5 months and I still miss him

by Janet
(Dallas, TX)

Had a really rough 4 days. Sunday was 5 months since Jim passed. It was like reliving it all over again. I am doing better now than I was. I hated roller coasters and do not like the one I am on now. I always made the decisions about things when we were married. I tried to get him to make them after I retired. Now I am back to square one and where do I go from here. Trying to deal with every day things is so trying and no friends to speak of and a son who does not want me to get out and meet other people. I have tried to explain to my son that even at 5 months, I need to make a life for myself and make friends not get i;nto a relationship, just make friends. He goes to Bible Study and Church on Sunday but does not want me to me new people. I am having a hard time following his thoughts and have explained to him that I am not my mother who remarried less than 7 months after my stepfather passed away.
He does not like some of the things I do, like going up to the bar just to be around people and get out of the house for a few hours. He does not want me to meet new people unless they are involved with church. I told him that I am not ready for church yet and I may never be. I have not attended mass in over 25 years. Not sure I can nor do I want to at this point. It is not that I am angry with God. I know that he is with me every day. "Mister God, this is Anna" (the book) has been a real help for me lately, reading it for the upteenth time. It and "Who Moved My Cheese" and "Tear Soup" have definitely been a help.
What do you do when you are faced with situations like this? Trying to do the best I can but some days it is just so hard. I wish Jim was here because I know he would know what to do. Some days I feel so helpless and alone. I am slowly remembering how to take care of my car. I have not done that in over 25 years. I know that I must do it. Need to get the oil changed and a tune up. I over filled the power steering fluid box but got something to take out the extra fluid so I will do that tomorrow. I need to start his jeep tomorrow and not sure I can. It is standard and I have not driven a standard in years. I guess I will learn in the morning how to do it as I am remembering how to take care of my car. Deciding that the only person I can really depend on is ME and some days that really Sucks. There are days that life really does suck but we must go on. I wish my grandmother was here for me to talk with. She was my inspiration and my rock. I miss her so much and miss Jim so very much.
I Love you Jim.

Comments for 5 months and I still miss him

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Apr 11, 2012
Know how you feel
by: Anonymous

Dear Janet, So sorry for your loss. My husband has been gone a little over 6 months. I too, used to feel so strong and independent when he was here. Now, I feel so overwhelmed at times. Yesterday I had to search through stacks of papers for tax statements. At one point when I could not find what I needed I just started crying and yelling at him for leaving me to handle all of this.I'm also trying to get my house ready to sell.(my husband never threw anything out in 30 years so this is also getting me down) I just have decided that I can only do so much and if things aren't perfect, then too bad. I feel that we widows deserve to be very kind to ourselves- God knows we have been through the most awful time of our lives. Wishing you peace. Joanne, Chicago

Apr 04, 2012
5 months
by: M Mack

Each month I replay the last days my love was alive. One year and a half later.......I get the blues each month as I recount everything we did and said leading up to that final date when I found him too late on the bedroom floor. The regret is unbearable at times that I didn't realize how sick he was. Always too busy to stop and question - find out what I should have known about his enlarged heart. My point is - 5 months is not enough time for you to grieve. Even being around others is just a bandaid to make the day it night. You need time my friend to find out who you are again. Learn what you are capable of on your own. Don't miss a step and by going through those heartbreaking events makes you stronger day by day. There is no fix all pill or solution to your life from now on. Live it, talk to friends, walk, go to the library, find answers to how you can turn 1/2 of you into a whole. I don't think the bar is the answer right now. That's just like fix-I-flat. Yes I found that stuff too! Maybe try going to church and as time goes by you will feel more sure of your steps. Take it slow one breath one step- one day at a time. Keep writing for I know that really does help to heal. I'll keep you in my prayers to lessen that pain in your heart and bring better days your way. Take care of you! Hugs

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