6 months Later and Still No Better

by Wendy
(Abington, PA)


First let me thank everyone who has been so supportive on this sight. I was hoping by now I would feel better, but I find that 6 months later I am feeling more lost and alone than in the beginning. I guess in the beginning you have all this support, family, friends, etc., then after awhile they just disappear. Do they really believe you are better and don't need them anymore? That's what it feels like. It seems like my continuing grief, sadness, and pure devastation makes them uncomfortable. So I guess maybe from this point forward I need to try to figure out a way to go it alone. I sometimes feel like there's something wrong with me because people expect me to be better....to be "over it". I've read all the books, been to support groups, I know in my mind that this is a long process especially due to the circumstances of the event, and the enormous love we had for each other. I also feel like maybe I am holding myself back because I truly can't fathom going on without Ronnie. I know I need to but I'm just not ready to.

Anyway, thanks for listening. It's comforting to know that at least strangers are out there being supportive.

Comments for 6 months Later and Still No Better

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Oct 16, 2012
six months to a lifetime
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband five and a half months ago. I had his ashes scattered two weeks ago. I think it is just now setting into my brain that I will never see him again. I will never feel his embrace, hear his laugh, or be able to talk to him in the middle of the night.
The first 3 and a half months I was so busy moving from state to state (five states in all) and had literally no time to grieve. Since I have finally settled and began talking to the pastor I have cried a few times, in reserve and for a couple of minutes at a time. But I cannot seem to release what I feel. The pain is too great. Tears will not come freely.
It seems such a long hard process. He was more than just my soulmate, he saved my life when I had leukemia with his blood, bone marrow and yes, even his DNA. He gave all he had and kept me alive for 13 years and I could not keep him alive for even 2.
Why was he the one to go when he was all of our stability and strength? With the holidays approaching I dread making decisions. I want Thanksgiving and Christmas to pass without pain but I know that will not happen because every moment of every day I feel a void in my soul. I am able to laugh with others, to get involved and do things...........but the void and the pain do not go away. I hide that part of me as best I can and some do not even know the hurt I feel. The few that are aware and have listened to me rant and rave try so hard to make it okay for me.......but the fact remains that it is not. It cannot be.
I am told time will make a big difference. Well so far it has, the more time that passes the worse I feel inside and the harder it is for me to believe I will ever truly be okay. Faking it does seem a bit easier at times, but then without warning I am cut down and dangerously close to becoming catatonic. The best I can hope for is to do something good for someone everyday. It is the only possible reason I can come up with for still living. And if I can succeed at this one thing then I will continue to face the lonely nights and diligently attempt to do my duty by day and take some small comfort that my husband is still beside me as we always helped others when we walked the earth together.

Sep 18, 2012
6 months later
by: albert

doesnt mean alot to me.I'm 88 yrs old how much time do i have to wait for better times

Feb 22, 2012
My Love My Life My Light
by: Andrew

Zoe, your comments made so much sense to me. I lost my beautiful wife 6 months ago and have found it incredibly difficult to cope without her. We were together as partners for 10 years and married for 2 and a half of those. Our anniversary was Valentines Day. Since her passing I have questioned what is the sense in even carrying on with life. Our relationship defined me as a person and now that she is not here I look in the mirror and desperately try to determine who is this person standing in front of me. Since her passing I feel that everything I am doing is wrong. I have a step daughter and I am torn with grief for her losing her Mum as well. I am terrified that I am so wrapped up in grieving for my wife that I lose focus in raising my step daughter. However, I realise that Zoe you are right. Six months is no time at all. The person I was before my wife's passing is gone and it will take a long long time to get used to this new person that is me. I spoke with my step daughter this morning and we both knew that we will carry this all our lives, and it will take time to get used to this new sense of what "normal" is. Grief cannot be rushed and the pain will come and go. It is a sure sign when you feel so much pain that you loved this person so deeply, so intensely that perhaps they carry that love with them when they go. Thanks you Zoe. Thank you everyone who has written on this blog. I love you my Beautiful Wife. I love you so damn much. XXXXXXX

Jan 31, 2012
So sad Wendy
by: Kim

Well Wendy you said it all and so did everyone else on here. I was just talking to my dad the other day about how no one acts the same anymore towards me. As you know it's been 6 months for me too and it still hurts like it did in the beginning. I was also reflecting on how I used to feel in the past about dying and I thought how scary it would be. I now have no fear of death as I just know that George will be waiting for me and I can't wait to see him again. I think of my kids and my grandson I will leave behind and I feel like I will surely miss them but I'm not the same person I was before my George passed. I don't feel like I can be as good of a mom as before because I'm always hurting and thinking of my loss and sometimes it consumes me and I don't know how to make it any different. I agree that the support we all got in the beginning was nice and comforting but then it just stops like no one cares how you are anymore and really they just don't want to hear that you haven't moved on and that you're still hurting so much. I guess no one knows what it is like until it happens to them. I hope things get better and we learn how to live and cope with our loss. I know when you live someone that much though the pain will never fully go away. Take care Wendy and you know I'm praying for you!

Jan 30, 2012
My New-found family
by: Wendy

Dear Vicky, Nancy, Virginia, Karen, Zoe & Trish once again,

You truly have my utmost respect and love, to be able to continue to support others like myself while going through your own private "hell". I too am trying to be supportive to others on this site, and I do find it helps me to think I may be helping others as you have helped me. Some of you have pain that is still so recent. Vicky & Virginia, I am so sorry for the loss of your children, and so grateful that you were able to move away from that pain for a second to try to console mine. You are all inspiring. I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to lose a child, and my heart goes out to those of you who have. As for a spouse, a soulmate, I can speak of that first-hand, and you all seem to understand so well the pain and loneliness. This was the love and support I expected to receive from family and friends. But I realize now I have new family and friends here on this sight, and I will do my very best to support all of you the way you have supported me on this long and lonely journey. We are in this together, and together we will get stronger.

My love and prayers are with each and every one of you.

One Breath, one Step, one day at a time.

Jan 29, 2012
my son Brendon
by: vicky

Hi, I know just how you feel, we lost our 26 year old son 2 months ago and it is not getting any better, it seems worse everyday, I just hate waking up in the morning because you know what the day is going to be like, our son was such a fun loving person, he loved all the fast cars and bikes, he worked hard as a carpenter away from home then he came home for awhile, the last time he came home the next job was not ready so he bought a new motor bike, he only had it 4 weeks when a man failed to give way to him and killed him. My best friend or so I thought told me after 3 weeks that I needed to dry my tears and move on, it was as if my son meant nothing, I now cannot talk to her, she has her children, she may one day have to feel the pain i'm going through then she will know that it is somthing you will have to live with the rest of your life because you can never forget one of your children, or perhaps she can because she really showed me that she has no feelings.I'm told that it will get better as time goes on, I can only hope that it does for you as well as all others on this site.

Jan 28, 2012
3 years and counting
by: Nancy

Dear Wendy, first let me say how sorry I am for your lost. I understand completely how u are feeling.When this first happens, were in survival mode there is so much too do and we just go on auto.My husband has been gone 3yrs. I also thought I should be better now and i have to say that at times I am better but at anytime it changes. I feel like I'm not going to be able to go on. I cry at anything,at life in general. I get so angry at Jim for leaving me.He had some nerve! But then there are times when I say That I am very lucky to have such a wonderful guy.There are people who go their whole life and never experienced such a profound love.I also think"It wouldn't hurt or bad and i wouldn't miss him so much"Please don't feel so alone ,you have this site where you can come and everyone will understand.

Jan 28, 2012
the process..
by: Virginia

I relate to what you said about people leaving....this is my first day being alone after my 48 y/o daughter died of liver failure from Tylenol on 12-26-11. I am not sure either about how to cope and how to act...It has been only one month for me, but I expect it to be just as sharp six months and six years from now.... But, I just wanted to say to you that I understand your comments about being alone and not knowing how to proceed in the grieving process. I do believe, however, if we don't hold it in and cry when the grief is just too much to bear, but in the meantime, try to take one step at a time out of this overwhelming grief, we will finally get to the point that we can mention them without a tear, but with a celebration of our time with them and to remember the wonderful people they were and the gift they gave us for being in our lives. May God bless you and give you the strength to go on as Ronnie would have wanted you to.

Jan 28, 2012
I know how you feel.x
by: karen australia

You are so right they are all there at the beginning but 5 months on no one seems to care or come around anymore.I lost my beautiful son Josh age 14 August 2011 and i am still crying and so sad on my own.They more or less say you are over him now so get on with it but it gets worse. I kiss his photo every morning and night and miss him so much. When you are left on your own its even worse no one talks about him any more and thats so sad. I go to sleep thinking of him and wake up thinking of him.I wish i was with him all i want is a cuddle and a kiss he was and is my baby.The only way people can understand how i feel is of they to have lost a child.But my family have all got on with there lives now and thats sad.All there at the beginning.Remember it doesnt get any better when you are a lone.Love to you Karenxx

Jan 28, 2012
6 months is no time
by: Zoe

Oh sugar six months is no time. It's the first big anniversary
I am almost two years past loosing John and a week ago
I found the wreath I had special ordered for the front door of the house we were building and got hysterical in front of the workmen in my house. This is what I have learned
First, everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You have suffered a loss and frankly you need to take as much time as it takes.
You know I feel like I have not moved off the starting blocks, but when I go back and read some of the things I wrote in the beginning, I know I have changed.

Second, you are not the same person you were 30 seconds before you had this loss. That woman is gone. I find that most people have a hard time understanding that. Grief can define you, it can mold you. but in the end, you are searching for the person this loss this grief has created. It can take a very long time.

Third. You cannot let anyone else rush your grief. I cannot speak to the loss of a child, but the loss of a soulmate, oh my how there are opinions. You should be getting over this, you should be better. Shoulda, coulda, woulda...you have to take the time you need.

Fourth: you need to find an outlet. I found it here, writing. On the blog and in a book. that is how I gave form to my grief. Find an outlet, there must be something, even if it is screaming in the woods, something

Fifth: you will never "get over it" it will in time become easier to live with, but you will always have this thing this grief. You need to see who this new woman is..

Sixth: you need to forgive yourself. You didn't do anything wrong, you did not cause this and you could not stop it. I know for my John I was crushed I had not done more, I did not see this illness, that I could not save him. It took a very dear friend to grab me and say that directly, you did not cause this, you could not stop it. Those are hard words to hear.

Seventh: you are moving away from that moment. I know you don't want to, you don't want to be taken from her, you don't want to move away from those last moments together, even if the moment after is a searing pain. But you are, time moves us all, time makes it impossible not to move. Eventually the brain starts to work around the pain, to make you functional. We don't want to be moved but we are.

I don't know if this helps
but the basic, the same thing that always comes forward is in moments when you cannot think of anything else

On Breath, One Step, One day at a time

Jan 28, 2012
Give It Time..........
by: TrishJ

Oh my goodness Wendy. You sound just like me. I wanted no part of moving on. I was 19 when I met my husband. We were married for 37 1/2 years. I found myself a widow at the age of 58. None of my friends have lost their husbands. Life didn't seem fair. When the one year anniversary came and went (December 3, 2010) I somehow foolishly thought an ease to the pain and suffering would magically happen. Boy was I wrong. I sat on that day, all by myself and cried. I thought, "OK, I can allow myself to be consumed by my grief or I can chose to do something with my life. My life will never be the same again. I have to learn to live with the pain." I was very hard on myself feeling that one year had passed and I really should be further along in the grief process. Almost two months have passed since the anniversary of Joe's death came and went. I'm actually beginning to have more good days than bad but it has taken me this long. The pain is easing somewhat. It'll never go away. I'm just learning to live with it more effectively.
You are so right. Friends and family drift away. Our grief does make them uncomfortable. They won't know the depth of our pain until it happens to them.
Take care Wendy. I was exactly where you are at the 6 month mark. I was crying myself to sleep saying over and over again, "I WANT MY HUSBAND BACK. I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT HIM. I'D RATHER BE DEAD." I was living completely in the past and held on for dear life to keep the past going. I had to come to terms with things in my own time.
Be patient with yourself. I also went through a tremendous anger phase where I was angry at everyone in my life. All I could do was stay away from everyone for awhile. That passed. I call those my darkest days.
God bless Wendy. Stay strong. We all have to work through the grief. We grieve so hard because we loved so deeply. We were truly blessed to have our husbands for as long as we did. Peace to you.

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