4 months Its still dark and I see no dawn
by Patricia Raushel
(Las Vegas, NV)
I've sold his truck, packed our house which now belongs to me and only packed my stuff. I've moving across the states and now sold our/my car because it became unreliable. I'm living with family (not a problem) and trying to transfer jobs. My mother to move in with me so I can take care and watch out for her. I'm doing the right things, following the steps. Being the dutiful daughter. But my heart is aching. The soul I lost, the other half of me is still gone. How do you survive? The tears continue to flow. Its 4 months and it still feels like yesterday. I went to a 7 years old Birthday Party today. My Sister-in-laws and brother family. I've been told I'm now part of the family. All I could think of is my Billy gone and not here sharing it with me. The tears threatening to flow at any moment. My Sister-in-law bless her soul saw my pain ~ I know she feels for me because she remembers her fathers lost. There's nothing that can be done ~ its a difficult and painful road we all travel.
All I can think of is I miss him and I don't want to be here anymore. I miss my Arkansas family and friends. Pictures surround me with love, laughter and happy times of us together. I just want to go to him. I don't' want to stay ~ who says I should? But I can't. I hate my job, I hate my life. It shouldn't have to be this way. So much pain and sorrow until were together. I hate everything about this and yet unable to change the course. So I'll cry myself asleep again tonight, wishing and wanting you and hoping to see you in my dream again tonight.
So again I tell myself, until I met you I will love you with all my heart and soul. I will continue ~ 1 step, 1 breath at a time ~