4 months & 3 days, will the pain ever stop

by Janet
(Dallas, TX)

It took me over 5 years to convence my husband to apply for disability. He was to proud and thought he was weak if he did. Thankfully a neighbor also suggested it and he did apply for it. I admit that I would get so angry with him because he would not apply for it knowing that he could not physically work, even driving would make his legs and feet go numb. I was so thankful when he did and when he finally got it.

I was the sole support of both him and my son, when he moved back home. I even asked for a divorce at one point when my son called to tell me he had been laid off. It was like, "I can't do this any more." I never did file and we did manage with me working 50 sometimes 60 hours a week. It left little time for us but I finally did make the decision to retire early. I am glad that I did. I retired at the end of April and he pasted away the 1st of November. We had the most wonder time together after I retired. We spent three months in Belize Central America and decided that was where we wanted to retire to and spend our time. He returned to Belize in September and I returned in October. My only regret was that I did not return sooner but there were things here that needed to be taken care of. Our first comment to each other was, "I will never do this again." It was one of the worst times in my life.

For the first time in years, he could walk up a flight of stairs without feeling any pain and we were happier than we had ever been. He suffered from Rheumatoid Arthritis and it had spread to his spine so walking or even climbing stairs were very painful for him. We endured the pain but we did enjoy what time we had together after my retirement.

I never got to really say good-bye because his was so sudden and unexpected. The last thing I remember saying to him was "Call me if you need any thing" because he had gone to lay down and said he did not feel well. I do not even remember if I said "I love you." I remember telling him that morning but I am not sure about afterwards. Things are still a blur to me about those last two weeks in Belize. I some times wish I could remember them and there are times I am glad that I can't remember them. I am so thankful for my freinds PeggyJo, Manny, Ed & Dee and a lot more who were there for me and who helped me during my last two weeks. I would not trade their friendship nor their love for anything.

I left behind a lot of friends when I came back to the States. I am thankful that I do have one friend from my former job who continues to keep in contact with me. She has helped me and I know that she is there for me. The one person I thought was a friend, I found out was not a true friend. It took me four months to finally tell her that she was not a friend. You do not treat your friends like you think people would treat you. You treat your friends like you would want them to treat you. Sad to say that I truly feel sorry for her in the end because she has no true concept of what friendship is really all about. I know that I would have never done or treated her the way she did me after losing my husband. I will tell you this, if she called me tomorrow and needed help in any way, I would still be there for her irregardless of what she did to me. I know that I ended a friendship on her end but not on mine.

Yes, I am angry with her but I do not hate her nor do I wish her any ill feelings or health. She was and is like a sister to me. My only hope that is she does learn that there is more to this world than just her and that people do matter because that is the feelings and the actions that she gives off. I truly believe deep down that she could be the most caring person any one could know if she would only let her guard down.

Sorry, but I guess I just needed to vent and this is the best place I can think of to do it without repercussions. It has not been a very good day but I do hope tomorrow is better. I am still learning one breath, one step, one day at a time. It is not easy and it is very painful. May God Bless all of you who read this and may He hold each and everyone of you in the palm of his hands.

Click here to post comments

Return to Lost Spouse/ True Love.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!