20 year old and now I'm going to be a single mum

by Mya
(Melbourne)

Hi,

When I was 17 I met a 27 year old man who swept me off my feet. He adored me. He loved me so much and made me feel incredibly special. I was on the pill however 6 months in I fell pregnant. When I told him he was delighted and rang everyone to let them know. We had already arranged to move in together so having the baby just made those plans more solid. We spent a happy first year living together however after our daughter was born things begun to deteriorate. He became abusive both physically and verbally however I love him so I put up with it (he also has a drinking problem). To this day we have been together for three years and our daughter is now 2. However the last year he has become colder and more distant. Just now he has broken up with me and I can tell he means it. I am now going to be a single 20 year old mum :( it breaks my heart. He has been so abusive but still I love him. I don't understand that, shouldn't I hate him? I think of him marrying someone one day or having a new family and it breaks me completely. I am financially dependent on him and going to uni here in Melbourne so I have no idea what to do. I can't move home because I have studying to do but can't stay as I have no support here. I'm so lost :(

Comments for 20 year old and now I'm going to be a single mum

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Mar 21, 2012
Seek Help
by: Helen -Australia

Hi when you are really ready to leave seek help and it will be there for you. Here in Australia, you can go to a women's shelter, and he won't be able to touch you. You could also go to social service and they may even find you a new residence. Dont forget you can get a single person's centre link payment as well as rent relief.
Tell social Services how abusive he is to you and if he is also abusive to your child then they will definitely help you, may even get you a house/flat quickly. Anglicare are a very good agency when seeking advice.
As you are at University, you could talk to one of their councellors. You may need to take a semester off of University to sort yourself out. Studying whilst you are under stress won't be good for your health or your child's.
Life may look pretty grim for you at the moment, however when you are ready there are options out there for you if you are willing to talk to agencies about your family problems

Mar 21, 2012
I'm dealing with the same thing too.
by: Anonymous

I feel for you. I'm so sorry that you have to let go of all of this. It's a lot to wrap your head around. I too am leaving a relationship that was very sexually abusive and verbally abusive. I guess I'm sort of at the same point you are. I am totally financially dependant on him and we have 2 very young and beautiful children who love us both. I am 28 and we had dated almost 3 years and were married 4 and half. So My entire adult life has been with him. I don't know how I'm going to go on and make it work. How do I take care of my kids? How do I make a living and still be a mother and not go crazy. How do I keep him away because I still love him and we still randomly are sleeping together. I had a good chat with myself yesterday and finally was totally honest with myself. I don't want to sleep with him it just makes me cry and sick inside afterwards but I just don't want to deal with the emotional aftermath of telling him no and having him rape me. So I consent so as to not have it be as bad. I know it sounds crazy but I don't know how to make it stop. He's so forceful. It's a hard time in our lives and our childrens lives. But keep going and don't turn to drugs or alcohol to help you cuz it won't. I like what the other lady said about giving yourself to God. My faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the only thing keeping me going here and the main reason I knew I had to leave. Good luck honey and I know that somewhere on the other end of this awful emotional journey that we're both on that they'll be a light somewhere. Stay strong and dont' give up.

Mar 19, 2012
Stay away
by: Nancy

For the sake of your daughter, stay away. I am sorry that you are in the position, you are in but for the sake of your daughter stay away. At the age of twenty one, my husband, a man I loved, and still love, 35 years later. tried to kill me after a drunken binge. I had dated him since the age of 17 and married him at 21. I loved him more than life. I never chose to divorce him - even after he tried to kill me. He gave me a fractured skull. At the tender age of twenty one I had to learn how to walk and talk all over again. The one good thing, if there is one, is that I did not have any children. A police officer, who was sick and tired of coming to our house every single weekend finely drilled it into my head that enough was enough. He took his holiday time, and drove me from Toronto, Ontario, to Vancouver, BC and told me that if ever he saw me in Toronto again he was arrest me.....I don't think he could...but he wanted to drill the message home. My ex- finally moved on, and married someone else. I have never remarried, still till this day I have to bear the scars that man instilled on me. I have to take seizure medication - that I never had to take before. If he can verbally, emotionally, abuse you, he will eventually physically abuse you, if he has not already done so. You and your little one, deserves so much more. Turn to the God of your understanding - He has better plans for you. Your little one does not need to witness any form of abuse, and neither do you. Find support in the community you live in. There are a number of agencies, churches etc that will be there for you - use this site as a form of release...there are a number of us - who have been there that can listen and support you. You deserve much more ...reach out and grab it...all my best...

Mar 18, 2012
God will make a way
by: Anonymous

Hello Friend,
I have been where you are, so please hear me. It was not unusual for me to be black and blue from beatings. I understand. When I think back to that time in my life, I wonder where my mind was. It is the life of a co-dependent person. I became a member of Alaon--the family part of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). Because I stayed in the relationship, it hurt not only me but my children as well. Yet my life continued on a downhill journey. At the bottom is where I met Jesus. He picked me up, placed me in a new family with new friends. I fell in love with the One who loved me long before I knew Him. From that day forth, I started attending a wonderful Spirit filled church. My life began to change and I had a support family and church, who helped me. It is 22 years later so if I could say anything to you it would be give your life to Jesus and start living by what His word says. Jesus loves you my friend. He has plans for you and He will make a way where there seems to be no way. That will require trusting Him with your life and the life of your sweet daughter. What you were experiencing is not love. You experienced abuse as a "victim". Until you break away, you will continue to be a slave. By the way, your x boyfriend will not have a "normal" family until he deals with his addiction problem. All he will do is create more and more situations like the one you are in. My friend, take a step and ask Jesus in your heart--He's reaching out His hand to you right at this moment while you are reading this message. I am only an ambassador for Him.

You and your daughter will be in my prayers. Please take the time to consider what I've written. May God's presence surround you and may His love fall upon you like a blanket.
Sweetest blessings,
Catherine

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