20 years, and now I'm lost...

We were married for 20yrs and have three beautiful children. It’s almost 2 years since we’ve separated. She was all I’ve ever wanted. When I met her till the day we split I was never thought I deserved such a beautiful woman. She was (and still is) highly desired by men, but she was so down to earth and didn’t ever use that to threaten me. She was high school homecoming queen, and believe me every guy desired her, but when we married (she was 22) she was a virgin. I know all her friends and guys she dated and they all confirmed. So I have no reason to doubt. She was a very good faithful wife, and excellent mother. I made a very good living, and our family was comfortable. I shopped and cooked dinner often while she shuttled the children. I would make special dinner, and bring flowers home spontaneously. I planned trips, and get always.
When we began having problems around year 13, I agreed to go to individual counseling because she thought I had low self esteem (I did/do). I read mountains of books. I wanted to be what she wanted/needed. After a few years we started couples counseling. We tried several different, but the underlying theme was that I was the problem. Funny thing is that I ( and still do) believe it. To be fair, I did have my issues. I would shutdown because I would feel so inadequate, and then she would misinterpret. Even though I told her it had nothing to do with her. I would get short with her at times too. She claimed emotional abuse before we split. I was devastated. I would NEVER abuse her. She was my everything, but obviously I did not communicate that well enough, although she said when we split that she knew I loved her deeply.
During the 07 economic turn down, we were building our dream house, things came tumbling down and I pretty much lost everything. I tried to insulate her and the family and didn’t tell her the stupid things (gambles) I was taking. That was the end basically.
For a year I went through the most pain I’ve ever experienced. The loss of my dream girl, and the guilt of what I did financially. I wrote so many emails pouring my heart and feelings to her, but she never responded. That hurt. So, sadly I’ve taken all that hurt and turned it to anger. I’ve been so mean and hurtful to her. I wanted her to hurt as much as I she made me hurt. I still can’t stand to see her or speak to her because it hurts so much. Not because I dislike her, but because I am still so attracted, and jealous of her...It hurts that she had never once wanted to talk to me about us after we split. 20 years!
Now after 2 years I find out that she is away with a boyfriend for the weekend. It kills me. I’m devastated. I knew she would have no problem moving on, with her drop dead good looks, and sparkling personality. It just magnifies my shortcomings. I know for a fact I’ll never find another to replace her. I’m feeling so lonely and unattractive. I can’t get out of my mind the picture of her and another man enjoying the weekend, sleeping together, etc. It’s unbearable.

Comments for 20 years, and now I'm lost...

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Jan 15, 2012
take each day as it comes
by: Anonymous

There is no easy way or shortcut to overcome the emotional hurt when a relationship ends. When I split with my ex, I imagined all sorts of things about him being with someone else but who knows what the reality is? Probably nothing like what you think. But...time has a way of slowly healing things. 20years is a long time and of course you can't get over it in two shakes, just give yourself time to reflect. Later on you may view things differently and who knows, people sometimes get back together, just because she has a boyfriend doesn't mean she will stay with him. Just look after yourself and take each day as it comes.

Nov 13, 2011
20 years and lost
by: Pat J

Please don't be so hard on yourself and take all the blame for the end of your relationship. Marriages are not made in heaven and they take hard work. Marriage is between two people, each doing their pat to make it work.
You sound like you were a wonderful husband. I feel it is her loss. Maybe in time she may come to realize this, but most likely not.
You need to live for yourself. do things for yourself that make you feel good about yourself.
If possible go talk to a counselor again-for you.
Get that self esteem back for yourself.
God Bless you and hang in there. You may be surprised what life has in store for you.
I lost my husband of 46 years in June to a massive heart attack. Because of his death, I joined a support group through our church and I have met three other widows. We all lost our husbands through a 4 month time. We are doing things together; actually laughing again; but we have our share of tears also. Life goes on for all of us.

Nov 12, 2011
Marriage has its ups and downs.
by: Anonymous

Hon, You NEED JESUS! Plain and simple and so does she. A Marriage is supposed to be for life better or worse till death do You part in sickness and in Health. Through the thick and thin. And You need to forgive her and make things right If Love her Fight for Your Marriage! I did once and God answered! Ill pray for the both of You! I married too we was married 7 Blessed years till he passed on 22months ago I still miss him like crazy anyhow I hope that You and your Wife make peace and get back together tell her your true feelings not in anger tho in Love. Love is a choice not a feeling and Keep true to her! Good Luck. God Bless!AH

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