21 Months Old and gone
(Brisbane Australia )
I hope you are having a great Sunday!
Today I am struggling, yesterday I struggled…………….I don’t know how his Mummy does it. Then I worry about my 3 other grandchildren. I am scared to love too much, I am scared I won’t have that someone special in my life ever again (not like Jaxson). He loved me so so so so so so so so much. It is almost like I feel I wish he hadn’t then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. Just feeling messy in my head and heart right now. I think I am using you as a ‘Dear Diary’.
I hope you have a wonderful day today.
I think I want to run away but don’t know where to and that won’t help either really. I think I have to squash so much of me being sad for others. Then at times like this I just feel like I am not coping. Life does go on though, I will get through this, time might not heal and life will never be our Normal again it will just be different. I know I will laugh, I know of course I will love my babies all of them, just a huge hole in my heart that feels like such a gaping wound right now. I want to wallow, I want to be here to cry I don’t want to think of anyone else right now and this isn’t possible. There is always someone else, always someone wanting me, to be there for them to make them feel better by me talking to them and I don’t want to all I want to do is ME ME ME ME ME ME just for 5 minutes. I have to feel guilty because I am not there for everyone else right now, why should I have to feel guilty, can’t people see my tears, feel my pain and know that right now I need time to be? Everyone also tries to make it better but sometimes no one can but to make it better is to leave me in my pain. Understand that this isn’t about me not loving them or caring for them I just want to be about MY PAIN. I am thinking I shouldn’t’ send all this and just stop and ‘Have A Great Sunday’.
This can’t be fixed, this can only have time move forward and for me to keep breathing. If this wasn’t automatic right now I guess I would stop breathing as well this morning. I try to carry out normal day stuff, keep busy, keep going, then the pain won’t come. But this morning for a little while it is still coming. It is still there, it won’t go away. Right this second I want to be dead to, then I won’t feel it. I have held it in I try to be strong for everyone else, don’t talk about it, just talk about trivial things it will go away, but it doesn’t. It is there it is breaking me, it has shattered me and I hate it. I don’t want to be the one to have to feel guilty because I am not there for this moment in time for others. Yet of course they need me and I will have to pick myself up and move on like this is a nightmare and in the morning it will be fine, only morning doesn’t come. But I have to keep pretending to everyone that I am OK. Why? So they can be OK. My gorgeous baby boy died. The little love of my life, I held him while he took his last breath, he went limp in my arms, he frothed at the nose and the mouth and I held him… did he know I was there for him, did he really know how much his Nanny would have done anything anything at that moment to help him breathe????? Did he really know?? Did he know how much I loved him? Did he, did he did he??
I can’t handle this pain this morning, I just want him back, I wish I could do so many things differently. I should have had him here more, I was the one who loved him so much and would spend so much time with him and loved doing it, loved it every second. Why didn’t I do it more? Why didn’t he live with me? No one in my life will every love me as much as that little boy did, no one. I want him back. I want to spend time with him spoiling him so much with my love. My other grandsons - H doesn’t need me, A won’t, T won’t. and I know they won’t because they are healthy little boys who will run off to play in their perfect little worlds on their own journey of life discovery, just as it should be and should have been for Jaxson too. He was sick, he was hurting he couldn’t breathe and we didn’t help him. If this was just diabetes then that is so so cruel that no one checked. I hate them all for taking him away from me just because of un-diagnosing something so simple. It might not be it, he might have gone in a month he might have had another turn that left him dead or maybe for him worse as a vegetable just breathing. I know the reality but right now I just DO NOT CARE. NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AS MUCH AS THAT LITTLE BOY DID! He never judged me, he never had expectations, he just wanted to be with me. I know I am lucking to have had him love me so much but I want him back, I want to be selfish. I don’t want to feel this pain, it is too hard.There really is no one to take this away, I still have to keep thinking of others, always, over and over. Don’t hurt them, every corner I take I have to be thinking of someone else.
See I am still thinking I should delete and go back to the original line. Hope you are having a great Sunday.
Love from his Nanny