2 years on and feels like new again :(

She was more than a sister, she was one of my best friends.
She's always been there for me, as I had for her. I had major surgery and she was there to drive me to a friends 40th a week later. The following week she was heading out on a country ride - if it hadn't been for my surgery I would have been with her...

Instead, I got a phone call from my mum. My sister was dead. Dropped to the floor crying. No warning, was too sudden. I was useless for the rest of the day, didn't sleep at all. The next morning I left at five to drive up to where they lived, got there about 9, still feeling absolutely nothing.

Spent the next few days operating on autopilot - by day 5 when I passed out, realised I hadn't eaten anything. Together with her best friend, we organised her service. I couldn't say a thing, tho I wanted to. The idea of saying goodbye made me fall apart.

Ended up staying up there for most of the next month, looking after both my parents, and helping with my nieces. Turns out I didn't really deal with anything myself, was so busy helping everyone else. About 7 months later I completely fell apart - was lucky i worked where I did. Took 2 weeks to try and sort things out myself, and went back to counselling.
When he asked if I'd accepted my sister and friend was gone, I realised I really hadn't. So I wrote her a long letter to say how much I loved her, missed her, and that I had to let her go.
At that point, I somehow accepted she was gone, and started to move on. I miss her all the time, but letting go helped.

Until now... all of a sudden it feels like this all happened just yesterday again. I cried the entire drive up for mums 70th, but managed to calm down for her lunch. In two weeks it would have been her birthday - she never quite made it to 40. It just seems so fresh again, like it was yesterday. I've had my moments over the last couple of years, but nothing quite like this...

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May 20, 2014
2 years on and feels like new again :(
by: Doreen UK

None of us knows if we are dealing with grief. We could go into shock, disbelief, numbness, and think we are dealing with grief? Who knows how we should react? There are no set rules for dealing with grief or if any of us will be done with grief. Just when we think we are coping we can be knocked down again by some memory triggered off by something our loved one liked, or said. Type of food, film, photo etc. Losing a loved one is the worst part of living. It takes a lot of recovery when our world is turned upside down. Knowing our loved one is never coming back. We share a history with the one's we lost and there is nothing that can stop the hurt but TIME to heal each day. Crying is the best type of grief because it washes out our pain till the next time. WE don't even have to think of anything. It is just there like a tape unwinding.
It has been 2yrs. also for me having lost my husband to cancer and I feel worse as the LONELINESS and EMPTINESS set in more. We can only keep busy so much. Then we are on our own. I guess we just have to soldier on. Hoping each day will feel better. I hope God will wrap his arms around ALL OF US and hold us till we can find our feet again in life.

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