7 people in 2 months
In late September my two best friends from childhood died from alcoholism, they were 30. I received the news of one on Monday and the next on Wednesday.
That Friday I got a call that my cousin had died from an overdose, she was 20. The next week I attended 3 funerals.
Three weeks later on October 20th my grandfather died, he was 82.
After his funeral I got an email that a good friend from Santa Fe had died on Nov 1st, he was 73. I was unable to attend his funeral due to my own illness at the time.
Two weeks later my grandmother died on November 17th, she was 79.
Two days ago I got a call that my best friend of 16 years had died possibly weeks ago - found in his apartment, he was 30.
Someone quipped recently that I'm the "Angel of Death". I might laugh if it didn't feel so true. I have horrifying dreams every night. Most nights I cannot sleep unless I'm totally exhausted or have something to drink beforehand. I feel like there is a constant pressure on my body - a weight that cannot be lifted or moved. Even on a beautiful day surrounded by my closest loved ones I feel a thousand miles away.
I drove 1300 miles to visit my sister after my grandmother died, hoping to put all of this death behind me. Literally the moment I arrived and walked onto the beach I got a call that my best friend was dead. However illogical, it seems like something is following me. That somehow I'm the center point to a horrific nightmare. Despite all of these deaths being completely isolated from one another, I've never known anyone to lose so many people so close together.
Each new death eclipses the last, there is no real time for mourning or acceptance before another death is upon me. Losing my best friend now feels like starting the grieving process for everyone all over again. And I feel so alone. I have wonderful people around me (who have also endured severely in these losses) but no one who I think understands the unique circumstance with which I am wrought.
This message is hardly more than an attempt to gather my own thoughts about this time.