6 years today since Alex, age 17... you know

by I'm mom. Other people call me Linda
(Longmont, CO)

Today is March 12th, 2011. Six years ago when Alex was 17 he took his own life. Believe it or not, it really was over a girl. If I can give any piece of advice it is this: Parents, do not take matters of the heart lightly when it comes to your teenagers. You may think it's 'puppy love' but to the teen experiencing this love, it is very real, very strong, and all consuming.

I do not blame the girl anymore. Heck, she was only 14 at the time!

Alex had a host of challenges. He was bipolar, prescribed a ton of medications which he didn't take, in and out of trouble with the law. Gosh, sure makes me sound like the parent of the year. I first took Alex to counseling when he was 5 years old. I really did do and try everything for that child. It was to the point where I was full, well, and prepared to get a job as kitchen help in whatever penitentiary he ended up in just so I could see him every day. Yes, I was the committed mother. (perhaps overly so)

Alex is/was my only child. On top of grieving for Alex, I kicked myself for choosing not to have anymore children when I could have done so. It was sort of like a double loss.

I haven't had an "Alex moment" in some time now. I haven't picked up the phone to call him only to 'realize' and get that punch in the gut feeling. I haven't woken up before dawn from an all-too-real dream to run to the living room and see if he really is sleeping on the couch. I like to think that is a good thing.

It has taken me years to get to the acceptance point. I did all the stages of grief back and forth and over and over again. He is on my mind everyday and will be forever; he is my child, my only child. I keep a shrine to him in my bedroom and I like it that way. I get to see him every night... sort of.

Last night I dreamt of him. It wasn't like a movie dream. It was just images of him smiling. Like we were in the same room together, not talking, just sharing space. I know it was just my warped, twisted mind playing tricks on me but I liked it.

Today I will go visit him at "his place", but all I really want to do is go back to sleep to spend some more time with him.

I love you, Wild Child. You are gone but will never be forgotten.

Comments for 6 years today since Alex, age 17... you know

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May 13, 2011
by: Anonymous

I lost my son also Alex aged 18 in January this year. He was 3 weeks off his 19th Birthday. He was my youngest child and passed very quickly, his inquest has been postponed until god knows when as the coroner wants more info. I need to know why he died. He was so full of life, fit and healthy. As a family we had 4 deaths in a 4 week period this year. I miss my beautiful boy and still can't accept he is not here. i go into his incredibly now tidy bedroom everyday. I feel like a part of my heart has been ripped out.

Mar 13, 2011
I understand
by: Anonymous

I lost my son 7 months ago to leukemia. He was 23. I miss him so much. I wish I could wind the clock back and just hug him one more time.

Mar 12, 2011
by: Danielle

i am so sorry for your loss.... my childrens father unexpectedly died in september and i have had 2 dreams and i know how you feel....i am going through a hard time now with the grieving process and i look forward to more dreams of when i can see him again...best of luck in your life, Danielle

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