27 years together, how do I survive?

by Carole
(Victoria Australia)

Bill and I met 27 years ago; it was instant love we were engaged in two weeks. Our life together had heaps of ups and downs. We started businesses and lost; Bill ran national organizations but then got sick. I supported Bills dreams his goals, how do I know what I want now? Financially I am crippled, I get annoyed at how Bill left us, and I know I shouldn’t get angry at him but I am so scared, the house hasn’t sold yet it’s been 9 weeks and I’ve dropped the price by 20k and still it’s not sold.
The journey we were on was so scary it began 5 years ago with a major back operation followed by triple bypass followed by another back operation and then Bill was diagnosed in July 2011 with Kidney cancer; he had the kidney removed and chemo, experimental drugs another back operation as the cancer had got into his bones but no his body couldn’t cope.
My deepest regret is not being there when you finally left… I didn’t know this was it after so many times in hospital I thought it was just another time. First I started counting the days and now the weeks I can’t believe that life still goes on without you - 18 weeks! Why didn’t someone tell me…. if I had known I would have stayed with you every second. I crave holding your hand, the only thing we could do because the pain was so bad. Why, why did this happen what about our plans our hopes wishes… now what do I do?
I cannot think of the future beyond tomorrow, my life’s direction has been changed and where it will go I do not know?

Comments for 27 years together, how do I survive?

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May 14, 2012
Time is the Great Healer
by: Lorretta

At least that's what my sweet sweet brother said out of the blue about 24 months ago. How I wish God would let us redo!!! Me too, me too. He suffered from schizophrenia and had lived with me for about 18 years. He was a man who NEVER abused his body. At age 40 he was so terrified and believed God transferred him to a parallel universe. That is when we first took him to a psychiatrist. Great relief for him and us. But after 23 years on antipsychotics he was struggling to walk the last 3 years or so. Then I found him stuck in his bed after I returned from work. Happened a few times. Doctors let us down terribly. We never heard of drug-induced Parkinsonism until he was almost paralyzed by their meds. I pressed him to go to nursing home for physical therapy. And it was downhill from there. Horrific bone-deep bedsore. I was running every day after work to a 2nd rate facility. Finally got him transferred to better facility where wound almost healed completely. But he died from pneumonia from antibiotic resistant bacterium picked up in nursing home. Limbs very stiff. Thank you U of M psychiatry. Schizophrenia becomes LESS severe as person ages. Should have been off meds long time ago. We were never told that. Answers all seem crystal clear now. Now that it is too late. How do you live with it? I didnt know you could miss a human so badly. I wish I had asked him before he died how I was going to live without him. He seemed more accepting than me of his physical end. God help us all.

May 07, 2012
by: Anonymous

my thoughts and prayers with you all you all put into words what i am feeling in my heart no one knows the pain do they i was with my bill for 50 years it is 5 years since he passed and some days it feels like yesterday still cant believe he isnt with me the price we pay for love is very hard but we have the love it is the only thing that we never lose and i do know that they live in our hearts and stay close to us in spirit we will see them again god blrss you all feel their strength round you love mary x

May 06, 2012
We Will Survive........
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband of 37 years 17 months ago. My Joe was waiting on a heart transplant list but God had other plans for him.
For now just take your life one day at a time. The grief is still very new. There are days when I feel like a 2 year old not knowing where I am going.
My husband was my life and without him I had no idea who I was. I'm still discovering me.
Though it doesn't seem like it now.....things will work out for you. It seems so overwhelming but we do get through it.
Don't think about next week or even tomorrow. At this point you really are doing good just to get through the day.
God bless.

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