5 weeks and everything's still raw

by joanna

It's been 5 weeks, and I still struggle on a daily basis to explain to myself and to others why I feel the way I do. I hesitate to post here, because he wasn't my spouse. We never kissed. We hadn't ever talked about the tension between us, that had existed for years. And yet I know, with every fiber of my being, that we would have, had he not been ripped away from me tragically and suddenly of a curable illness at only 35.

He was my professor first, and then my friend, and then... this odd netherworld that neither of us seemed to be able to make the first move out of. I had loved him for years, but it was only after his death that I learned for sure that he had feelings for me, too. I kick myself every day for not taking one of the many opportunities that came up in the last 6 months to have that talk. A part of me thinks that if I had, maybe he'd be alive still.

I feel crazy for mourning memories that never actually happened. I'm pissed at the world for taking away someone I loved before I ever had the chance to tell him. I'm so angry that I have to keep living, have to live an entire life knowing that he'll never be there, that the future I'd counted on will never come to be. I'm terrified that my one shot at true love was dashed before I ever experienced it. I don't want to move on from him, but I don't want to be alone. I just want him back.

And so I cry myself to sleep, clutching a sweatshirt that still smells like him, though the scent is fading. I scream, but no sound comes out. I simultaneously feel like I don't have the right to this pain and that no one, not even me, fully understands it.

Comments for 5 weeks and everything's still raw

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Feb 19, 2011
Many types of grief


Although your situation may differ, you are still grieving. There are many types of grief; after all isn't grief a very deep loss? First of all I would probably stop telling people and trying to explain, They will not understand nor care and probably will think that your nuts.

Which you are NOT; these are real feelings, it is a loss for what may have been and in your eyes should have been. You flog yourself for not making the move to make it happen.

So take the time to grieve and know that grief at 5 weeks is still early raw and searing. People give sympathy for a month or two at best for grief that they understand. For grief that they don't they will nod and run for the hills. People unfortunately do not have the ability to listen unless it is of interest to them which is sad really. But know that we are here and will listen and try to help. You will find that grief is not something that you can rush; it guides you instead of you rushing it. Take your time try to pamper your self, take care of yourself and come here as often as you need.
one step one breath...

Feb 19, 2011
Hello Joanna
by: Eunice

Your situation, while to some, may be difficult to explain. But when it comes to matters of the heart, it's hard not to feel loss and sorrow, because he evidently was someone you cared about very deeply. Some times in cases like this, words aren't necessary, the communication between you both more than likely expressed all the expressions to let him know that he was indeed loved. Give yourself time to grieve, take things 1 day at a time. The grieving and loss process is from what I've found, a long process filled with a lot of obstacles and ups and downs. The best of luck to you. Hope this helps somewhat.
1 day~1 step

Feb 18, 2011
5 weeks and everything's still raw
by: jules

Of course you have a right to post here - you are grieving - for your lost love, your missed opportunities, the times you had together.

You don't have to explain - to anyone - why you are grieving, you loved him, he loved you - the whys and wherefores of this are between you and him. For one to be taken from us leaves us feeling bereft, sad, cheated, angry - and you will feel all this and more as time goes on.

Come to this site - read others posts, there is a poem on here called ' Shifting Sand" - try and find it - it says what we can't say sometimes.

Always - every day - one step, one breath
take care

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