2 years on and feels like new again :(
She was more than a sister, she was one of my best friends.
She's always been there for me, as I had for her. I had major surgery and she was there to drive me to a friends 40th a week later. The following week she was heading out on a country ride - if it hadn't been for my surgery I would have been with her...
Instead, I got a phone call from my mum. My sister was dead. Dropped to the floor crying. No warning, was too sudden. I was useless for the rest of the day, didn't sleep at all. The next morning I left at five to drive up to where they lived, got there about 9, still feeling absolutely nothing.
Spent the next few days operating on autopilot - by day 5 when I passed out, realised I hadn't eaten anything. Together with her best friend, we organised her service. I couldn't say a thing, tho I wanted to. The idea of saying goodbye made me fall apart.
Ended up staying up there for most of the next month, looking after both my parents, and helping with my nieces. Turns out I didn't really deal with anything myself, was so busy helping everyone else. About 7 months later I completely fell apart - was lucky i worked where I did. Took 2 weeks to try and sort things out myself, and went back to counselling.
When he asked if I'd accepted my sister and friend was gone, I realised I really hadn't. So I wrote her a long letter to say how much I loved her, missed her, and that I had to let her go.
At that point, I somehow accepted she was gone, and started to move on. I miss her all the time, but letting go helped.
Until now... all of a sudden it feels like this all happened just yesterday again. I cried the entire drive up for mums 70th, but managed to calm down for her lunch. In two weeks it would have been her birthday - she never quite made it to 40. It just seems so fresh again, like it was yesterday. I've had my moments over the last couple of years, but nothing quite like this...