2 Years Later...

by Brittany
(Tucson, AZ, USA)

I'm 19 years old, and I lost my mother two years ago April 11th. (04/11/2012) It's an especially hard week... and I honestly feel like people are tired of hearing it. On the 12th of April, the day after she was found, I got a knock on the door at 12:30 in the morning. It was my aunt... her first words to me were, "What is going on? I just got a call saying your mom was in a morgue." I just stood there... I didn't have a phone, and had been waiting for countless hours for my mother and father to get home. I had never been so confused. After she realized I didn't know what she was talking about, she told me to get my stuff and go to my Grandpa's. No one knew what was happening. I got my Grandpa's, and shortly after my mothers twin came through the door with my cousins. I had never been so glad in my entire life that my mom was a fraternal twin. 20 minutes later, we got word that my mother was still where she was found dead, in her best friends bed. She died from the multiple toxicity of drugs and have a seizure in her sleep. Very suddenly... It was not suicide... I was asked multiple times at her funeral if she had committed suicide. I had never been so confused. But now, two years later, I still find myself talking as if she had never left... and picking up the phone to call her... I don't feel like I've gotten to a point where I can accept it, and I don't know what to do. My dad, my step-dad actually, is taking counseling, and I feel like he is so much farther along in the process that I don't want to hold him back with my grief... but then I find myself crying and listening to depressing music at 1 o'clock in the morning. I lost her too soon, and I just want her back.

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Apr 11, 2014
2 Years Later.....
by: Doreen UK

Michelle don't be so hard on yourself. We are all qualified to give advice because of what we have been through. Even if you struggle to get out of bed, and can't get through your day. It is just for that day. Tomorrow is another day and you may feel stronger. None of us knows what to expect from one day to the next. Keep posting however you feel to do this. We need you on this site. Needy or not. Grief assaults us and we are prone to look inward for failings. Start by doing something exceptionally good for yourself each day every day and build on this till it becomes A WAY OF LIFE. This is just one positive way to pick yourself up when you fall down and to find healing from honouring yourself. Even if it be buying a bunch of flowers and putting them in a vase and admiring them. Saying "THIS IS JUST FOR ME". Don't stop to think if you are worthy of it. JUST DO IT. BECAUSE YOU DESERVE IT. Make a special meal for yourself. Go out for a coffee with friends or family member's. You will soon find ways to pamper yourself back from the sorrow you face. LOVE YOURSELF BACK INTO LIFE. God be with you and Bless you.

Apr 11, 2014
2 years later. .
by: Sob

Dear Brittany,

I am so sorry for your loss. Like you, I too lost my mother almost two years ago. 11th April 2012 marked her last day in her house. She left for the hospital never to come back again. She passed away three months later on 11th July 2012, one week after my 24th birthday. I still can't believe that she won't walk back inside like she always used to. I still can't believe I can't hear her voice again, I can't hug her again, I can't speak to her again, I just can't believe that she is gone now. I was so depressed today that I could not even go to work. Sometimes even getting up from bed seems like an impossible task to do.

I know what you must be going through. Losing a mother is the worst that could happen to any one. Nothing can fill the gap left behind her. Nothing can ever be the same.

I know you are still very young. You will miss her immensely. But she will always remain in your heart, no matter what happens. Take one day at a time. Coping with the death of a loved one takes long. But that doesn't mean that you can't cope. You can and you will. Live your life the way your mum would have wanted you to live. Counselling would help too. One has to find a reason to live and make life more meaningful than it seems right now. This feeling wont remain for ever. You will find happiness in ways that you could not have imagined.

I wish I could hug you. Lots of love and prayers for you. Take care.

Apr 09, 2014
Your mom
by: Michelle

Brittany, how sorry I am for the loss of your mother. You are so young and cannot imagine the pain and terror you are still going through. I lost my mother last year, April 26th at the age of 78, just 3 and a half months after I lost my 22 year old daughter Megan. I know in my heart my mother died of a broken heart and cannot figure out why I have not. It matters not what other think, there is no time table. In two years I will still be sitting at ground zero as the loss of my daughter has disassembled and rearranged who I am to the point I no longer know who I am. Sometime I wonder why I respond as I feel I do more harm than good. Who am I to try to give advice when I can not even get out of my own way. My motherly instincts wants to reach out and help. And it's now 3am in the morning. Hugs

Apr 08, 2014
by: Cindy

Brittany, I am so very sorry that you lost your mother and are in such pain. I live in Vail, AZ and 7 months ago I lost my 17 year old son to a sudden and very brief illness. I am lost without him. I know the sadness and loss you describe. Sweetie, you have so much more life to live and I am sure your mother would want you to move forward and to find what makes you happy. Please think about going to a counselor that you can connect with. I do believe that talking about your mother and your pain with someone who can listen and understand will help you. I am sure your mother would want you to heal. Please take the steps you need to move forward. I wish you the very best.

Apr 08, 2014
2 years Later....
by: Doreen UK

Brittany I am so sorry for your loss of your mother to a sudden death. Often such a sudden shock can make you feel so numb for a long time and unable to process the loss. I am glad your step father is getting counselling as it is common in cases of sudden death and suicide being two of the most difficult deaths to process and recover from. You are so young and will feel this loss of a mother too soon. You may even feel angry for some time. But this doesn't last. Every time you see your mother's twin you will be reminded all the time that your mom is not coming back into your world and you will miss her terribly. It is coming up to 2yrs. when I lost my husband to a deadly cancer and I still can't believe he is not coming back. I nursed him for over 3yrs. from a deadly cancer, and knowing it was terminal I was so busy with caring for him that I didn't process losing him. I was thinking that He would be healed of his cancer. I have been numb for a long time. Healing from grief is such a slow process. It feels as if it will last forever.
The best way forward is taking one day at a time and FOCUSING on building yourself up. One way is by doing lovely things for yourself each day and building on this every day till it becomes a way of life. This is a good foundation to healing from grief. Next thing is to listen to uplifting music. Not music that will leave you more depressed. You will find many opportunities for making your life better and more meaningful. You could also benefit from counselling. I did counselling many years before my husband died and I resolved a lot of my losses and so was able to be more positive in my outlook along with my belief in God and the afterlife when I will see my husband again. You are far too young to not care about your life and making it better. Perhaps this will become easier with counselling. Often one becomes stuck in grief and find it impossible to help ourselves. Life will start to get better for you as you put new thoughts and feelings into your life. Your friends don't know how to help you so may avoid you, but when you change they will change also.

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