6 months and still going strong!

by M Mack

I think the six month time of grief is worse for me than before. I'm not numb anymore. I move along doing what I need to do. I'm social with coworker, pleasant with family. Yet, every moment of the day I'm thinking about him.

It's as though he were next me as I work, drive, shop, empty the dish washer, cook anything. He is more in my life now than ever before! I hold his favorite shirt, read his cards to me, even have a worn sock for comfort. Anything and everything is associated with that man. Memories are almost alive. Does this make sense to act this way? I wish I had more closure but I can't do it. His heart lives in me and I don't think it will ever die. So for now, I'll hang out with him since I'm not ready to let go.

Comments for 6 months and still going strong!

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Feb 26, 2011
moving on
by: jody

at 14 months in the thought of moving on is non existent..ive had 3 jobs in a year and had to not go back to them out of being embarrassed for breaking down sometime during the day...right now i have $300. to my name and rent is due in less than a week...but guess what...for some reason i dont even care...what are they gonna do to me??it cant be ant worse than the last year that i have been living..i spent all the life insurance money running away... i have relocated 1000 miles away from where we were together...the only thing that has helped is i left gloomy always cloudy ohio and moved to ever sunny and clear arizona...now i wish for a little less sunshine so i have a "reason" to hate life!!!!i just dont think things will ever change and think ive just finally realized hes not coming back...and the future also seems to hold no excitement except getting up to do the same thing again and again...oh and did i tell you my son basically "died" too...he has disowned me for feeling the way i do...kids ...hes 23 and doesnt have a clue about life...i wish i had some support..but i do have you all here on this site...and i have lived thru every emotion and feeling you all have at least once...rollercoaster...more like a hurricane!!!

Feb 01, 2011
no need to let go
by: Lyn Ann

Hi Ms M - I'm not letting go either. I had his pictures framed and they are all over the house, I have them on my screen saver (freaks the people out at work), I wear his favourite clothes around the house and his pjs to bed. It feels right.

In fact, sometimes things get crazy at work and I don't think about him for a few hours - and I get this horrible guilty feeling that I've let him down!

we feel what we are supposed to feel. so just go with whatever works.
Lyn Ann

Feb 01, 2011
Hanging out
by: Zoe

I think to survive this we are numb at first, we don't know it, the pain is devastating but the fact is we have a level of numbness that allows us to move, or be moved around by others.

And that is the key in the beginning there are the others the ones that make sure we eat and do basic necessities, but they, as we all know, go back to their lives. And they should. But that means we need to become more aware, we have to survive. But more aware means more aware of our beloved being gone. The clink of the toilet seat which John always made sure to put down when he was done, or opening the cabinet and finding four jars of pickles (yeah I don't know the man loved pickles what can I say)

I still keep pickles in the pantry. I still make sure the house is the way he liked it, I have said before I still talk to him. It is John and my house, and for me it always will be and through my grief I know, I am ok with that.

But know besides him you can come here and hang out with us, we are always with you.

One breath one step one day at a time

Jan 29, 2011
Thinking of him over and over and over

Gee I could have swore that I replied to this hence the widows brainfart syndrome. First off your first mistake is making sense of grief. There is no logic here only emotion and some sense of survival. Thinking ourselves insane and beyond reach and help. There is no sense, just trying to make it through the day. The memories just want to smother us and leave us so broken we might as well stay in bed with a half gallon of ice cream watching Mr. Ed. Sometimes that is all we can do and if so...so be it. I have no outlets, no hobbies nothing to keep me occupied and that in itself is a slow torture. I will find my way. We all will, there is something we are meant to be. Just dunno what that is yet.

Jan 29, 2011
yes, hang on to him
by: Sonia

My dear, hang on to him. embrace all the beautiful memories; sleep in his pajamas' kiss the things he left behind; cry anytime, anywhere until your pain is spent. I talk to my husband every time I miss and long for him even now 3 years & 10 months since he has gone. Stay very close to God and ask Him to help you pick up the broken pieces of your heart. I have been there and I feel so for you..You are not alone in your grief for a much-loved one. We are kindred spirits in our pain and loss. All my sympathy and love..sonia

Jan 28, 2011
Nine weeks and wishing my hubby was with me
by: Pam

I feel you are blessed to feel your husband with you all the time. My husband died nine weeks ago today, and I don't feel him with me at all.....I too have items of his I hold on to. I put some of his dirty clothes in ziploc bags, and in fact tonight I plan on opening one up hoping to get his scent.

I would think that feeling him with you would bring much comfort, but maybe I am wrong....does it?

Jan 28, 2011
5 months for me
by: Judith

I seem to be going backwards further and further. My journaling has the same theme of I miss you, us and what we were before his illness. I was stronger a couple of months but just so much is happening like having to replace flooring due to water damage, will have to leave my home for termite tenting and find a place for my cats to stay, and then replacing a damaged front door. It's all so stressful. Plus my son who is visiting comes off with no understanding and plenty of attitude. I just want to jump in a river and meet my husband in the ocean. We are allowed to be a little off some of the time some of us more than others. I'm just so tired of all the distractions so I can get on with healing and peace.

Jan 28, 2011
6 months and still going strong
by: jules

M.Mack - we all do what we need to do, how we need to do it, and when we need to do it. It is the only way we survive. If you need to talk to him all the time - that's fine, that's normal - because whatever is right for you is what is right.

Take comfort from this site - and every day - one step, one breath
take care

Jan 28, 2011
what is the diff between grief and depression?

Mrs. MM,

It is over a year going on 14 months as of the 6th of Feb. I still pull out a T-shirt out of his drawer and try to breathe in his scent. His favorite shirt Mr. Happy has lost its scent because I wear them for P.J's

I do not think that anything that you do to feel him, remember him, is odd. I am packing away Paul's Books, Dvds & C.Ds for the kids to enjoy. But I can no longer look at them...They make me so sad.

As hard and gut wrenching as it is to pack them away. I feel that I must force myself to? somehow paint and renew the house so that the memories do not strangle me so hard.

I do not have the money to remodel but I can paint our/my bedroom and Living room so that I force myself somehow out of grief. I know that this will not fix it. I will Always Love and Miss him. I have become stagnant and do not want to really do Anything. I know that it is bad and not conductive for healing to wallow.

I am going to "see someone" to figure out whether I am experiencing grief, or something more...It is hard for me to admit and I only do so to perhaps help other widows that think that well, this is just the way that it is.

But I find very little joy in anything. Life is mundane and boring. I don't care and that can't be good to continue living life that way. Partially because of what Judy said and the fact that my Dr. has been bugging me about it for a while. I thought only weak people tried to get help for depression.

I need to get over being ashamed and accept help even if it is counseling. So don't be too proud to admit...perhaps this is more than just grief?

Jan 28, 2011
Everyone says.....Move ON!
by: Anonymous

Everyone says to move on but I can't. Not right now. If we aren't ready to we shouldn't push ourselves. I've actually had two of my husband's friends call and ask me out to dinner. I'm sure they'll think I'm unsociable but I just can't do that right now. I can't be with his friends. Those were his friends. That's not something we did together. Neither of these friends ever asked us to go to dinner. Are they just trying to be nice? Do they have more than dinner on their minds? I don't know ~ and I really don't care. No thank you.

I kept my husband's robe. I held onto it the other night for the longest time. It smells like him (in a good way~like his cologne). I'm not ready to move on and you shouldn't push yourself.
Hugs and Blessings Ms. Mack.

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