5 weeks and everything's still raw
It's been 5 weeks, and I still struggle on a daily basis to explain to myself and to others why I feel the way I do. I hesitate to post here, because he wasn't my spouse. We never kissed. We hadn't ever talked about the tension between us, that had existed for years. And yet I know, with every fiber of my being, that we would have, had he not been ripped away from me tragically and suddenly of a curable illness at only 35.
He was my professor first, and then my friend, and then... this odd netherworld that neither of us seemed to be able to make the first move out of. I had loved him for years, but it was only after his death that I learned for sure that he had feelings for me, too. I kick myself every day for not taking one of the many opportunities that came up in the last 6 months to have that talk. A part of me thinks that if I had, maybe he'd be alive still.
I feel crazy for mourning memories that never actually happened. I'm pissed at the world for taking away someone I loved before I ever had the chance to tell him. I'm so angry that I have to keep living, have to live an entire life knowing that he'll never be there, that the future I'd counted on will never come to be. I'm terrified that my one shot at true love was dashed before I ever experienced it. I don't want to move on from him, but I don't want to be alone. I just want him back.
And so I cry myself to sleep, clutching a sweatshirt that still smells like him, though the scent is fading. I scream, but no sound comes out. I simultaneously feel like I don't have the right to this pain and that no one, not even me, fully understands it.