2 years on and I still can't understand it

My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. Me and my younger brother went to live with my Mum and stayed with my Dad at the weekends and during school holidays. I didn't have the best relationship with my Dad. I started growing up and we just never understood each other. I hated going over there and just wanted to stay with my Mum.

As I got into my teenage years this changed and I gradually started getting closer to him. I should mention that I was a lot closer to my step-dad who moved in with us when I was 10/11. As I reached my twenties I actively tried to get a closer relationship with my Dad, doing activities he liked, meeting up with him. I was pleased with how this was going and was looking forward to my relationship with him.

He was diagnosed with cancer when I was 21, but we all knew he could fight it off, he was extremely fit and healthy. He fought it off many times but it kept coming back. He died when I was 22. I stayed in the hospital with him (with a few other relatives) sleeping on chairs for 10 days. It took him 10 days to die without food and water!

Whoever says you die after 3 days of no water is an idiot. It was horrible to watch, he was so strong and I saw him wither away. Fast forward 2.5 years and I am now approaching 25. I still don't feel like I have grieved. We had him cremated and scattered his ashes into the ocean. I sometimes wonder if we should have placed his ashes with a gravestone so I could have somewhere to grieve.

I still feel terribly guilty about my years of not liking him and I don't feel as though I have let it all out, it doesn't feel like he has gone. I have had counselling I know that there is no normal when it comes to grief, but I feel that it is not normal to still feel like this after 2.5 years? I really wish he was here, there is so much I want to talk to him about and I would love to have one more hug.

Comments for 2 years on and I still can't understand it

Click here to add your own comments

Nov 12, 2010
2 weeks
by: Ashleigh

I understand it all! My dad and I never had much of a relationship, my parents divorced when I was young, and my dad like yours Crystal was very troubled...he was a successful doctor but was an alcoholic and started with his prescription meds, and had a bad heart and didn't take care of his body...it wasn't until I was almost 28 that I started to send him letters that I loved him and to please get help because I needed him and he needed me and we could get through this together. It's like I kept saying you're not going to live much longer living like this, he'd just say relax ash, relax i'm fine

Well on October 27, 2010 his body couldn't take it any longer. I'm told he had a heart attack in his sleep and died peacefully, which I really hope is the truth. But I feel guilty because a couple days before I had had a fight with my boyfriend and called my dad looking for support, even tho he didn't usually give it to me, i never stopped looking for it...so i called him crying and he got all worked up and said he was lost (driving somewhere) and didn't care...so i hung up on him then he called back twice and i didn't answer, erased his messages, and said whatever i'm tired of it...then two days later i was told he died...and i can't believe it, and it sucks that any of us have to go through this.

I'm praying for you all and for me too, and I really hope there is something after this. I'm just so confused and lost and sad. Thanks for posting, it's nice to be able to vent to people who understand.
God Bless!

Nov 06, 2010
by: Jared

I pray the peace God offers through Jesus Christ rests on you today and in the future!!

Oct 17, 2010
10 years and I still wonder...
by: Crystal

I read your touching story and thought about the death of my own father, who died just before I turned 16. I am 26 now and I have to deal with it finally.

When he first died, he lived in California USA and I lived in Nebraska USA. The phone rang. It was my aunt, saying Dad was gone. I sobbed and sobbed but the next day, I numbed myself. I buried these feelings and went on until my Grandma's death forced me to deal with it. I had stayed out of touch with Dad's side of the family, making excuses in my mind, which I now realize. Dad was sick. He hurt me so many times.

He was mentally ill but not like the guy you see on the street corner, drunken and unshaven. He started abusing his meds. He was a recovering alcoholic who slipped. Having always had a love to help people and wanting to become a psychiatrist, I was sad for him. I feel guilty still for leaving him. But I know he loved me. It hurts. It hurts bad. In years, it will still come back to you every now and then, regrets and all that.You know, there was even a time after the divorce that Dad didn't want anything to do with me. It hurt but no I realize he couldn't deal with the pain and that he was trying to fix himself and was ashamed.

No matter the story between you and your father, know that he loved you. Because he did. My dad refused to talk to me when I was just a little girl but I knew he loved me. We talked again later, and Dad explained he just felt like a horrible father. He was cremated and his ashes were spread in the ocean in Fort Bragg, California USA. He loved Fort Bragg, next to the ocean, where there was peace for him and no pain. I only wish I had been there to say goodbye. I got the picture and certificate of his ashes being scattered. I will go there and pay my respects, finally, after ten years. He died March 7, 2000. And finally I will say goodbye. Now that he is gone from THIS life, I know that he loved me and that, even with his problems, he was a hurting man. My guilt has started to dissolve. It will for you too.

For a long time, I blamed myself for not being a loving enough daughter to a pained man. But now I know he is at peace. As is your father. He loves you and is proud. The ocean is the best place to visit his spirit and say what you feel. When and if you are ready, I recommend you try it. I am going to do it on Wednesday, even after ten years. Telling him all my regrets and all that.

It will get better, believe me. I thought I would never feel better. Even five years later. I just didn't deal with it. I isolated myself from the family and blocked it out. Feeling the pain is better than waiting for it to show up when another loved one dies. I know that there is something afterwards, whether my dad is now someone's child or living in Heaven. But prayer to a higher power has always brought me comfort. There are too many mysteries in life not to think that there is no one listening. Someone is always listening.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Dads.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!