4 months Its still dark and I see no dawn

by Patricia Raushel
(Las Vegas, NV)

I've sold his truck, packed our house which now belongs to me and only packed my stuff. I've moving across the states and now sold our/my car because it became unreliable. I'm living with family (not a problem) and trying to transfer jobs. My mother to move in with me so I can take care and watch out for her. I'm doing the right things, following the steps. Being the dutiful daughter. But my heart is aching. The soul I lost, the other half of me is still gone. How do you survive? The tears continue to flow. Its 4 months and it still feels like yesterday. I went to a 7 years old Birthday Party today. My Sister-in-laws and brother family. I've been told I'm now part of the family. All I could think of is my Billy gone and not here sharing it with me. The tears threatening to flow at any moment. My Sister-in-law bless her soul saw my pain ~ I know she feels for me because she remembers her fathers lost. There's nothing that can be done ~ its a difficult and painful road we all travel.

All I can think of is I miss him and I don't want to be here anymore. I miss my Arkansas family and friends. Pictures surround me with love, laughter and happy times of us together. I just want to go to him. I don't' want to stay ~ who says I should? But I can't. I hate my job, I hate my life. It shouldn't have to be this way. So much pain and sorrow until were together. I hate everything about this and yet unable to change the course. So I'll cry myself asleep again tonight, wishing and wanting you and hoping to see you in my dream again tonight.

So again I tell myself, until I met you I will love you with all my heart and soul. I will continue ~ 1 step, 1 breath at a time ~

Comments for 4 months Its still dark and I see no dawn

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Oct 26, 2010
I remember...

I remember that feeling all too well, And with winter coming marks a year that I have survived and though not flourished, made it. I do not cry all the time as I used to. I tend to sigh now which in my book is good. This last leg if you want to call it acceptance is no piece of cake either. At some point rather recently it just set in that well, I guess this is the life that I am carving out for myself. I still have those awful memory slaps but I survive them better. Keeping busy helps but do not mistake busy for avoiding the whole process. Grief is like a rollercoster ride that you really want to get off off good days bad days and o.k days that are in my book good days, meaning well got through another one huh? I miss My Love still he was half of me we were Us and now its me, Just me and that is the hardest part to swallow. You know all along that that is the fact but grieving is not the same as the reality of it. Well, I know what I mean but it is not coming out right.

Keep on keeping on and the strength will empower you to be the best that you can be a new life and you can do it....My very best to you

Oct 25, 2010
I think it just keeps on getting worse
by: Shirley

I know how you feel. It's really hard and I think the expectation is that it should get better day by day but then something comes out of nowhere and ambushes you from behind and suddenly the pain returns like a crashing wave. Billy and Dimitri are hanging out together. I wonder if they feel sadness when they look down at us and see how broken we are. I love you cousin.

Oct 25, 2010
its ok
by: jen

Hi Patricia,
I lost my husband two years ago after a terrible death and I saw no way out.
Now this much on I now believe i will survive....
Only now im 40 and i know im doing well and really quite proud of what me and my teenage kids have achieved.
You need to be here and have so much in life still to do..
Hard as i know it is really as ive been there. You will survive. Honestly you will,
They our partners would want us to be happy when the time is right....................wouldn't they???

Jen x

Oct 25, 2010
4 months
by: Jules

Hi - I know your pain and loss - my husband has been gone just over eleven months, and I still miss him every day - but I am going on with my life - I have been sharing a house with a lady for the last six months, and have just moved out on my own. I know in my heart that I have to learn to live on my own, make my own life.

I have a little cottage, which is very cute, and I am making it my home. I still have my house in Melbourne, my son and his partner live there, but I don't want to be there. I feel that I am doing pretty well, meeting new people, just gone for a job (part time), and making my own decisions.

It has come to me recently that perhaps if I had gone back to Melbourne, I might not have coped so well, every corner I turned I would expect John to be there - I just don't feel like I belong there anymore - I have been back twice and will be spending Christmas there, but I don't want to live there anymore - if this is a new life, I will make it my way.

Keep taking those steps, know that you can come to this site at any time, those on here truly understand what you are going through, and four months is not very long - at that stage I was put on anti depressants for a time, they really helped me get my headspace together. Don't be afraid or ashamed to ask for help, it is the strong thing to do.


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