40 years old is to young to go... I miss my husband.
My husband Frank and I met when we were 18 years old. We became best friends and after 5 years it blossomed into something more. We got married and it was our 18 year anniversary this month. We had such a wonderful life together. So much laughter between us and our kids. I knew he loved me, I could see it in his eyes. And everyone could tell we loved each other very much. We enjoyed each other company that we did everything together. He was my best friend, my soul mate and husband. March 11, 2012 Frank passed away. We think it was a blood clot that cause his death. I woke one morning to his alarm going off on his cell phone but he wasn’t in bed which is nothing new because he always got up in the morning to take the dog out and smoke, but normally he would take his phone with him. But I didn’t think nothing of it and just hit snooze on it. When it went off again and he wasn’t back in the room I got up to go look for him. When I open the front door I found him face down on the ground. I called 911 and started CPR, I knew he was already gone but I didn’t want to admit it. I tried and tried and begged and cried for him to come back. But I couldn’t get him to come back. When the ambulance showed up I thought okay everything will be okay now they have the equipment to do it, but after an hour of them trying they told me the news. Everything became a fog after that. I was so in shocked. The first month I kept waiting for him to walk in the front door. I couldn’t go in my room, slept on the couch and eating was something I did not want to do. A month before Frank passed for some reason I got major anxiety, a feeling of dome. Like I was going to die for some reason. The doctor prescribed me anxiety medication then when Frank passed my anxiety is crazy now. I constantly feel like I’m going to die now. Like if it can happen to him it can happen to me without warning. The doctor had to prescribe me valium to help me sleep but after a month they switched it to xanax because the valium wasn’t helping me with my anxiety quick enough. Its been almost 5 months now and the meds are starting to work. But I’m scared to cry and let it out because I’m afraid my anxiety wont be able to handle it. Frank was a great guy, everyone loved him. He was a kind guy. He was the kind of guy who always wanted to do something to help someone out, specially around the holidays. Many times he would go thru a drive thru and pay for the car behind him. Or we would go out for dinner and pay someone elses tab, anonymously of course. I miss him so much. The loneliness is unbelievable. The house feels so empty. The laughter is gone. I miss his smile, I miss his hugs. I feel like a part of me is missing. Its hard coming home knowing that hes not here. Its been hard for me to come home and clean, cook and do the shopping or anything without him. I come home and pretty much lay on the couch.. My friends try to get me to get out and I do but it makes me so sad that I end up coming home early. My friends don’t know how to help me since they havent been thru this and I understand. And I don’t want to call on them because I know they have their own lifes and family. I just don’t know how to live my life without him. Its so hard. My boys have been great and try to do everything to help me and I am thankful for them. My oldest has taken better care of me than I have of them. I just don’t know how to take care of them if I cant take care of myself.