by Marlon Pando
(New York City)


I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to share this and be alive. I lost 2 brothers at a young age and the most important person in my life, my dear beautiful mother. I am 38, am healthy, have been able to reach most of my professional goals and have nothing major to ever complain about, especially when comparing to those around me. Unfortunately, I walk around with this TERRIBLE guilt, a guilt so deep that has led me to miss out on life. It has stopped me from taking certain steps in my life and has me believing that I am not worth it all happiness ever again. I constantly feel like I should not be happy, I should not be laughing, I should not spoil myself and I give up everything, as soon as someone or a cause worth more than me deserved it. I also have started to believe (about a year now) in the law of attraction and this is why I am writing this now. I have been reading all these stories for months now, on this and other sites about multiple losses, and I feel that we all should try and set up a goal to eventually, stop attracting more guilt, more feeling unworthy of it all. I think not being able to let go has interfere with my life in many ways. I will go back to this later.... I know if your loses are recent, you are still going through very delicate phases, please go ahead and feel and cry and hug and do what you have to at the beginning to go one living. I know, I have been there over and over and sorry to be so honest, but it does not get better on its own. It takes time, having someone to talk to, hold and the truly cares for you is very helpful. I wish I had someone for two years now. I feel empty at night, being there all alone, thinking what if I do not wake up tomorrow, no one will know for days. It hurts to wake up to an empty home, especially when I feel sick and there is no one there to care, I know is hard but time does help....

I was born in Peru, I have/had (hate to accept that they are not here anymore, my heart breaks every time I have to admit this) 4 brothers and a little sister. Our parents met really, really young, my dad was my mom's first boyfriend... In 1995, my brother Cesar Pando, was shot in the head by a gang member... He was walking to the store, was not robbed or anything like that, it was just an initiation by this gang member to shot someone. Cesar spend 6 months in a coma, I moved from Florida to Brooklyn, to watch over him and on 7-18-1995, exactly 6 months later, he died. I felt like it should have been me, he had a kid and I did not. He was a father and I was not... Why take him my God I would pray often... This was the beginning of years of guilt and losses for my family and I. Immediately, I felt like there was no God or higher power, I let myself believe that something had to be done and it drove me to lose focus on my own life.

Right after 9/11 my brother Giovanni Pando died in a car accident, 100 roses were found in his trunk, he was preparing to surprise his wife on their one year anniversary... Again, I felt like I did not deserve to be here, he has a kid, a wife and I had nothing. Why be so unfair, I would do anything for my brothers... Take me a prayed.

Two years ago, after spending 3 years living near and working with my precious mother, she got an Aneurism, the day after we had a big celebration for a new business I was getting into. The event included food and my amazing mother, cooked all the food for a lot of people. After her death, I did not trow away her food for days, I made sure my family and I are her food to the end. It was she had cook our last supper :(. Oh how my heart just breaks apart when I think about this... I felt like giving up, like I should never ever be happy, like everything that I love and care for will die. I have told this to myself so much for close to 20 years now and I feel is time for me to let this go. I have not been able to keep a relationship, because as soon as I close, my mind makes me do things to push this person away. I start to think, if I love her and keep loving her, she will go away, like the other people I love so much...

My sister and brother and I, do all we can to keep in touch and see each other often, we even moved to the same state. Now, saying I love you bro or sis, is heard more and more often. My dad is around but he is more of a friend to us than a dad. He has remarried and lives away from us. Again, I have been blesses, today I do believe this but the pain in my heart is so deep, it hurts just to think about it. I know I am more sensitive than ever, I know that everyone that has not been through this before, has no idea of how I feel. Thank you all for listening and being brave enough to share your stories. I still struggle with friends, I feel like I need all new friends sometimes. I am the rock in my family, so I am use to keeping things very very far inside, so far that every smile on my face is the mere opposite of how I feel in my heart. I am always the last to cry and the first one to try and make people smile, I have gotten so good at eating my feelings that everyone tells me, you are lucky, you always look good and are very successful, little do they know that, I am broken inside, that I would give it all up for a hug from my mother... I miss my brothers and mom very very much. There is not a day I do not see their pictures or talk to them in my head and dreams.

Every holiday, every birthday I feel like I die a little more inside. It Hurts, it really burns inside when I think about it....

My Title: 4D5OfUs, started when my older living brother Lee got one of his first cars, this was his license plate and now all we do as brothers is 4 D 5 Of Us.

back to the law of attraction, I have started to accept that I can and will be happy again, I feel it, I have started to love with out feeling as much guilt. I actually had an experience where, I could swear, I felt my mother after her death, tell me "is okay my son, she is a good girl for you", my girlfriend then, was in the same room with me, I was holding her in my arms and this is the first time ever since I lost my brother Cesar, that I felt is was okay to LOVE and not feel guilty for being happy. I still struggle with the guilt and sometimes I do let my head get the best of me and feel like I will lose the ones I love, but I am moving on... I am going to focus and accept that I have no control of what nature decides to do but only of my own actions. I need to and will allow myself to be happy.

I pray and hope that you all find a way to better deal with your losses and I am very sorry and I went on too far, or if some of this does not help you, or has offended you in any way. I pray that you all find a way to move on and find people or at least someone, that can understand you better and help you in your time of need. I know I will find that someone or people and I know that I will be better now.

I love you mom, you are always in my mind, I respect you more now than ever before, forgive me for not telling you more how much I love you and how important you are to me and my brothers. I miss you mother, I miss you holding my head and rubbing my hair and telling me everything is going to be Okay... I hope to feel that once again, I know I will.

To my brother Cesar and Giovanni, know that as far as Lee, Reina and I are concern, we will always be 4D5OfUs....

May your prayers be heard and may today be a better day for you and I. Marlon Pando.

Comments for 4D5OfUs

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May 27, 2013
Always remember
by: Anonymous

Marlon Im sorry to hear about your mom. She was an extraordinary lady always there to help. Your family was always close and kind. This is Erica don't know if u remember me but I look at Giovannis picture every day as it hangs in my living room wall from prom. My thoughts are always with your family...I remember how gio was there for me when my dad passed away just a year before Gio had the accident and I could not understand why that had happened but god does have a plan that we must follow and is in need of people like the one's taken from us to help him fight all the wrong in this world. My love is always there for your family and my thoughts..Erica

Oct 29, 2012
to a new friend
by: Aida

Dear marlon pando. I'm so sorry to hear your story it really has touched my heart, I could never imagine how hard it has been, but god is good n you need to be at peace n happy for yourself your mami n brothers will like for you to be happy. N myself as a new friend:-)

Jul 29, 2012
Marlon Pando 4D5OfUs
by: Doreen U.K.

Hi Marlon Pando. Thank you for telling your story in a wonderful way. I am sorry for all your losses in your life. Your precious mother and your brothers.
We will never understand why we lose our loved ones when we do or the way it happens. One minute we are a family and next it is all gone. throwing our emotions and life into chaos. Losing our life for a long time because we find it hard to go on. We find it hard to understand why we lived and our loved one's died. We would all do anything we could to save the one we lost and even exchange places with them and die in their place. Guilt can set in so hard that we find it hard to recover from our loss. We all in grief feel that the ones close to us will also somehow leave us and die and we will lose everyone we love in our lives. I have in anguish myself called out to God saying. Take everyone from me now and see if I care. I will lose everyone I know. I lost my husband 11 weeks ago after 44yrs of marriage. It still hurts and will do so for a long long time. Marlon sometimes having a counsellor can help immensely dissipate many of the feelings that get set so hard that we cannot put one foot in front of another. We need help to do this. After having suffered for many years of the pain of grief, you seem to have found your way out of this dark tunnel and into the sunlight where you can see better. As a mark of maturity, You are finally accepting that you deserve to be Happy and LOVED. You are accepting that you do have a life and you have to live it. For yourself, your brother, and sister surviving. And also for your Mum and brothers who have passed away. We live in a fractured world and will live with many difficulties till the day we die. But I am happy you have found your way out of this jungle of despair you have been locked into and you are now able to breathe. To be happy and know that you have this right. You have the right to be happy and Loved and respected. You are blessed. You are also a blessing to others. Just by being in their presence and also by telling your story you have blessed others. May you go on in life to be Happy and Blessed in life forever and ever. Thank you for sharing your story.

Jul 29, 2012
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Dear Marlon,
I cannot say much yet as my Dad died recently and it was his birthday yesterday, it's all too raw but thank you so much for your post - you are a brave person. Take comfort from others on this site. Guilt is a killer, you have no need to feel guilty. Please look after yourself. x

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