5 years after my divorce and the pain is there.

by Tormented

My ex-wife decided to cheat on me with an old high school friend. She tells me this on our second aniversary; we were together for a total of 5 years. I know it is not a long time to be with someone, but it still hurts. I felt blind sided, I still was in love with her. I know our life was not perfect, looking back I made so many dumb mistakes. However, I don't feel anything I did could have justified her adultry. I guess I'm lookin to make sense of the whole incident. So many hurtful things occurred after she told me. She posted pictures of the guy she is with only a month after our separation, she moved in with him after she told me we were done. She posted pictures over xmas, only 21/2 months later. I felt like I was treated like some kind of a jerk. I never hit her, abused her, I'm not a drunk, or drug addict. I did not ditch her to hang out with the guys, or let family get involved in our marriage. But what hurts in the end is she just did not want to be married to me. I don't know what was wrong with me. I rushed home to be with my wife after work, I look forward to our time together. I did not take her for granted. The whole thing makes me feel worse then I ever felt. I feel like a sacrificed so much to make her happy, but nothing made her happy. What is wrong with me, is the pain I harbor over this. I feel inadequate, cheated, betrayed, and tormented. I don't want her back, so why is the pain feel so fresh sometimes. Why do my thoughts drift to her and the pain? Maybe my belief system has been shattered, maybe what I thought of the world has been turned upside down, maybe my expectations were just unreal. Maybe all of this is just bulls**t. I just want to move on and not feel the pain of the betrayal. After 5 years, her birthday is tomorrow, is this why I'm feeling like this? I don't know if it matters if she knows how I feel, or what I go through, it hurts.

I'm sorry if I'm not making sense or just rambling, but I thought this might help me get my feelings out. There is no one to talk to that can offer any good advice. I 've heard all the cliches. They piss me off.!!!

Comments for 5 years after my divorce and the pain is there.

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Aug 20, 2017
Half life of love is forever
by: Anonymous

It's hard to get over a divorce because you lost true love. It's like being addicted to a drug. Once you've lost that person - they are difficult to replace. Someone stole your happiness! Even if you find someone new - you may not love them as much as the one you lost - so your thoughts drift back to them - and the pain.
The only way to get over the divorce is to take action - wild crazy action - try activities you haven't tried before - immerse yourself in something scintillating when your mind starts to drift. Buy rental properties - learn how to day trade - learn a foreign language then go to that country.
If you don't change your life up - you'll remain stuck.

Aug 01, 2017
It's called Narcissistic Abuse (she did this)
by: Tana

I'm just hitting my 10 year divorce anniversary and am feeling what you are feeling. I was discarded after 9 years (and was married). Through my pain I realized that I always rescued people and did anything to make them happy at my own detriment. It hit me like a bolt of lightning almost 2 years ago. IT IS CALLED CO-DEPENDENCY and what you are feeling is the result of NARCISSISTIC ABUSE that she did to you. I don't want you to feel a victim mentality; but knowing WHAT IT IS and WHY IT HAPPENED. I could go on and on about Narcissistic Abuse; but when you do the research on your own, it should bring you some kind of comfort. I only discovered this phenomena roughly 2 years ago and it has helped make sense of the way I feel so discarded. Youtube has people who discuss this.

Some of the best are:
Ross Rosenberg (The Human Magnet Syndrome)
Lisa Romano (Narc Abuse Life Coach)
Spartan Life Coach (Male Perspective)

Your ex-wife is likely a 'Cluster B' Personality from the examples you have given. Knowing what a Cluster B is will literally open up the world to you. Knowledge is power. Perhaps you have the same patterns in relationships. For your own good; please research and dig deep. Healing is not overnight; but learning about Narc Abuse will help you to reconcile the head and the heart. I NEVER get on sites and reply (because I feel like blogs and people's responses are usually negative and I try to avoid negativity), but since I sought out info on the internet and read your post; I wanted to share. Thanks for letting me share (as we say in Codependents Anonymous).


Jul 31, 2017
good guy
by: Anonymous

in my opinion u r a hard guy to find, i wish my ex husband would of always look forward to seein me, i wish he wouldnt have let his family get in btw, i wish he wouldnt have screamed at me so many times n thrown me out of the house and always put me first. I guess we all wish what we dont have right, dont feel bad you are not alone i miss him every day and i think i always will regarless of all the things he didnt do for me.

Dec 15, 2014
i know
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel. I was married for 25 years and had TOTAL trust in my X husband. It ended 8 years ago. He ran off with his SECOND affair and married her 2 years later. She was 17 years younger than him.

To this day I can't seem to trust anyone, especially men. I have no hope of remarrying mostly because now I'm 58 and men seem to want young woman.

It's weird...because I don't love him anymore, but somehow it still hurts that he would do that to me... maybe because I'd never do it to anyone. I just keep wanting to share my semi-retirement and retirement years with the person who already knows my life story and built it with me. But that person just doesn't really exist.

We had 3 kids and it hurts everytime I have to be around them at birthday parties, or graduations, or weddings, etc... I'm always expected to just put a smile on my face and put up with it...so I do. Then I'm sad for days after it.

I don't understand it either, but I still hurt too.

ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Dec 14, 2014
You need to get a therapy
by: Sympathizing Stranger

You need counseling for yourself. Imagine, she told you that she's going to cheat on your 2nd anniversary? She's a heartless bitch. I know it's very hard to forget the pain she caused you but be grateful because you got rid of a murderer of the soul. Try not to grieve for a cheater, those moments w/ her were just a big lie. Be happy with what you have and not longing for something you don't have or you've lost or never had. Just don't be afraid to be not able to fall in love again or be single forever. You're not alone, we are hundreds! or thousands? There are a lot of things you can do alone. Like playing sports, learning how to play a guitar/saxophone. Learn how to waste your money to have fun...like collecting toys or comics. Play video games, RPGs are my favorite. WATCH Art Of Travel starring Christopher Masterson. Have a vision and take actions, my friend. I'm not going to tell you to spend w/ your family and friends because it's too cliche...

You previous marriage is over. It's over, when it's over. Learn to accept it, in order to forget it.

Nov 18, 2014
Dear Torment
by: Hazel

I am so sorry for your pain and your loss. When I read your words they were like reading my own and what you wrote about your wife is what I have written exactly about my husband of 25 years. He was with the adulterer whore shacked up in four weeks proven in the Family Law Court.

My book will be published shortly following almost two years of research and understanding. I would like to ask you the most important question about the cause of your wife's actions. Was she abused as a child?

These adult children of childhood trauma follow the exact same patterns of behaviour you have describe.

Please contact me anytime - willowbrook435@live.com.au if I can answer any question you have or I can help by sharing. The words, actions and behaviours of adult children abused in childhood are almost identical and we are becoming more Aware of the very complex and complicated life long legacy of childhood abuse.

I wish you strength and Love. Hazel :)
ed note: This blog has been transitioned to a great new Forum with private messaging. Please check it out by hitting the "The Grief Club" button on the left. You can even resubmit your post there for fresh advice. Thanks so much!

Nov 04, 2014
still hurting even today
by: Anonymous

We were married for 15 yrs and we were the happiest couple ever until the 12th July 2011 on our 15th anniversary he told me that he was leaving. I thought it was a joke because were having our anniversary breakfast. He left me with our 2 kids. His girlfriend moved in with him few weeks later. I found out last week that they are getting married. I cried like a baby. My children were so devastated. I still love him even though he hurt me. I have to accept that he is gone. In the divorce settlement he stated tht should he find out tht I'm having an affair he will kick me out of the house with the kids.

Oct 07, 2014
by: Anonymous

After 8 years, my wife said she left because the kids were stressing her out. Her kids, my step kids. After three months of her ignoring me and texting late and night, she finally said she was leaving me. After some time, I found out she was texting my friend and that she was also sexting him. I stayed in the house for two months and finally moved out. She slept with him the night I moved out. We tried to stay friends, even having sex, but she has turned into to quite the promiscuous woman...group sex, multiple partners, etc. Don't think she really loved me at all. She never expressed true sentiments the whole 8 years, and didn't know how to communicate. She still sexts this guy while having sex with many men six months later. I feel like I wasted my years...could have had a child of my own with someone who was worthy...and she still lies and covers the real reasons why she left to save face with family and friends. I'm alone and can't trust anyone anymore. She wasn't like this when I met her...or was she, and I was fooled all along.

Oct 03, 2014
by: Anonymous

Reding your story hit close to home. I was married to my ex husband for almost 5 years and he cheated on me as well. I came across this article because I was searching for some magical answer on why almost 3 years later I still grieve for him. I have dreams very often that he comes back, but I know In my heart I could never take him back. Like your ex wife... He did some of those very hurtful things. Our first separation turned into a divorce and to this day I still have not been able to process it. Like you, I was not perfect. I never cheated on him but I know there were hurtful words thrown during the duration of our marriage. I know words can be detremental but If I was willing to work through his infidelity, surely I thought we could work through minuscule issues. It almost seems that he just changed his mind about being married. It was a long road moving pass my devastation, and even more harder when our children was in the middle. He's been in a relationship for over a year now and I've been single since we seperated. I'm hurt and obviously not over it. Life sometimes seem so unfair. He looks happy and he doesn't see our daughter or even help me support her. How could I have done nothing but love my ex husband unconditionally and attempted to do everything right and he hurt me so bad. Then he moves on and is living happily (in another state) while I'm here still struggling to put my life back together. All I have is my faith that God ended our union for a reason. I just want to stop reminiscing on our good times together. I want the memories to fade, but the sad reality is... At times I fall weak and my emotions take over. 3 years later... I still hurt. I lost my husband, best friend and a huge piece of me. I hope this one day fades away.. Good luck to you and I hope you can soon move past this soon.

Sep 28, 2014
Never heals
by: Anonymous

I have been seperated for 2years and divorced for 3yrs total of 5 years being by my self. My ex wife cheated on me with her boss
I still can't get over it up till
Now. I never did any to hurt her
Always did everything she wanted because I loved her with all my heart. She is still seeing the other guy but still troubles me for money every month I want to move on in life but just can't trust women in general anymore. I wonder if this is normal.

Sep 26, 2014
I wish us all happiness!
by: Anonymous

Hello. Thank you all for baring your feelings here. I wish I could give some amazing pearl of wisdom that would let you forgive yourself and your ex. I am hurting quite a bit myself. I am 34 now. My future ex-wife is 35. We meet in our early 20's through friends and it took right off. I only mention this because we were young so maybe we missed some signs along the way. Together for 11 years before she decided to cheat on me. We had everything it seemed... amazingly strong love for each other, best friends, two children, two houses, a dog, great in laws, supportive extended family, etc. But somehow we tried so hard to accept each other we grew resentful due to lack of dealing with things that bothered us. Intimacy slowed way down. I think most married couples go through this. We'll the lack of communication towards the end and the stress of everything sent my wife off the deep end. She cracked... then a much older man from her group therapy sessions snuck in while her guard was down. A known womanizer and destroyer of relationships. No one has been with this creeper for 8 years. He has no family that talk to him, no $ to speak of, nothing to offer her long term. He sunk his claws in deep. A year later theyre more friends than anything. But i still had to go through the pain of watching him come into my house, make nice with my children, etc. I have never felt so useless, so degraded and demoralized in all my life. Will i ever be able to fully give myself to someone ever again? I have tried dating but find myself unavailable. I wake up every morning and its the first thing i think of. The hows and whys of it. It worries me that i take it for granted these days. It's been a year, which i know isn't much time, but it still haunts me and infuriates me that because of her selfishness my family has been dissolved and my relationship with my kids will forever be altered. She was lucky im a good dad and did right by them through my pain. Some men just disappear. I have them more than she does. Worst part is were ridiculously civil around each other. Best friends is a hard thing to scrap. She still cries and i still hurt. Was it worth it?!!! Getting in shape, getting a new job, new life does help a bit but it wont wipe those feeling away. Time and a good therapist seems the way for me. Thanks for letting me rant. Take care of yourselves and remember that there is always someone more deserving of you.

Sep 16, 2014
A longing
by: Anonymous

I was married 33 years, separated for 4 years and divorced 1 year. I grieve daily. He found someone else. I still cry. Life around me goes on. He is still in my heart. I exist. I don't want to date. I still want him to come home

Jul 28, 2014
when things don't make since
by: jJewel

Dear, Anonymous you stated you did the "correct grieving process" but you haven't been able to move on. it's been six years, with all do respect to you, he your ex has moved on, and he said the fatal words to you no fault of yours, I think these words are keeping you from moving forward you are unable to understand why, he doesn't want you to move forward are he would have told you the true reason, He probably was hurt in the relationship so now he wants you to hurt, this wrong way of thinking on his behalf is inexcusable and should not be tolerated Forgive him and you will set yourself free from this bondage and by all means forgive yourself its time to put yourself back together again, There is someone out there waiting to be cared for and loved by you, someone you will make extremely happy and content- often time we will make the statement I just don't trust men anymore, I truly believe its not men we don't trust its ourselves we no longer trust. We are capable of making the right decisions for ourselves. Instead of saying we can't lets say we can.

Jul 26, 2014
thank you
by: Anonymous

Good to read, thank you,that I am not alone with still grieving desperately,still loving and missing my husband so after 25yrs marriage which ended 6yrs ago.
although as you all did i did the 'correct' grieving, moving on ,keeping busy but inside this did not work.Its that numb feeling as the joy of life has gone and the acute sadness remains.
like many of you,time heals is an untrue cliche.
feeling this grief still,after all these years made me wonder if I was just crazy -now, thank you,I know its not just me.
I was 58 and he could never give me a reason,couldn't 'fault' me - just fell in love with an old school friend.

Jul 21, 2014
When things don't make since
by: jJewel

I think you should look at your situation in another way, The person you married failed to see and acknowledge the LOVE you had for her she could not identify with it, she refuse to see and feel the tangible reality of the Love of a man. w we as women fail to realize, when a man shares his love with a woman it is pure and genuine, it truly comes from who you are The Man The first from creation God gave and showed His love for the Man First, and it is an instinct within him to give it whole heartedly, so Im not shocked that she failed to see are feel it. She is overwhelmed with what the world has said love should feel like. So please don't be afraid to fall in Love again' this time see if she knows who you are, and what you were put on the earth to do and that is to LOVE and for it to be demonstrated with the person who receives it freely. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, if you look at it from a different perspective, she opened a door for you to walk through and find the woman who is waiting to receive your love. I hope this makes since, I was so deeply moved by your letter, I hope no I know this will help you.

Jul 15, 2014
Moral compass
by: Anonymous

I can relate to most of people's grief here .. And yes 5 years on it still hurts .. But in all honestly as much as I still love my ex deep down still ... Anyone that is prepared to put someone who they know loves them and could even be put in a situation of self harm ... Are not deserving of your love .. Let alone devotion and effort for them .. Not comforting maybe .. But should be ... Knowing you could not do the same to anyone you loved ..

Jul 15, 2014
6 years ago and still hurts
by: Paramita

We were together for almost ten years since college, then we broke up 6 years ago cause finally our different religion came to unreconciliable decision. Yes, it is matter a lot in my country that a couple need to have same religion. A year after that he married a woman I didnt know. I m still single up till now, unable to fall in love again, compared everyone I met with him.
The first 3 years I did go out, travelling, have some hobbies, met new people, go out almost every weekend, dating, even praying for miracle. But it was not helping at all. Then I just backed to my solitary activities.
It is really true that TIME DOESNT HEAL. After 6 years I am still feel the pain as fresh as yesterday. I can still function normally in my job and around people. But I wish I just can sleep and never wake up, cause this life without him feel like a nightmare.

Jun 24, 2014
Pain is replaced by numbness
by: Anonymous

18 months since the divorce: We were together 8 years. This was the second marriage for both of us. I moved out in September and that fall/winter was the ice age of my life. Sad, forlorn, hurt and broken from the lost relationship, I cried every day over the first 6 months. It didn’t matter where I was. I broke down on the train or out with acquaintances. By the summer of the next year the pain significantly reduced. That may I saw in colors again. I started dating and felt like I still had value, but after dating more than a dozen women over the next six months I sunk in a hole that I can’t get out of, and don’t even want to try.

While the pain has subsided, the emptiness, the nothingness is all there is now. I can’t find happiness. I’m not there anymore. Time may subdue the pain, but not the loss. Pain may be overpowering in the months that follow your lost love, but intense pain forces emotional release and is part of recovery. To me what follows the pain is mortal. Instead of falling to sleep from the exhaustion of wrenching sobbing, I just sit in my chair now, no sound, no motion, no crying, no nothing. Shut off the TV because it is uninteresting and sit looking at the blank screen for hours.

During the 1st year, I went out every weekend and sometimes had fun, but now every day is the same and I often stay in on weekends. If I go out I drink too much and feel like crap for days, and I don’t have fun anyway.

Knowing that I was distraught after the breakup, I initially went to counselling for 4 months. Two months after the breakup I began working out rigorously to help regain myself confidence and provide an enjoyable activity. By April I was chiseled like few other 60 year old men and feeling almost OK (and I loved working out). Both men and women commented on how good I looked, but the key was that I felt good inside. I had taken control of my life and felt I could overcome any obstacle.

Despite dating many women, a relation did not develop – either it was me or them. Then my shoulder failed, then the other shoulder: working out ceased. Arthroscopic surgery on one shoulder showed bone on bone and a TSR is necessary to eliminate pain. I’ve lost 50% of range of motion and all my strength in one shoulder and have acute pain in the other. Recently I dated a lady for 6 weeks. She was the 1st one I really liked, but she ended it saying that she didn’t know what she wanted.

I feel worthless. I don’t care anymore. I’ve lost all my motivation. This what life has become. I have no memories that make me smile. I’ve failed at making new memories.

I appreciate reading what others have written. It helps for a moment. I don’t know what will become of me. When I fell in love with my second wife I thought this would be forever, now I’m afraid that I’m forever forlorn.

Jun 08, 2014
3 years and moved back home exactly on this date...
by: Tara

Still hurts after 3 years. Separtated for 2 years and last year divorced. Met him 11 years ago and dated him for 5 years and married for 5 years. That is a total of 10 years with him, I am 36 now with no children. I have a wonderful family and great girlfriends. I have 1 guy friend in my life. He's getting married soon, but I still think we will remain good friends bc he is my brother's friend too. My ex-husband was also friends with my brother. Not anymore. So.....what I am trying to say is now I am ready to date someone. It's been 3 years I have been single. I have not had any intimacy with any guy, It;s an awful and empty feeling. I live at home with my parents. They both feel sad for me. They can't understand why it's so hard for me to meet men. I have an active social life. Always out and even been trying to date online since January of this year. Everyone told me to try it and meet people. Well, it feels so weird to me that I am trying so meet someone. It feels like I am cheating and I don;t know why. You are probably thinking I am not over my ex. I keep looking for guys that resemble his looks. Why do I feel like I am cheating my Ex who had an affair with someone he worked with? What's wrong with me? Therapy helps, but the pain is still there. Can anyone relate why it feels so wrong looking for new men when I left my Ex 3 years ago...?

Jun 03, 2014
So glad I'm not the only one
by: Denise

I just saw my ex on the road, at an intersection, light turned red for me and he was at the one that turned green. He stared at me, don't know if he knew it was me, don't know if he knew that I knew it was him. Six years since we have seen/talked to each other, our vehicles have changed, our work, our travel patterns and the people in our life. He's in a new relationship and so am I. Hindsight, I know that I have "ME" back by not being in that relationship. And short it was, 3-4 years at most, the last being spotty. And STILL, adrenaline crept through my core, tears stood on ready. I hate it because there is NO reason. Other past relationships are ALL considered friends now, including an ex-husband who had an affair with a family member.... But the one I passed today.... seriously totally do not get it, why my life, as good as it is right now and how much better I am where I am now, I do not get why it does that to me.

So if it helps anyone, here is my theory and perhaps there's something someone can take from it. It's like a reminder of failure. It's that I wasn't the one to quit. It's that I failed and it was not under my control to fail. This is what I think is going on subconsciously somewhere deep down inside. Factually, those statements are far from true because it's not a one way street. But somehow comprehending how someone could put open and whole honesty trust and dedication, work and forgiveness into a relationship, to accept and to understand more than was ever offered or given in any other relationship, and still to not be worthy of the reward expected creates a sense of failure.

I find myself remaining at a distance in my current situation. And my thoughts of pain are comforted by reminding myself an overwhelming number of times that the emotional investment I made did not have a return and to have continued along those lines, I would have been lost in a shell of the person I truly am. And that is someone MUCH more developed and wise than I was.

So now I'm going to take a deep breath and wish all a sense of peace and calm and joy to cover the pain.

May 22, 2014
Will I ever get over it
by: Anonymous

4 years since the divorce 6 yrs since the split. Violent abusive and adulterous, so I know I'm better for escaping this awful relationship..... But why do I find myself beside myself with tears and sadness even now? Unable to move on.... Keeping myself busy... Kidding myself and everyone else I'm ok?? But all I want to do is fall to sleep and never wake up. TIME DOESNT HEAL! It's as raw now as it was all those years ago... And with constant contact because of our son... His nastiness and lack of remorse won't let this wound heal... It's like a deep emotional cancer that will eventually kill me

May 12, 2014
Different for each of us
by: Anonymous

I know the place in your life you talk about. Today marks the 5th anniversary of my ex telling me she wanted a divorce after 28 years and another 6 of dating. Hit me like a ton of bricks but for some reason I still love her and can't move pass it. Have tried different things but with two grown children it seems I have no purpose in life.
Friends try to help but it is hard to be around them because I have to put up such a front that I become exhausted and just want to be alone

May 02, 2014
I understand
by: Anonymous 17

I understand your greif. I have been divorced for about 4 years and the pain is terrible sometimes. My ex cheated on me with several women and never repented. I was completely blindsided when he told me he wanted a divorce. I was not a perfect wife, but I loved him and did not want a divorce. I did everything I knew how to do to be a good wife. But, obviously, he was not satisfied with me. This is very difficult to accept. I don't think I will ever totally get over what has happened to me. I know it is a grieving process. But I don't think it will ever really be over. I have just forced myself to move on with my life. I try to focus on the good things in my life like my kids. Counselling has helped some. Time and prayer have helped the most. Hang in there - God bless

Apr 23, 2014
by: Sita

Hi its been 2 years since my ex and i have split, 1 year after the divorce. i met a great guy during the divorce he sends the flowers writes the poems, Mr. romantic. He is a darling. i still love my husband though but he cheated, did not make an effort to save the marriage. it ended abruptly, i tried pleaded begged him, i thought i couldn't breathe without him today i have become totally independent, i can drive, my 2nd year awaits me for my bachelors.i have done a lot for myself, but emotionally i am a mess. i started therapy. I loved my ex unconditionally and cannot with the new guy. He has been there and done all that anyone can do but its not the same.
i think i did not give myself time to heal from the scars. I FIND MYSELF being lonely still even though i have someone in my life. A void still exist. i am not the same anymore. i have a lot of vengeance hurt and pain inside. help

Apr 15, 2014
I feel this way too
by: Anonymous

So glad I found this site. I was wondering if something was wrong with me when I found myself crying over a marriage that ended about 5 years ago but still had to sign papers to tie up some loose ends this week.

Even during the worse part of this break up and he was mentally unkind when he wanted out of the marriage I still could not hate him. I loved him deeply. I know that I am better off not being with someone who no longer wanted to be married to me
but I felt sad that a relationship that was not all that bad was thrown away by his actions.

Now time has passed we are civil the odd occasions we communicate but his being nice makes it tougher.

thanks for sharing the stories to let me know yes it can hurt even years later.

Wishing us all the strength to move on positively
an ex wife

Apr 05, 2014
by: Anonymous

I know exactly how all of you feel. I have been divorced for 3 years now. My ex and I were together for 13 years. We have two beautiful children and I thought our marriage was good. All marriages go through ups and downs. It is the natural cycle of a relationship. I thought we were on an up. Apparently, not. In a text message, he told me he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. Then 2 weeks later, my daughter found a message in his phone "I love you baby" and it wasn't from me. This is how I found out he was unfaithful. The pain was devastating. I was completely blind-sided. When I think about it now, the pain is still fresh and raw, then I cry like a baby. I wonder what more could I have done, why wasn't I good enough. I don't love him or want to be with him at all. I get upset with myself for letting it affect me like this. I try to bury the pain because I do not have time to deal with it. I have a household to run and keep together. My children and Mom depend on me. Now it's affecting my job. I have all this resentment, pain, and hurt that I have not dealt with. You are witnessing my first attempt to deal with it. I feel like a blubbering idiot. I thought I was dealing ok but I feel weak. How do I pick up the pieces of my shattered heart? How do I move on emotionally? I have met someone who makes me very happy but I keep him at a comfortable distance to avoid getting hurt. I often wonder if I am tarnished. Ruined. Will I ever let anyone in again or will I always have this wall up?

Apr 05, 2014
Been five years
by: Anonymous

Thanks everyone for your comments. I thought I had missed something, feeling pain after five years divorce.
Your comments brought me to tears. My marriage was twenty years. It was a difficult marriage with drinking and mental illness but I was determined to stick with it. "Till death do us part." I thought he couldn't live without me, but he sure showed me he could, with another women. I know I'm better off without him, certainly happier and I couldn't have him back but it hurts, still hurts.
I did all the right things after we separated, divorce care, counselling, friends, church. Had lots of support and thought I was good but I've been getting moments of sheer pain. I morn my marriage, maybe it's the marriage and not my marriage.
I worry about seeing him, with 'her' at a family event.
I don't understand how he could leave our marriage, he loved me. If anything, I had reason to leave him. I guess he is a coward.
I'm rambling now. Bottom line-5 years later it still hurts. I miss my marriage. I'm not interested in meeting anyone else. I never want to go through that pain again.
God is good. He has been my husband and a much better one.

Jan 22, 2014
Not back to normal
by: Anonymous

I have been divorced for 5 years. (He left for a younger woman after 16 years together).

I went through counseling, periods of grief, depression, lots of anxiety, panic attacks, prescriptions and insomnia.

I know cognitively that I am better off without him as he lied and cheated, however, I am stuck still with the why and the what could I have done differently.

After 5 years, I am still "not back to normal" I cry randomly (at home and work), I can't sleep at night and I am pretty lonely. The whole in my heart isn't healing. I just go through the routines of life but am not really living.

I wish I had advice. Everyone told me, it will get better, but for me it really hasn't.

Oct 11, 2013
Not everyone recovers
by: Anonymous

I think the truth is that some people never really recover from the terrible hurt that being left can cause. I dated my ex for 6 years, married him and every day of our 20 year marriage he said he loved me. I certainly loved him and there was always a backdrop of love and togetherness between us.

And then I began to notice he was trying to make arguments out of nothing. He was playing sport with a female colleague and I began to wonder. I didn't voice any concerns and then out of the blue, he said the marriage was over. No explanation. From that day for almost a year, he kept up what I can only describe as emotional abuse - every time he looked at me, his face said he hated me and I would not speak to me at all except with the most awful tone, through gritted teeth. He still said nothing about her, but I became the amateur private detective and I knew what was going on. In the end I gave him three days to leave my home. He went. We divorced. He married her.

All that was 16 years ago and I still go over what happened. I've had all sorts of therapy - nothing works. I've met someone else, but like someone else posted, it's still never going to heal the pain. He's not the 'original'. Forgiveness? - well maybe - but there's a side of me that says it's just not appropriate to forgive him. He ruined my emotional life and I know it will always be that way.

Oct 09, 2013
4 years
by: jet

Like many of you, I too was blindsided after a 28 year marriage, 2 grown children, etc. etc. Every word and response from her adulterous *ss were lies for who knows how long. Like some of you, I felt like I would die. Like many of you I did not drink,use drugs, etc. etc. I worked my entire life and made in excess of a 100 k, nice house, new cars, etc. etc. None of this matters, the answers you seek are right in front of you. I did a life review, I identified my shortcomings, my strengths, I did the work I thought I needed to do, still not having all the answers. I did the things I wanted to do, I stayed as close to my grown children as I could, I went on some dates etc. etc. Then I met the love of my life, I knew it when I saw her, we went slow and I was myself as was she. I am now remarried and am so happy that I cannot believe I once wanted someone
who did not want me. Your best years are ahead you are free of one that did not want, respect, or care to be with you. They have done you a favor, now get to work on you, its time to get going, let the past rest, be grateful for now, start driving your life. Rumination will dissolve your soul. Wish them well, forgive them, forgive you, and move on with your life.

Jun 24, 2013
We will find someone better
by: Anonymous #4

Don't worry about the other man. The other person is almost always an insecure coward who cannot take courage and work on his marriage. This dude was seducing my wife while his wife and 9 year old little girl were starving for his affection and love. Everything is about him. He needs to feel stroked in order to love.

Needless to say this coward broke up with my ex wife when my ex wife began to put the pressure on him to proceed with the plan of joining themselves in love and starting a new life. My ex was so crushed. She took it out on me. If I wouldn't have been in the way he would have stayed.

Nothing ever is good that comes from an affair or divorce. I can honestly say I am over my ex wife. I feel God helped me get our of a marriage because she was so mean to me and inconsiderate. He knew her hart and he knows my heart.

My hang up now is not being confident in pursuing a relationship with a woman. I am scared. I feel I have a lot to offer, but I don't want to get burned again. I understand the human condition now and have a fear that I will attract a selfish woman who is a narcissistic, selfish, unkind person who will abandon me when things get tough.

I pray everyday and ask God to send me a kind, considerate, loving, and God fearing woman into my life. I believe know that when I am ready, and when its Gods timing, my little lady will appear......and I will know it!!

I look forward to this day with an open heart and anticipation. It doesn't matter what we look like or our shape or size. There is someone for everyone. We all just want to be loved and be in a loving relationship under Gods control. Good luck and thank you for letting me heal some more.

Jun 24, 2013
We will come out blessed
by: Anonymous #3

continued from #2. My ex-wife denied everything!!
I have been separated and divorced for over six years and I am still hurting......yet healed.

I feel so good at times, ........but there is a part of me that wants to know "why" and "what happened". You see my ex-wife never sat with me and told me anything. I would ask what happened, but she would answer in a defiant, rude, crude, or angry tones where I never received closure. I filed for divorce. I have two kids and I told her after finding out about the other dude that we should both go to counseling. She refused to go and said our children would be ok. What a selfish person my ex was and is.

I have to tell you that I felt so angry at her denying her affair that I called her co-worker on Fathers Day of that year. I talked to him and he said my wife told him our relationship was over. I kept asking him to let me talk to his wife. The coward kept telling me no. He was a looser that couldn't handle his own marriage and he got his strokes from my wife who was flattered to get attention from some loser coworker. He lover was a piece of ****who couldn't take care of his own marriage......

Jun 24, 2013
We will heal!!
by: Anonymous #2

I then went to her (our) bed on an early Saturday morning. I climbed gently inside the sheets and tried to cuddle next to her.....she pulled / jerked away. It was a humiliating, disturbing, guilty, shameful, and weird feeling for her to do that. I asked her what was wrong and she would say, "nothing." I then asked her to be honest and she finally said, " I don't love you anymore....I love you....but I'm not in love with you" I felt like I did when I was in 2nd grade and my best friend told me, "I don't want to be your friend any more." I felt so baaaaad! Her saying that crushed me. I knew there was no going back. That was the day I knew for a fact that she was cheating on me....but she denied it until I caught her in her lie.

She told me she couldn't be intimate with me anymore. Red Flag! I said to myself...why? is she saving herself for someone else....will it be cheating on the other guy? I felt so confused.....but my gut told me something was up. For the next two months I felt like I was the problem. I felt it was me me me me me.

She was always texting and I began to write down the times. I called the phone carrier and the lady told me she would send a hardcopy of the bill. When I got the bill, there were hundreds of calls and texts to one number. She didn't call too many people or text too many people but this number she was texting day and night. She even texted him through out my birthday. What a joke.

I confronted her and she said, "Its not what you think" She began to "gaslight" me

Jun 24, 2013
God has a plan for all of us.....He will give it back 7 fold...hang in there!
by: Anonymous #1


Where do I begin? I pray to God through Jesus that He restore us to feel well again and with the strength to continue to love as we loved the person who we said we'd love for the rest of our lives. I pray He bless us with our partner that He would approve of and who would love us the way He said in 1Corinthians 13. Gods timing is never late, and worth the wait. Lets all be patient and wait for Gods timing to bring us that special someone who He wants us to meet.

Your written words touched my heart. You described my story. It was painful. It was humiliating. I felt powerless to change her mind in what I thought we should do as a family. I prayed to no answer. God was with me though....every step of the way.

I too got blindsided.....so don't feel bad or alone....I'm with you brother. I loved her so much I didn't have a clue or better said, I didn't want to let myself know.....but my gut always knew the truth. My nightmare began after catching her in a lie as to her whereabouts. I knew instantly that she was with the other dude....that other piece of shit. When she got home I asked her what was going on and she said, "I don't want to talk about it".....she said, "nothing is going on"....."I don't want to talk about it" I didn't want to pressure her so I backed off and was a "good husband" who wanted to believe in my wife.

Because of her infatuation with her married co-worker, she was blind to the trail of tale tell signs she was leaving for me and her friends to see. I caught her again in three lies over the next 2 weeks. She began to "gaslight" me with excuses and began to tell me that I was controlling, and that I was suffocating her. Because I wanted to do the right thing and be a good husband, I backed off and began to question myself and blame myself and feel like a worthless cowards....I didn't want to confront her anymore because I didn't want to be a controlling husband. I took the blame for this rocky period in out marriage......and she let me.

I then confronted her because I couldn't take it that I felt like I was going crazy. I felt inferior....like I was suffocating and she wouldn't help me. I felt alone and worthless. I felt I was the cause of my wife not connecting with me.

I began to sleep in another bedroom so she could be comfortable. I deeply wanted her to go to my bedroom and let me "off the hook" and to tell me she loved me. It never happened. The more disconnected we were the better it was for her. She wanted the disconnect because it helped her feel better and have a lighter conscience. To be continued....

Jun 21, 2013
Still hurting too
by: Anonymous

I know every corner of the journey. It's been six years since he left me but I still hurt so much. He had a child in secret while married to me then when I discovered it six years later he left me and my kids for her so I had to file for divorce to protect myself from his debts. I willed myself to get over it. I was told by church people my faith wasn't strong enough that's why I still hurt. I am still alone raising my two kids by myself. I still cry sometimes when no one else is around. I have tried so hard but I just can't seem to stop feeling the hurt. I am so mad at them for ruining my children's family. I feel like everyone accepts them more readily than than they accept me. I haven't met anyone who is single to start dating. Now I think there is something wrong with me. Church people tell me I am being unforgiving ! They would know even though they have not been through what I have been through because they are holier than me.

Jun 03, 2013
I can relate
by: Anonymous

I can relate, I was married to my ex-husband for a little over 5 years and we dated for several years before that. (He cheated on me). It's been almost 5 years since the divorce. So, why does it still hurt sometimes even though I know I don't want him back?

You mentioned feeling inadequate. That's been a big problem with me. I feel like, for me, feeling inadequate or unlovable has caused the pain more so than losing my ex. I think I'm scared no one would love me and if I got close to them they'd want to run away too. And I think the isolation I put myself through because of those fears is also a big part of what is causing the pain. Do you think these kinds of things are what is causing the pain to linger for you?

Despite feeling lower than a duck's butt, I still believe deep down that we do have worth and value and that we still have a lot to offer.

Also, I'm beginning to think thinking about a painful will cause temporary pain even if we've moved on and become happier. For instance, a woman who was helping my divorce care group had since remarried many years before coming to the group. Her life was much better, she'd grown as a person, but when she recounted the incident that led to the death of her previous marriage, she still almost cried. In the moment that she was focusing on it, she still hurt despite all the good that had happened since. The same thing happened with a professor I had in college - he had lost his wife to cancer many years before and had remarried, he seemed jovial most of the time, but when he talked about his late wife's passing, it seemed to upset him a little. I don't think either one of them hurt frequently but when they actively thought about it/talked about it, they did experience temporary pain.

How do we solve this? My thought is if we could understand what is really hurting and work on changing that, it would lessen the pain. Since, I struggle to believe I'm a person of worth and value, I was thinking it might help me if I got out and volunteered or connected with friends or tried to meet new friends. It might give me a good chance to see that I, in fact, do have a lot to offer other people. It would also take time, which might help get my mind off of playing all the old tapes that say I'm not good enough...

I hope you find a lot of healing from this grief soon. I'm sorry you have to go through this situation too.

May 29, 2013
nothing left to give
by: John

Wish there was an answer to stop the pain. My wife left 3 years ago, just said she fell out of love with me. Not a day goes by without shedding a tear.
Feel empty and have no love to give anyone else.

May 03, 2013
...5 very weird years...
by: Anonymous

....its been 5 years after a 32 yr marriage with 4 kids....I am not sure about how I feel about her anymore accept still very very angry at times...put her and my kids through college...what I wanted was to be loved...never was and always knew it at gut level....but I did love her then...very very much but she was very hard to love...now after the dating scene for 5 years I have learned more about me than them...its so strange but I always feel I am with the wrong person...out of place...I do know this I am not ashamed of the husband and dad I was...and yet it did no good for the marriage...divorce is the death of many things...time is not replaceable...its gone...starting again is a joke...we dont have a choice but it will never be the same...it may be good but it will not be the original...seems cheap...divided between then and now...some people just move on...yeah sure 90% of them are the ones who wanted the divorce!!...I cant think of treating a person like this but fact is people do...played by the rules....might as well have cheated...got the same result...sure there are valid resons for divorce...but the vast majority of divorce today is 50ish women just wanting freedom...well they got it at the expense of others and ruined a family forever...always...well those me me me women are now finding out the other side of the fence aint so good....how do I know?...I have met 100s...alone and lonely!!...yippee there free...what goes around baby... what goes around.

Feb 17, 2013
For what it's worth
by: Anonymous

I just wanted to say that after my 20 year marriage ended 5 years ago, I started out thinking I would date again and find someone. 5 year later I'm still alone. I've became afraid to go out with anyone. I think the problem is that I thought I was doing everything right. I really believed he loved me. He didn't just leave, he also took a lot of my self-worth with him. If I could quit blaming myself maybe I could put it behind me and begin again. I read a book once that said people who cheat build fantasy worlds, when things get complicated the fantasy fades quickly. The girl my ex left me for made the mistake of getting sick with a lot of doctor bills, he made a hasty exit a few months later. The real test of any relationship is people who stick with it when things get tough. Good luck to you. It may take some work to put it behind you but you can do it. You just have to believe.

Dec 18, 2012
by: Anonymous

My divorce has only been three years, and yet I still feel very alone even after years of counseling.

The death of a marriage (divorce) is not like any other death we have ever experienced. No, we cannot be "just friends"; we are not in Highschool anymore, this is LIFE !!!

we have 3 beautiful kids together, and I fell like I let them down even though I did not do anything wrong.

I miss the Happily ever after that we were taught, or shown by our parents example. Great things take work, and I was willing and able to put in the work, yet, she got a different offer. Marriage is not about switching teams, or changing schools or majors... OMG !!!

I feel like with the divorce, it is difficult to be a good role model, as I want happy marriages for all of my children, yet I could not keep one beyond 22 years.

Why is this harder to get over than death of a friend or relative ??

Jul 06, 2012
It's hard to let go
by: Anonymous

Hi my name is ben, i have the same feeling like it just happen yesterday, everything is so fresh that what i don't understand is why am i so guilty since she's the one who cheated on me, my gf of six years cheated on me twice 2008 and just this june 2012, caught her in the act and all she going to say is his only a friend(holding hands walking around the mall) and i'm sorry, but i think what we need to do is keep busy doing something else instead of thinking, i know how hard it is, i give everything i guess if they are going to look for someone nothing we can do about that, it's hard to convinced and pleased her if she already cheated,just like what happen to me at first after i caught her, i have to get worried if she's coming out of that housed and see her after i drop her off or maybe if she still talking to him, did you ever experience that when your gone she's fooling around at the same time she press the button and dialed your no. and you didn't answer it and when you check your voice mail you have a 5 1/2 minutes of them fooling around, YES it happen to me i confront her that and she started crying and deny everything, my friend there is only two person in world fool and foolish, still hurts but you have to move forward and not to look back,things happen for reasons, i already accept that, that is why i blocked her no. and text so she can't text me, she keep on calling me for the past few weeks, she said i miss you and i miss our weekend, but i never pay any attention, my sister said if you are going to answer her text or call it means that your still under her spell, MOVE FORWARD, SEE THE LIGHT AT THE END AND IT WON'T GO DARK.....goodluck and goodluck to me too.

Jun 17, 2012
been there too
by: Anonymous

I very much relate to how you are feeling. I was in love with my ex and he lied a lot about how he truly felt about me. So i was blindsided when he let me finally know he didn't want our marriage anymore. It's been 9 years for me and I often wonder how I can still feel any pain about it at all. I did all the right thingsafter he left....had therapy, expressed my feelings, dated, made new friends ect. But i still have some moments of deep sadness about what he did and the loss for me and my kids. I am remarried now and love this new man, but the first marriage was a long one and the new person cannot and should not be expected to fix what came before. That's for me to do. We had beautiful children. They too thought we had a healthy, happy family. I had no idea he was not happy. You could say I should have known but if someone tells you every day how much they love you and how happy they are with you , and then out of the blue you find out they're cheating on you and planning on leaving you, it's hard to know. We still enjoyed each other and did all the things we had always done. All I can say is bad things happen to good people and eventhough you have moments when the pain and sadness of the loss return, you have to keep moving forward. It 's not that I'm perfect, but I was honest about my feelings and considered his feelings a lot. He did not do the same for me. So....I agree it's more about his lack of maturity, care and concern for his wife and family. I'm better off without him, but I loved so deeply and so long I'm not sure the sadness at what happened will every completely go away. But I'm proud of myself. I am still here and still a good person. I thank god every day I don't have his problems. I enjoy my children, my new husband and the knowledge that I loved and was good to him and our family when we were together.

May 12, 2012
5 yrs after divorce
by: Anonymous

life has many lessons at times very painful like the one you are describing. You seem to be a good person who deposit love, care and e/thing that a good person would do. One day if not soon all that joy that she seems to have will too end, simply because the same way she ran away with someone else disregarding your feelings and not going about a rupture in an amicable way says a lot about her. He r behavior will repeat.It was not what you did not do but what she did not appreciate. You need to have faith in yourself and not let the best of you go to waste. Someone will come and appreciate you, give yourself time and love yourself 1rst. Meet other people, do something new,find joy and do not let this experience mark your future.
best wishes

May 12, 2012
You didn't sign your name
by: Nancy

Maybe is not even about her. Maybe her leaving triggered some of the hurts and pains from your past that were unfinished before you even meet up with her. Part of loving someone is loving yourself first. I am sorry that she left and I get that you are having a hard time letting go. You are the most important person in your life and your life is so valuable in this moment and in the future - just as you loved her - there is someone out there even more precious. She will be willing to except you for who you are - and she will be willing to walk through your past and help you deal with all those things that trigger you and make you feel incomplete and wanting more. If you believe for one moment that you were in love with this person - your new found love - in the future - will help you - love yourself beyond measure. The best is yet to come - go get it. Nancy

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