6 years today since Alex, age 17... you know
by I'm mom. Other people call me Linda
I do not blame the girl anymore. Heck, she was only 14 at the time! Alex had a host of challenges. He was bipolar, prescribed a ton of medications which he didn't take, in and out of trouble with the law. Gosh, sure makes me sound like the parent of the year. I first took Alex to counseling when he was 5 years old. I really did do and try everything for that child. It was to the point where I was full, well, and prepared to get a job as kitchen help in whatever penitentiary he ended up in just so I could see him every day. Yes, I was the committed mother. (perhaps overly so) Alex is/was my only child. On top of grieving for Alex, I kicked myself for choosing not to have anymore children when I could have done so. It was sort of like a double loss. I haven't had an "Alex moment" in some time now. I haven't picked up the phone to call him only to 'realize' and get that punch in the gut feeling. I haven't woken up before dawn from an all-too-real dream to run to the living room and see if he really is sleeping on the couch. I like to think that is a good thing. It has taken me years to get to the acceptance point. I did all the stages of grief back and forth and over and over again. He is on my mind everyday and will be forever; he is my child, my only child. I keep a shrine to him in my bedroom and I like it that way. I get to see him every night... sort of. Last night I dreamt of him. It wasn't like a movie dream. It was just images of him smiling. Like we were in the same room together, not talking, just sharing space. I know it was just my warped, twisted mind playing tricks on me but I liked it. Today I will go visit him at "his place", but all I really want to do is go back to sleep to spend some more time with him. I love you, Wild Child. You are gone but will never be forgotten.
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