2 years on. Will it ever get better?
Left my wife (we had been together for ten years) about a year and a half ago after I found out she'd been cheating on me.
I have good days and bad days. This weekend has been the worst for quite some time. I guess it's because a girl I'd been seeing for the last six months went back home (abroad) after her studies had finished.
I shouldn't be surprised at this, as I knew at the time that it was too soon to get involved with somebody else and that seeing her was just a distraction from the pain of my divorce. Now she's gone and I have to pick up where I left off in trying to cope with this thing.
The other problem I have is that I'm stuck living with my parents which is irritating, depressing and humiliating in equal measure. I'm probably stuck living with them for at least another year while I pay off my debts from the divorce and build up some savings.
I'm just tired of feeling this way, really. I can just about cope with my day to day life, but I just don't take any pleasure out of anything I do. It all just seems so pointless and monotonous. I just go through the motions in the day, then rattle around my room at night until it gets so late, I have to force myself to go to bed.
I would say that I don't miss my wife as she is now. In fact she puts me in mind of a devil in a human suit. But I miss who she was/or who I thought she was. She cheated herself really, as I was a good husband.
The worst thing for me is that I'll never have the answers as to why she did this. How can you have no real reason for it? How could somebody who I never thought capable of those actions do this to the person she claimed she loved?
I have a lot of memories of happy, fun and loving times during our ten years together, which people tell me to be grateful for. But the fact we were so happy in my mind and she still cheated means that either she was hiding her true feelings from me for all these years, meaning I'm not remembering reality, or, if my ex can just consign our marriage to the trash after ten years, what worth can these happy times hold?
Every day I have to fight the urge to not contact her and scream at her/beg for her to come back/tell her to go to **ll/ask for reasons why she did what she did.