and move on but your grief is your grief, I just wanted to encourage you to grieve in your own way and your own pace and I'm sorry for your loss. I think of my loss everyday and will for the rest of my life and that's just how it is.. don't let anyone tell you how so grieve.

Jul 22, 2013
book for comfort!
by: Anonymous

Check out this book to help comfort you through your loss. www.babyhaleysworld.com

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