41years of marriage. Eight months you have been gone and I don't who I am

by Sharon
(Las Vegas Nvada)

Steven you will never leave my heart or soul. You left me here and I don't know who I am, I don't know what I'm suppose to do. All I know is I cry for you to be next to me. To feel your feel your hand in mine. I miss all the things you took with you. I didn't have time to say good bye or how much your love had and has been to me. You were my life which now is gone. You were my strenght through all our hard times. Those 4 boys really kept us in a maze. They don't come to see me you know. Just Ty and his 3 boys. I won't beg for them to visit or call. My mind is just about you now. I wonded when we will be together. If it wasn't for those 5 grandkids, I would be in your arms right now. But they can't lose their PaPa Bear and Gramma. I have to be here for them. Cooper and Cohen really need me. So I will stay for them.
I will wait Steven till my time. When will the tears stop? 8 months several times a day. You will always be my world. The first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. There is no words to say that will calm my heart. But the vision of you is with me always. I will always be with you in my heart.
I will never stop loving you.

Comments for 41years of marriage. Eight months you have been gone and I don't who I am

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Feb 01, 2013
Sharon don't give up! The sun will shine again,
by: Doreen U.K.

Sharon you are feeling very frustrated because you can't move forward the way you want to and in the time you want. You are in a hurry to get rid of the crying and feeling foolish. DON'T change a thing. You will one day move forward when you are ready to. Perhaps a few sessions with a grief counsellor will give you the impetus for change and the way forward better so that you can cope with the pool, and the trailer, and all those things annoying you just now. Our grief just makes the usual things much BIGGER. I know how you feel. All the MEN jobs we have to find someone to do. Don't underestimate what you can do. Because my husband was a carpenter. I was his labourer for over 44yrs. I learnt a thing or two and I had to do a lot of the labour work also. I am 64yrs. and I was lugging heavy boxes and half filled a skip. It was bitterly cold and I was ill but felt great after a hot shower and some food. I DID IT. On to another day. Started all over again. With the help of my son-in-law taking half my garage contents and fitted wardrobes for his new home. I now have the freedom to do what I want. Because of my Grief I couldn't get motivated. I now have my motivation back after a crack in the wall of my daughter's bedroom and having to get a builder in to do the work. I got a skip and now dumping all the clutter and garbage. I feel better already. I broke up all the old kitchen units sitting in the garage and SUCH A GREAT THERAPEUTIC FEELING. This was a tonic in itself. Of course if money is tight you will feel differnt. But If I had to sell our home and free up some money to do what I needed to do. I WOULD DO IT. See what works for you. Work out what you want to do with the pool and the trailer & the house. Get excited about the project WHEN YOU ARE READY. You will start to feel better. You just need a bit of ENCOURAGEMENT. I DID IT. STILL DOING IT. YOU CAN DO IT ALSO. Go for it GIRL. Let me know how it goes. Let us do it together. You at your end and me at mine. We can then swap stories and so give other's the encouragement and motivation to do it.

Feb 01, 2013
Does life get better? Will I remain like this forever. No You won't Life will get better!
by: Doreen U.K.

S Hatch Thank you for sharing your story of your loss but also the new poodle in your life. I could feel such joy just thinking of how much this pet has enhanced your life. Of course nothing will ever make up for the years with your husband. Nothing ever will. But we who have lost a husband have to try and put different things into our life to make it better and more meaningfull. You have done this first start with your poodle.
You are thinking positively by wanting a new job and basically a LIFE. You will get it just by wanting it to happen. Believe in yourself and what you can now accomplish in your life. These feelings won't last forever. Grief has a function and a journey. It is long and painful. None of us who have lost our partner will get the life back we had. But we can still have a good life. None of us knows who will come into our life and help make it better. It could even be a lifelong friend. It is just that we now have to put in the effort and hard work to make it happen. I have had to take on a mammoth building project as so much has gone wrong with the house. I have lost a bit of money but I am now having to be firm with tradesmen and now being assertive and getting what I need. Fed up of being ripped off. WE ALL CAN DO IT. Grieve your losses and build on your strengths. Only good thing to come out of our loss is that we have the FREEDOM to make out of our life what we want it to be. In time we can get excited about structuring our life, our day, what we want to do each day, what we want to cook and eat, and who we want to associate with. No relatives will ever be forced upon us because of our husband's folks who may not have treated us well. We don't have to see them and only see the people we want to. Now that is something to ponder on and at least give us a boost. I thought I would never say this. I will always MISS my BELOVED HUSBAND OF 44yrs who died almost 10 months ago. Nothing will change this. But I know that I have limited years because of age and health and so I make the most of this time I have.

Jan 31, 2013
When will the sun shine again
by: S Hatch

1 year 30 days ago I had a husband that loved me from the bottom of his heart as I did him. But now I have a 3 lb tiny teacup poodle that loves me. He makes this stupid house come alive. He lets me know he loves me with his tiny little paws softy walking along the bed, gives me a lick and plops off to sleep. Now I wake up to a little tiny face instead of a empty pillow. He my little shadow that makes me feel alive. But he can't do everything to make this hurt go away. That elephant is still on my chest along with the piranhas in my stomach. I miss miss miss him. I don't spend much on make-up anymore cuz the tears just makes me look even sadder. I want to meet people, I want a job, I'd like to feel happy or look forward to something, Wouldn't you? Does this feeling last forever? When do we get direction or a plan ?.
I so hate the word widow, geez is that awful. Some totally cruel person must have stayed up for weeks to come up with that one. All I can say is I still love him too much.

Sep 26, 2012
41 yrs of marriage
by: silver

I just realized that it may have sounded like I was pushing my poetry. I just mentioned those two because they fit this message. There is a lot of good poetry there.It also helps because it lets you know you are not alone

Sep 26, 2012
41 yrs of marriage....
by: silver

I feel funny like I'm reading a history of myself. My love and I were together for 3 and 1/2 yrs and married for 33 yrs. We have 4 sons. I say that they are good sons, but I feel so alone. Two live near but they don't offer to help I have to ask. One lives very far away and would prob help but what can you do over the phone? One's job takes him away for wks at a time and he can only help sometimes.They are all loving people but they have their own families and lives.I put several poems on the poetry page. One is called MY ROCK and one is about 'not crying very much' My love has been gone 16 months and I still cry every day.I try not to cry too much because I made myself so sick I ended up in the hospital ER and on meds.I made my lungs raw.I am a retired nurse (can't work because of my back)and I realized at that point that I needed help. I am beginning therapy this month. This site has helped me a lot.GOD BLESS you all and give you strength. But for my faith I wouldn't be here now.That and the fact that I lost both my parents within 8 months and I couldn't do that to my kids and grandkids.

Sep 26, 2012
41 years of marrage
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Sharon,
Yes, I do feel better than I did at 8 months. The thing that hasn't changed is the ache in my heart for Red. I don't think that will ever go away.
I stopped at the grocery store after work today. I only work part time. If Red was still here I would not be working anymore, but Red isn't here and it does me good to get out of the house. You need to get out; staying home all the time, only increases our grief. As I was walking to my car, a man walked by, my thought as I saw him was, " I don't want another man. If I can't have Red, I don't want anyone else. Others can have another relationship, and that's fine, but for me that isn't in the picture and don't know if it ever will be. I am okay with that. I had enough love from Red.
I joined a grief support group through my church. I developed a friendship with three other widows. We really bonded, the first night and have always been there for each other. We are going out for dinner this Saturday night. We all would rather spend the evening with our husbands, just home, but they are not here physically anymore, so we do things together. It helps deal with the lonliness and we can express our feelings without being judged. Only one who has experienced our loss, can truly understand.
Acceptance for me is the greatest challenge. I have two sons and three son- in- laws, a brother and three brother-in-laws that are always available if I need help. I try to do alot myself, even trimmed my shrubs. My husbands oldest brother told me I should have called him, he'd have done them for me, but I talked to Red as I did them and it turned out okay. I will get better with experience. My husband was a mechanic and bodyman-never had to worry about car issues. Now, that is different, but thankfully nothing serious has come up, but a friend of my husbn=ands told me he would take care of my car for me, if my boys couldn't. We have to just take it one day at a time.
If you ever need or want to talk, my e-mail is: patj@new.rr.com. I will always reply. I am on my computer everyday.
I have been on the Recover from grief sight, since one of my widow girlfriends told me about it. I am on it everyday. It helps me to read other posts; some from others whom are farther along in there grief.It gives me HOPE.
Our life is FOREVER CHANGED. But we will all make it. I used to say,"I am faking it until I can make it." I know I am making it. I just have to find out who I am. Red was my life.
God Bless You!

Sep 25, 2012
Pat and Red
by: Sharon

Dear Pat
Do you feel any different when Red was gone 8 months till now? There just doesn't seem to be a answer to what will change? What is going to make me stop crying? I am scared I will always be the one where everybody thinks I've moved because I hate leving the house, When I do half way through the store I cry. I feel so stupid and my face is rolling off, Thats my outing.
I can't even wonder what is going to do to make me change.
This empty house with the stupid pool, the trailer out on my lawn that I can't sell. Fighting with the hospital still. I have 2 choices, Wake up and clean or fix some dumb thing then go to bed for the night or I can wake up and stay in bed till its time to go to bed.
Men have a job. they can fix things, they can cut trees and clean a pool. But they too gieve and maybe its harder to work on a house for himself. I wished Steven went 1st because he could do everything and he made people like me feel bettr.
I just so hate everything .

Sep 25, 2012
41 years of marriage
by: Pat J.Green Bay,WI

Dear Sharon,
My husband, Red(his nickname), is gone 15 months, on the 27th. I feel like you do; who am I?
Red died the day after our 46th wedding anniversary, from a massive heart attack. He was a part of my life since I was 15 years old; for 3 1/2 years his girlfriend, then his wife for 46 years, now 15 months later I am his widow. Where do I go from here? I am a mother and grandmother still, but I sure miss being Red's wife. No, he wasn't perfect, no one is, but he was mine and we shared so much.
We still have our children; but they do have their own lives. I still love my husband as much today as when he was alive. I cannot ever imagine having another man in my life. What was WE is now just ME. I too feel I will never really be happy again, until I am laid to rest next to him. My adult children don't like to hear that, so I keep those thoughts to myself now.
I talk to my husband every day also; first thing when I wake up and last thing at night after I crawl in bed and numerous times during the day.
This new life has been forced on us, but we have choices to make. We can stay depressed or we can move on. I choose to move on with my life, but Red will always be carried in my heart. My love for him will never change. It is 15 months and the tears still come; not as frequent, yet always there.
Our life will never be the same. We just have to find out who we are now. We don't like being a widow, but we do have to go on living. God has a plan for each of us. I ask God to lead me everyday, because I don't know were I am going.
I have 5 adult children and 10 grandchildren. I attend my grandchildrens sporting events; sometimes even taking them, because mom or dad are still at work and can't leave. My children appreciate my help, but it also makes me feel needed and fills a void in my life.
We will always miss our loved one. They took part of us with them. All we can do is take it one day at a time; our life will never be the same. We all will go on, until God calls us to join our loved one. We all do have a purpose in life; right now we have a hard time understanding that.
God is walking with us; we are not alone and our husbands are watching over us. I feel my husbands presence daily.

Sep 25, 2012
41 yrs. of marriage. Eight months you have been gone and I don't know who I am
by: Doreen U.K.

Sharon I was married 44yrs. and lost my husband Steve to cancer almost 5 months ago. We both were married so long that our grief is that much harder. We do lose a lot of our personality as wive's and mothers our whole world is our husband and children and we love to the point we get lost in it all. Which is why when the children grow up and leave the nest, us mothers go through an empty nest crisis. My sister is going through this empty nest crisis with her grandchildren as they go off to University and one to college. This works the other way also with grandchildren. Now you have lost your husband of 41yrs. You have incurred another loss. I too have an empty nest and losing my husband so I am in the same place as you. I only felt good when I did voluntary work for 8 years in the Mental Health sector. I found MYSELF. I will have to go back to something of this sort so I can find myself after GRIEF. For the moment I am not able to do anything other than be on this grief site and support others. It helps me. I will know when it is time to slow down here. Every day is a struggle. I also know what you are saying about 3 of your sons not visiting you. I have lost 2 of my 3 children by them going on to live their own lives and I don't want to feel so needy that it affects my attitude and I end up making demands on my children because I feel so alone. This happened just after Steve died 5 months ago. I was upset with my daughter changing. She started going out more and leaving me all alone. She also went up to bed early as she had work next day and I suddenly felt all alone more so now and we ended up with our very first row, and there was such tension in the house I hated it. I found out the other day that my daugher goes up early to bed so that she can do all her crying there having lost her dad. I thought my Adult children were over their grief, but I guess I was wrong. I hate all the changes taking place now in my life. All the new adjustments I have to make for myself as a single person. I guess you feel the same way. I hope that life does improve for all of us and as we go through each day it becomes meaningfull and positive changes for the better, and we start to feel more comfortable from Grief.

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