by Marlon Pando
(New York City)
I feel very blessed to have the opportunity to share this and be alive. I lost 2 brothers at a young age and the most important person in my life, my dear beautiful mother. I am 38, am healthy, have been able to reach most of my professional goals and have nothing major to ever complain about, especially when comparing to those around me. Unfortunately, I walk around with this TERRIBLE guilt, a guilt so deep that has led me to miss out on life. It has stopped me from taking certain steps in my life and has me believing that I am not worth it all happiness ever again. I constantly feel like I should not be happy, I should not be laughing, I should not spoil myself and I give up everything, as soon as someone or a cause worth more than me deserved it. I also have started to believe (about a year now) in the law of attraction and this is why I am writing this now. I have been reading all these stories for months now, on this and other sites about multiple losses, and I feel that we all should try and set up a goal to eventually, stop attracting more guilt, more feeling unworthy of it all. I think not being able to let go has interfere with my life in many ways. I will go back to this later.... I know if your loses are recent, you are still going through very delicate phases, please go ahead and feel and cry and hug and do what you have to at the beginning to go one living. I know, I have been there over and over and sorry to be so honest, but it does not get better on its own. It takes time, having someone to talk to, hold and the truly cares for you is very helpful. I wish I had someone for two years now. I feel empty at night, being there all alone, thinking what if I do not wake up tomorrow, no one will know for days. It hurts to wake up to an empty home, especially when I feel sick and there is no one there to care, I know is hard but time does help....
I was born in Peru, I have/had (hate to accept that they are not here anymore, my heart breaks every time I have to admit this) 4 brothers and a little sister. Our parents met really, really young, my dad was my mom's first boyfriend... In 1995, my brother Cesar Pando, was shot in the head by a gang member... He was walking to the store, was not robbed or anything like that, it was just an initiation by this gang member to shot someone. Cesar spend 6 months in a coma, I moved from Florida to Brooklyn, to watch over him and on 7-18-1995, exactly 6 months later, he died. I felt like it should have been me, he had a kid and I did not. He was a father and I was not... Why take him my God I would pray often... This was the beginning of years of guilt and losses for my family and I. Immediately, I felt like there was no God or higher power, I let myself believe that something had to be done and it drove me to lose focus on my own life.
Right after 9/11 my brother Giovanni Pando died in a car accident, 100 roses were found in his trunk, he was preparing to surprise his wife on their one year anniversary... Again, I felt like I did not deserve to be here, he has a kid, a wife and I had nothing. Why be so unfair, I would do anything for my brothers... Take me a prayed.
Two years ago, after spending 3 years living near and working with my precious mother, she got an Aneurism, the day after we had a big celebration for a new business I was getting into. The event included food and my amazing mother, cooked all the food for a lot of people. After her death, I did not trow away her food for days, I made sure my family and I are her food to the end. It was she had cook our last supper :(. Oh how my heart just breaks apart when I think about this... I felt like giving up, like I should never ever be happy, like everything that I love and care for will die. I have told this to myself so much for close to 20 years now and I feel is time for me to let this go. I have not been able to keep a relationship, because as soon as I close, my mind makes me do things to push this person away. I start to think, if I love her and keep loving her, she will go away, like the other people I love so much...
My sister and brother and I, do all we can to keep in touch and see each other often, we even moved to the same state. Now, saying I love you bro or sis, is heard more and more often. My dad is around but he is more of a friend to us than a dad. He has remarried and lives away from us. Again, I have been blesses, today I do believe this but the pain in my heart is so deep, it hurts just to think about it. I know I am more sensitive than ever, I know that everyone that has not been through this before, has no idea of how I feel. Thank you all for listening and being brave enough to share your stories. I still struggle with friends, I feel like I need all new friends sometimes. I am the rock in my family, so I am use to keeping things very very far inside, so far that every smile on my face is the mere opposite of how I feel in my heart. I am always the last to cry and the first one to try and make people smile, I have gotten so good at eating my feelings that everyone tells me, you are lucky, you always look good and are very successful, little do they know that, I am broken inside, that I would give it all up for a hug from my mother... I miss my brothers and mom very very much. There is not a day I do not see their pictures or talk to them in my head and dreams.
Every holiday, every birthday I feel like I die a little more inside. It Hurts, it really burns inside when I think about it....
My Title: 4D5OfUs, started when my older living brother Lee got one of his first cars, this was his license plate and now all we do as brothers is 4 D 5 Of Us.
back to the law of attraction, I have started to accept that I can and will be happy again, I feel it, I have started to love with out feeling as much guilt. I actually had an experience where, I could swear, I felt my mother after her death, tell me "is okay my son, she is a good girl for you", my girlfriend then, was in the same room with me, I was holding her in my arms and this is the first time ever since I lost my brother Cesar, that I felt is was okay to LOVE and not feel guilty for being happy. I still struggle with the guilt and sometimes I do let my head get the best of me and feel like I will lose the ones I love, but I am moving on... I am going to focus and accept that I have no control of what nature decides to do but only of my own actions. I need to and will allow myself to be happy.
I pray and hope that you all find a way to better deal with your losses and I am very sorry and I went on too far, or if some of this does not help you, or has offended you in any way. I pray that you all find a way to move on and find people or at least someone, that can understand you better and help you in your time of need. I know I will find that someone or people and I know that I will be better now.
I love you mom, you are always in my mind, I respect you more now than ever before, forgive me for not telling you more how much I love you and how important you are to me and my brothers. I miss you mother, I miss you holding my head and rubbing my hair and telling me everything is going to be Okay... I hope to feel that once again, I know I will.
To my brother Cesar and Giovanni, know that as far as Lee, Reina and I are concern, we will always be 4D5OfUs....
May your prayers be heard and may today be a better day for you and I. Marlon Pando.