5 months and I still miss him
Had a really rough 4 days. Sunday was 5 months since Jim passed. It was like reliving it all over again. I am doing better now than I was. I hated roller coasters and do not like the one I am on now. I always made the decisions about things when we were married. I tried to get him to make them after I retired. Now I am back to square one and where do I go from here. Trying to deal with every day things is so trying and no friends to speak of and a son who does not want me to get out and meet other people. I have tried to explain to my son that even at 5 months, I need to make a life for myself and make friends not get i;nto a relationship, just make friends. He goes to Bible Study and Church on Sunday but does not want me to me new people. I am having a hard time following his thoughts and have explained to him that I am not my mother who remarried less than 7 months after my stepfather passed away.
He does not like some of the things I do, like going up to the bar just to be around people and get out of the house for a few hours. He does not want me to meet new people unless they are involved with church. I told him that I am not ready for church yet and I may never be. I have not attended mass in over 25 years. Not sure I can nor do I want to at this point. It is not that I am angry with God. I know that he is with me every day. "Mister God, this is Anna" (the book) has been a real help for me lately, reading it for the upteenth time. It and "Who Moved My Cheese" and "Tear Soup" have definitely been a help.
What do you do when you are faced with situations like this? Trying to do the best I can but some days it is just so hard. I wish Jim was here because I know he would know what to do. Some days I feel so helpless and alone. I am slowly remembering how to take care of my car. I have not done that in over 25 years. I know that I must do it. Need to get the oil changed and a tune up. I over filled the power steering fluid box but got something to take out the extra fluid so I will do that tomorrow. I need to start his jeep tomorrow and not sure I can. It is standard and I have not driven a standard in years. I guess I will learn in the morning how to do it as I am remembering how to take care of my car. Deciding that the only person I can really depend on is ME and some days that really Sucks. There are days that life really does suck but we must go on. I wish my grandmother was here for me to talk with. She was my inspiration and my rock. I miss her so much and miss Jim so very much.
I Love you Jim.