76 YEAR OLD HUSBAND MARRIED 46 YRS SEPARATES

by ADA SCHWARTZ
(BAYSIDE, N.Y.)

I AM A 71 YR OLD WOMAN WHO WAS MARRIED FOR 46 YRS TO MY 76 YR OLD HUSBAND.
SEVEN MONTHS AGO HE CAME HOME AND SAID HE NEEDED A BREAK. HE SAID HE WAS MOVING INTO HIS OWN APT IN B'KLYN. I WAS VERY UPSET. HE IS A GRANDFATHER AND VERY SECRETIVE. HE KEPT HIS PROSTATE PROBLEMS A SECRET FROM ME. I DON'T KNOW IF HE HAS CANCER. HIS PSA IS HIGH 5.2. HE COMES 2 OR 3 X A WEEK TO SEE THE FAMILY. I HAVE BEEN GOING TO A COUNSELLOR FOR SEVERAL MONTHS. HE TOLD ME HE WAS THINKING IT OVER AND MIGHT RETURN. NOW WE ARE GOING TOGETHER TO THE COUNSELLOR. HE TOLD ME HE WOULD LET ME KNOW AT THE END OF JULY. TODAY I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT HIS DECISON WITH THE COUNSELLOR AND HE SAID HE WAS GETTING USED TO LIVING ALONE AND WANTED TO STAY IN THIS APT FOR A WHILE. I AM UPSET AND AGAIN GRIEF STRICKEN AND CALLED HIM A LIAR. WHAT DO I DO NOW. HE SAID HE DOESN'T WANT A DIVORCE. WHAT DO I DO NOW.

GRIEF-STRICKEN AND HURT

Comments for 76 YEAR OLD HUSBAND MARRIED 46 YRS SEPARATES

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Jul 01, 2014
76 year old Husband married 46 yrs separates
by: Anonymous

I want to add some additional information about my separation. Tomorrow is July 2, 2014.
It was my wedding anniversary, but this man that left me told me he was going away with some guys he knew for a time share and would not be around for a week. I do not really believe anything he says NOw I truly know that this marriage cannot be reconciled. I was very hurt when he told me this and my daughter was very angry with him. She finally agreed that we should not have any contact with him. I tried to get her to do that in the beginning but sometimes he helped her out babysitting. I was living with a stranger who really did not care for me emotionally or physically. I am 72 years old. He is 77. I am still going for counseling but I wanted in the last session to know what he was intending to do, and I got I want to leave the situation as it is. I have one daughter and 3 grandkids who care about me. Also I have good friends who check in with me every day. I hope I can get over this.

May 29, 2014
76 year old husband married 46 yrs separates
by: Ada Schwartz

I just wanted to bring you up to date on my situation it still remains the same. He is still
living in his apt for l yr 5 months. I am still going to the counselor, but really cannot get answers from him. Last week was my daughter's 12th wedding anniversary, he said he would come over Sun and Monday to celebrate.Well my daughter tried to call him on the cell phones, he turned them off as usual when he does not want to be disturbed. She was angry. She called him Mon and so did I but turned off. She told him she was worried about him he is 77 yrs old. He did not call back. Well Tues am she called him again and said she was going to call 911, he called back and he said he was with some friends and was drunk. He says that a lot. She was very angry with him and said I do not want you to come to my house and see me and the grand kids for a while, you hurt me and made me and mom very worried, and he laughed about it. My eldest granddaughter who is almost 9 yrs old is very upset and now said she wants to speak to a therapist in the school. Not only did he hurt his wife and daughter, his granddaughter is affected by his behavior. My daughter spoke to the therapist and she said that her daughter wants to see her grandfather alone and speak to him. The therapist suggested that it would be a good idea. How can he be so unfeeling and not realize what he has done to hurt the family.

Aug 20, 2013
Husband still enjoying separation
by: Doreen U.K.

Ada Thank you for the update. I am so sorry that things have not been resolved in your favour. You have a husband who is USING YOU. You said that your husband visits 2 to 3 times a weeks and goes out to dinner with you and you are not happy about this. If you feel that you aren't and it is causing you more anger and distress THEN STOP HIM COMING OVER. If he wants his own space then this is what he gets. NO CONTACT AT ALL. He has got the best of both worlds. He visits you when he wants so he gets his emotional and social support catered for. Whilst you go home to loneliness and emptiness. As long as your husband knows he can come back and forth he will keep this up. Why would he want to come back when he has got what he wants. You on the side and his FREEDOM. If he is switching his phone off to avoid you. YOU DO THE SAME. Keep this man at a distance. Otherwise with this type of contact you will suffer more emotionally. HE WON'T. When he is really on his own and no contact with you or his child and grandchildren. THEN SEE WHAT HAPPENS? Put this to the test. You will flush out his true feelings. He is yet to get older and if he finds another woman who won't tolerate what you have done he will want to come back. What you need to do is establish companionship with someone. You don't have to date or be out for another man. Just share friendship. Your whole world will change. Your husband will be the one who will be jealous. Just don't give your husband the time of day. He must REAP THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS when he moved out and left you for his FREEDOM. Your husband may enjoy his new experience of being on his own, but how long can it last. In time he will feel it. I feel angry for you. The only thing he has in his favour is He went to counselling with you. But you can keep this up for yourself. I did this and I came out a WHOLE PERSON. Much happier and in control of my life. I was able to look forward. I know what I will and won't tolerate in a relationship. The most important being MUTUAL RESPECT. I hope to hear from you again with another update until you feel you are on more solid ground. Best wishes.

Aug 19, 2013
76 YEAR OLD HUSBAND MARRRIED 46 YRS SEPARATES
by: Ada Schwartz

I WANT TO BRING YOU UP TO DATE ON MY SITUATION. MY HUSBAND WENT WITH ME TO THE COUNSELLOR AND IN THE PAST TWO MEETINGS WHEN THE COUNSELLOR ASKED HIM WHAT HE WAS GOING TO DO ABOUT THE SEPARATION, HE SAID HE KIND OF GOT USED TO LIVING IN HIS OWN APT AND AND FELT HE WANTED TO CONTINUE LIVING THERE FOR THE TIME BEING. HE SAID HE COULD MAKE HIS OWN WAY WITHOUT HAVING TO ACCOUNT TO ANYONE. HE SAID HE STILL LOVES HIS CHILD AND ME AND THE GRAND KIDS, BUT FOR NOW HE WANTS TO STAY THERE. OF COURSE, HE COMES AROUND TWO OR THREE TIMES A WEEK TO SEE ME AND THE CHILDREN AND WE GO OUT FOR DINNER. I WASN'T VERY HAPPY AND WAS VERY UNHAPPY WITH THIS SITUATION. I TOLD HIM WE CANNOT AFFORD TO PAY FOR TWO APTS AND ALL THE EXPENSES THEY INCUR INDEFINITELY. THE COUNSELOR SAID THAT SEPARATED PEOPLE SOMETIMES TRY TO SOCIALIZE WITH NEW PEOPLE. WELL, I AM NOT REALLY READY TO DATE ANYONE OR MEET ANYONE, AS OF YET, BECAUSE I AM STILL ANGRY AND STILL HAVE THOSE FEELINGS OF BETRAYAL I AM 71, BUT LOOK IN MY EARLY 60 I KNOW I AM A ATTRACTIVE WOMAN, BUT NOT READY TO GO INTO THE DATING SCENE. AS OF YET HE HAS AGED A LOT AND LOOKS HIS AGE. I STILL THINK HE IS NOT BEING TRUTHFUL WITH ME AND LIES A LOT. HE WANTS TO NOT BE BOTHERED AND SOMETIMES TURNS HIS PHONE OFF TO SHUT OUT THE FAMILY AT HIS WILL. I NEVER THOUGHT
I WOULD HAVE TO GO THRU THIS. MY ONLY DAUGHTER IS VERY UPSET WITH HER FATHER BUT TRIES TO HOLD HER FEELINGS IN. I FEEL HE IS UNCARING, SELFISH
OLD MAN.

Jul 31, 2013
76 year old husband married 46 yrs Separates
by: Doreen U.K.

Ada this is a very difficult place for you to be right now. It is good you are going to a counsellor. If your husband stops going you must continue so that you can get your needs attended to. You will grieve your losses in counselling and will emerge a different woman. Counselling should increase your self esteem and give you more confidence. This husband of yours will want to come back. Do it for the right reasons. The counselling is for YOU.
Men seem to have more crisis than women. They can up and leave one day and all it is because they need their own space. But it conjures up all sorts of thoughts in a wife/woman. Try and remain calm.
If this is your first major crisis then you are very fortunate. Let him have his space and you find something for yourself even if it is to go out and socialise. When he finds that you are doing well without him he will be inquisitive and want to know why. Tell him you want your space so "I better get on with my life" and let him know how ridiculous it is to leave you at such a late stage in life. Don't show any signs of crumbling without him. do this in private. If you have siblings go out with them. Enjoy yourself. Find a new FREEDOM for yourself out of this crisis. If your husband returns you may end up feeling that you enjoyed being on your own for the same reasons he has left. I think it is healthy for a couple every now and then to find time for themselves. A wife who really knows her husband will not begrudge him this downtime. But make him realise that if he leaves it too long to return home it may be too late for you to take him back. Also make him understand if there is another woman in his life then you won't let him make a fool out of you. Remind him of the years you dedicated to him. The secret is FOCUS. don't focus on his leaving you. Focus on him having a private holiday. You are probably both retired and can get on each others nerves from time to time if one spends too much time together. This suits some couples and others could be offended at a separation. Focus on Him being the reason for the separation and not you. This will diffuse any anger, then you can work on other issues in counselling Please write back with an update. I have done the counselling bit and It worked for me. I resolved my losses and was FREE for the first time in my life and I was a different woman. I related better, and happier.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. 14 months ago to a deadly cancer and I am heartbroken. We didn't get quality time together to retire. Life is so unbalanced.

Jul 31, 2013
Well Of All Things
by: Judith in California

ADA, I know it's hard for you but please consider your life and contentment now. Tell him he can't have it both ways. Too many women sit and wait for a man to decide their future . It's Your choice. You do what is best for you. He made a choice and he has to live with it. Tell him that you are going to file for a divorce and you want his things out of your house. He wants the best of both worlds and he just can't have it . You , Ada, must set the rules for you. A consultation with a good lawyer will help you know what your rights are too and what Mr. wants to live alone will have to pay you.
He may be feeling his immortality from the worry of his prostate problem.
Maybe he will come to his senses once he hears what it's goung to costs him in the long run.
Tell him no matter where he lives he's going to die anyway one day just like the rest of us.

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