6 years today since Alex, age 17... you know
by I'm mom. Other people call me Linda
Today is March 12th, 2011. Six years ago when Alex was 17 he took his own life. Believe it or not, it really was over a girl. If I can give any piece of advice it is this: Parents, do not take matters of the heart lightly when it comes to your teenagers. You may think it's 'puppy love' but to the teen experiencing this love, it is very real, very strong, and all consuming.
I do not blame the girl anymore. Heck, she was only 14 at the time!
Alex had a host of challenges. He was bipolar, prescribed a ton of medications which he didn't take, in and out of trouble with the law. Gosh, sure makes me sound like the parent of the year. I first took Alex to counseling when he was 5 years old. I really did do and try everything for that child. It was to the point where I was full, well, and prepared to get a job as kitchen help in whatever penitentiary he ended up in just so I could see him every day. Yes, I was the committed mother. (perhaps overly so)
Alex is/was my only child. On top of grieving for Alex, I kicked myself for choosing not to have anymore children when I could have done so. It was sort of like a double loss.
I haven't had an "Alex moment" in some time now. I haven't picked up the phone to call him only to 'realize' and get that punch in the gut feeling. I haven't woken up before dawn from an all-too-real dream to run to the living room and see if he really is sleeping on the couch. I like to think that is a good thing.
It has taken me years to get to the acceptance point. I did all the stages of grief back and forth and over and over again. He is on my mind everyday and will be forever; he is my child, my only child. I keep a shrine to him in my bedroom and I like it that way. I get to see him every night... sort of.
Last night I dreamt of him. It wasn't like a movie dream. It was just images of him smiling. Like we were in the same room together, not talking, just sharing space. I know it was just my warped, twisted mind playing tricks on me but I liked it.
Today I will go visit him at "his place", but all I really want to do is go back to sleep to spend some more time with him.
I love you, Wild Child. You are gone but will never be forgotten.