2 years later and I am STILL missing my Jon so much!!
by Jon's Mom
I am 2 years into the loss of my son Jon. He died in his sleep at the age of 26. I still cannot comprehend that my son is gone. I have changed both mentally and physically. I am no longer religious. I do not hate god I just do not know if one really exits. For 26 years (when my son was alive) I have known his whereabouts. I know for sure where I left him in the cemetery but now I am supposed to believe he is in heaven somewhere. This is supposed to make me feel better. People say, he is watching over you. Why would I want my son to watch us still grieve, or be happy and live life without him?? I have read posts of other "Angel Moms" (as we're called now) that my daughter is hanging out with your daughter etc., etc.. Are they serious? Heaven is a wonderful thought and I hope there is one, but believing in it will not make me feel better. Why would I be happy my son is in heaven when no one knows if it really exits!! I do not blame the death of my son on anyone, including god. The death of your child will either turn you to religion, away from religion or just completely question everything which is where I am at. I have to tell you that I have been attending church regularly for 24 years and still do most Sunday's. I just don't feel as I have before. When my mother died almost 5 years ago I still had faith. This death has changed me and my beliefs. This is my grief and I am not to be judged. This is just where I am at 2 years later. Who knows what my feelings will be next year this time. I have read grief books and have access to all grief resources. I even run a remembering group page for my son. I am just dealing with this in my own way. I am otherwise content. I have a job and a functioning life. I have a husband and son that I love very much and they keep me going. My 8 year old grandson (my late son's son)just recently visited us and he is doing well too. Life goes on but it is not the same. When your child dies a large part of you dies too but you will adjust and change. You'll just have to find out who you will become. It's a daily process and a rollercoaster at times. Some people will expect you to be as you were before your child died because they feel enough time has passed or they just don't want to mention your child because maybe it will upset you. It's crazy, don't they know you think about your lost child almost every minute of the day? Anyway this is me, Jon's mom, 2 years after I wrote "Jon I miss you so much!! Still missing, loving and remembering my Jon...yesterday, today and forever. Jon's Mom