21 days to go = 1 year

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

I can't believe in 21 days it will be a year. Ironic because on June 21th you left me. "21"? The location, the state and now the job has changed. Life as I knew it stopped, June 21st, 2010 in Hampton, AR. Our home, so many plans and things we were going to do. I finally had you just for me. 1 year in Arkansas and you are gone.
Sometimes I feel like I talk until I'm blue in the face. I'm still talking in the present and past. Remembering and now memories crowding around, fighting in my mind to show me everything. Left field, right field, its coming from every direction.
Can a person really go crazy from grief?
The journey we take, the pain we endure, why? Because my soul has been ripped apart, from 2 who were 1 to half a soul and my hearts misses him so much. The logical side said "there in a better place" "no more pain" "it was time" so we say to the world "We know, We understand" "I'm doing better" but in my heart its tears, sorrow and pain no one can understand.
Each of us are different ~ like no 2 snowflakes are the same. The dimensions of love and lost cannot be compared. We each hold that special moment, the key to the door of our lives ~ not mine, not his but Our" lives. Now the lock has changed and I can no longer open "Our" door. I've screamed, pounded and cried at that door but it will not open.
I finding there are moments, when I don't move, close my eyes and trick my heart into believing he's still here, next to me. But then I reach for him and it's like reaching for the sky.
Something I can't touch.
I'm tired, so very tired. The apartment, friends and work are just a side job ~ my main job was always Billy. So much I did but "THAT WAS MY JOB", I wanted to, I loved him and now I miss him so much.
As I said the last time I was here, I was feeling like a broken record. Saying the same things, doing the same things but what it amounts to is "the lost" my best friend, someone who always saw the best in me and he believed in me. He saw more in me then I did.
It hurts to unbearable pain. Beaten, battered and bruised my heart feels like its dieing. I don't like this other life. Were suppose to "Learn" to live this new life without them. Oh ~ not new but "Different" life. Well "IT SUCKS".
Sorry, still having a little anger issue. I'm thinking I'm always going to be angry. I'm mad because I'm here alone. Nothing more, nothing less. Billy, thank goodness is no longer in pain, God needed another angel. Its was his time to walk with no pain and be with his mother and god. I just hard.
I wish I could have gone with him. But no ~ sorry, my number is not up. So I will hold my ticket and wait until my number is called. Always waiting
Always
1 step, 1 breath at a time