5 seconds.. And my life changed forever...

by Jason
(North tonawanda)

I was out and about with my friends when I got a call from my mother telling me that my little brother hadn't come home from work today.. After I found out, I told her that i would call around and ask his friends if they had seen him, or talked to him at all since after school that day. I found out nothing.. While this was happening I was at my best friends house since after school, until about 11 o'clock when he dropped me off. Before I went inside I decided to check my backyard... Once I got back there I noticed my shed light was on, naturally I walk over and as I walk up to it I only catch a glimpse of his leg through the sheds window.. For 5 seconds I was so unrealistically happy knowing that this ordeal was finally over, I was finally going to get to talk to him and sort and figure everything out, I was literally overwhelmed.. i cant even explain how happy I was.....but........Little did I know..once I opened that door those 5 seconds of happiness would change into a life of regret and unhappiness......he was dead. He had died from carbon monoxide poisoning.. He left our riding lawnmower on and in the closed little space like the shed he stood no chance...... I still to this day regret every fight, every second that me and him didn't get along...I wish more than anything that I could at least had made sure he knew how much I loved him and needed him in my life..Because to me, right now, with how we were. I don't believe he thought so at all.. it literally kills me on a day to day basis knowing that I wouldn't get redoos on the ways we acted towards each other....I can't stress this enough, Please if you read this and have a brother or sister still tell them that you need them, and that you love them....... i found out way to late...

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Apr 19, 2013
5 seconds.. And my life changed forever....
by: Doreen U.K.

Jason I am sorry for your loss of your brother to a sudden death. It must have been so surreal finding your brother's body and the realisation that he was gone. At this time your life flashes so past before you with a ton of questions, and what if's? I experienced this also.
I know you wish you didn't fight, and that you told your brother that you loved him, and you appreciated him. BUT in REALITY. Does anyone do this? Perhaps few of us do. WE belong to a family with different life experiences but with the same struggles in life. We just go on day to day taking each other for granted that they will always be there. THIS IS LIFE. We all do it. It becomes NORMAL. I secretly feel that siblings know that they are loved and how they fit into the family. I have 5 siblings. We didn't fight till we were older. Our mother wouldn't let us fight or settle differences. She did this. So when we grew up we didn't know how to resolve difficulties. When our mum died 10 years ago it sorted itself out. But before she died everyone used to go back to our mother and talk over our feelings against each other and she would pass this on to us. This was her style she was reared with and so thought this was the right way. She didn't know any different. We siblings had a difficult time trying to resolve this problem within ourselves. But when someone dies we come together and are loving and very supportive even if we don't say so. Our actions to each other speaks volumes. Our actions speak louder than words. My personal feelings are. I would rather someone shows they care rather than tell me. Often people say I love you or they care and their actions say the opposite. I guess you showed your brother how you loved him even if you didn't say it. There are different ways we can show how we care for someone. But I guess it starts with us. WE start caring for ourselves then it becomes easier to show care and love for other's. I am sure you will find a way to honour your brother in death. Your guilt may be the normal guilt that comes with grief. It should go in time. If it doesn't then go and see a counsellor. You will lose your guilt after counselling. TIME is our only RECOVERY. However long it takes we will recover, but life will never be the same again for any of us who has lost someone close we loved.

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