21 days to go = 1 year

by Patricia
(Las Vegas)

2009 ~ I smile I miss

2009 ~ I smile I miss

I can't believe in 21 days it will be a year. Ironic because on June 21th you left me. "21"? The location, the state and now the job has changed. Life as I knew it stopped, June 21st, 2010 in Hampton, AR. Our home, so many plans and things we were going to do. I finally had you just for me. 1 year in Arkansas and you are gone.
Sometimes I feel like I talk until I'm blue in the face. I'm still talking in the present and past. Remembering and now memories crowding around, fighting in my mind to show me everything. Left field, right field, its coming from every direction.
Can a person really go crazy from grief?
The journey we take, the pain we endure, why? Because my soul has been ripped apart, from 2 who were 1 to half a soul and my hearts misses him so much. The logical side said "there in a better place" "no more pain" "it was time" so we say to the world "We know, We understand" "I'm doing better" but in my heart its tears, sorrow and pain no one can understand.
Each of us are different ~ like no 2 snowflakes are the same. The dimensions of love and lost cannot be compared. We each hold that special moment, the key to the door of our lives ~ not mine, not his but Our" lives. Now the lock has changed and I can no longer open "Our" door. I've screamed, pounded and cried at that door but it will not open.
I finding there are moments, when I don't move, close my eyes and trick my heart into believing he's still here, next to me. But then I reach for him and it's like reaching for the sky.
Something I can't touch.
I'm tired, so very tired. The apartment, friends and work are just a side job ~ my main job was always Billy. So much I did but "THAT WAS MY JOB", I wanted to, I loved him and now I miss him so much.
As I said the last time I was here, I was feeling like a broken record. Saying the same things, doing the same things but what it amounts to is "the lost" my best friend, someone who always saw the best in me and he believed in me. He saw more in me then I did.
It hurts to unbearable pain. Beaten, battered and bruised my heart feels like its dieing. I don't like this other life. Were suppose to "Learn" to live this new life without them. Oh ~ not new but "Different" life. Well "IT SUCKS".
Sorry, still having a little anger issue. I'm thinking I'm always going to be angry. I'm mad because I'm here alone. Nothing more, nothing less. Billy, thank goodness is no longer in pain, God needed another angel. Its was his time to walk with no pain and be with his mother and god. I just hard.
I wish I could have gone with him. But no ~ sorry, my number is not up. So I will hold my ticket and wait until my number is called. Always waiting
1 step, 1 breath at a time

Comments for 21 days to go = 1 year

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Jun 01, 2011
Recovery? Really?
by: TrishJ

You are so right. It sucks!! That's my expression for this grief thing. It totally sucks!
I can't tell you how many grief books and printed materials I have read that all contain the word recovery in their title. Do we ever truly recover? If you look up the word recovery you will see it clearly states things like; to get back, to regain, to return to a normal state. Are we pushing ourselves too hard to RECOVER? It's not an illness like the flu that we suffer with for anywhere from 3-10 days then eventually find your way back to your former self. That just isn't going to happen..ever. Never! It's more like a chronic condition like diabetes. Yes it's something we can live with but if we don't take care of ourselves we aren't going to survive very long.
It's like living in a foreign country where nobody speaks our language. Everything around us is different. Every day and every new situation is a struggle filled with stress and loneliness as we struggle to "fit in." We can learn the language and eventually try to blend in with our new foreign neighbors. But are we really happy living in this new land?
That's what frightens me. I'm not at all happy in this foreign country and neither are you. If our husband's were here we could learn to speak the language together and life wouldn't be so hard. This is the hand we've been dealt. We can't return to our "homeland" so we have to learn to speak the new language and acquaint ourselves with all the new customs.
Recover from grief. I don't think we ever recover. We just learn to tolerate and adjust to our new condition. After truly loving a man and centering your entire life around him this is the hardest thing we will ever have to do in this life. We are strong women.....aren't we?
One breath, one step at a time.

Jun 01, 2011
21 days to go = 1 year
by: jules

Patricia - 18 months for me now - sometimes feels like yesterday, sometimes like forever - but I am living the life I have now, I won't forget the past, but I can't go back there, can't change what is.
I will be thinking of you -
one step, one breath - take care

Jun 01, 2011
I know your pain
by: Christine

I understand how you feel...I lost the love of my life only 28 days ago...I am so lost and angry and sad and I miss him sooo much. I close my eyes and I see him and I hear him and I just want to reach out and hug him only to find air.

I am at a loss as to where to go from here. I am trying to create a new life for myself but I'm stumbling. I just keep saying I want Bill. We only had 2 years and 6 weeks and 1 day together...way to short a time.

We both waited all our lives to find the right one and we met later in life and began our journey together full of true pure love!!! The kind fairy tales are made of.

I can not even imagine 11 months from now...I am having trouble with 1 hour from now.

This site has inspired me. Reading how others have finally reached that peace and have moved forward...gives me hope that someday I will to.

But right now...one breathe, one hour at a time.

Jun 01, 2011
One year
by: M Mack


As the year mark approaches, you are getting ready and all the anger, sadness and frustration surfaces. I understand how you feel because I have the same heartache. So much going on around me, I'm involved with job, friends, family and still - there really is no letting go if my broken heart. It's always there reminding me if the love I lost and cannot have.

We have to go on, without the part of our lives we are missing. We have to be who we are, even if it's not who we were before. I'm sure Billy is watching your attempt to be the new normal and very concerned over your sadness. All you can do is give it your best effort and don't deny the grief. When it comes on rolling waves, ride them. Let it out and I'm sure we will eventually look back and wonder how we did it! Hang in there Pat because you are special. You were there for him until the end and know that he is there for you. Keep coming here and know you are not alone.

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