2 years on and I still can't understand it
My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. Me and my younger brother went to live with my Mum and stayed with my Dad at the weekends and during school holidays. I didn't have the best relationship with my Dad. I started growing up and we just never understood each other. I hated going over there and just wanted to stay with my Mum.
As I got into my teenage years this changed and I gradually started getting closer to him. I should mention that I was a lot closer to my step-dad who moved in with us when I was 10/11. As I reached my twenties I actively tried to get a closer relationship with my Dad, doing activities he liked, meeting up with him. I was pleased with how this was going and was looking forward to my relationship with him.
He was diagnosed with cancer when I was 21, but we all knew he could fight it off, he was extremely fit and healthy. He fought it off many times but it kept coming back. He died when I was 22. I stayed in the hospital with him (with a few other relatives) sleeping on chairs for 10 days. It took him 10 days to die without food and water!
Whoever says you die after 3 days of no water is an idiot. It was horrible to watch, he was so strong and I saw him wither away. Fast forward 2.5 years and I am now approaching 25. I still don't feel like I have grieved. We had him cremated and scattered his ashes into the ocean. I sometimes wonder if we should have placed his ashes with a gravestone so I could have somewhere to grieve.
I still feel terribly guilty about my years of not liking him and I don't feel as though I have let it all out, it doesn't feel like he has gone. I have had counselling I know that there is no normal when it comes to grief, but I feel that it is not normal to still feel like this after 2.5 years? I really wish he was here, there is so much I want to talk to him about and I would love to have one more hug.