8 Months and It feels like Yesterday

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8 Months and It feels like Yesterday

My Guardian Angel, Watch Over Him Until Were Together

Then: June 21, 2010 ~ Now: February 21, 2011
8 Months ago my life was throw into a never ending spiral pushing and moving me into the unknown depths of my life I would ever known I had.

I am getting a little bit stronger each day and I try to have a positive attitude, but now I'm moving out into a life of "My Apartment". Now the "Alone" I feel with Billy gone is reflected in my living status. I'm alone each night and again each morning so now its just a different place, another 4 walls to look at will be the only difference. I've tried to do my life each day. I'm a sleepwalker in this time I call my life.
Because as I see it, its time, time, time and I go on.

All I can think of is back then and the I remembers.

I've screamed in my head, cried on my pillow and it feels like my heart is breaking all over again. I see more and feel more yet I'm forever in pain still wondering what am I suppose to do. I've read the books, talked to everybody and anybody who will listen and even some that won't but I haven't a clue what I'm to do. I'm lost, being pushed and pulled in every direction with no destination. I ask myself "Why" but as we all know, no one will be able to answer that question.

The tears come and go and I try to keep them in check because it embarrasses those around me. No one knows what to say or do. They think 8 months is a long time. It's one second, one minute and just a moment away from when he was here with me. I'm lost in the past, speaking to him like he's here and wishing I could just kiss him one more time, touch him one more time. So tonight I will hope to see him in my dreams, but until were together, forever my guardian angel will watch over him.

always, 1 step, 1 breath at a time

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8 Months and It feels like Yesterday

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Losing yourself, If only for a moment
by:

Patricia,

I like M. Macks idea of losing yourself, if only for a moment. If we were caregivers before when our loved ones became ill, we did not really take care of ourselves did we? All that we cared about was their well being, health, and worried with the other available time.

Losing yourself in a movie is good, although for me I stick with the goofy nick at night non thinking type of shows. I have not really watched more than a movie or two since he died. It reminds me of him somehow. Reading is a good escape if you can concentrate. Browsing is good but watch that impulsive spending. It took me a while to realize that I just wanted those endorphins that wore off before I got whatever outta the bag. Now I just look and thankfully say I don't need it.

When the weather improves find some hiking trails, something to get your wind going. It can be hard doing that without them but we need to start somewhere. Pampering ourselves is a good start. What makes your feel good? What takes you out of your own mind for just a bit? Hoping and wishing you well...
HH

7 and 8 months and it feels like yesterday
by: M Mack

Pat,
Even though it's 8 months - that's not enough time to recover a loss as great as ours. You are still feeling like I am, 7 months for me today. It's torture to mentally revisit a past life of memories that took us years to build. Everyday, our thoughts and line of thinking was centered around what we were. It's gonna take time- and for each of us it's different- to learn to live all over again. Our emotional attachments take over and we get weak all over again. I guess what it boils down to is up to us. We are our own gate keepers and what we choose to let in or let go of is up to us. Do something for you. It doesn't have to be anything big, just something you want to do for yourself. Movies are my fav pastime when I'm bored. I can get lost in a good movie. Don't need anyone for that activity- just a comfy chair, blanket and tv. So take it small steps, a little bit at a time. I hope we get back up on our feet soon. We need a break from swollen eye sockets. If we look like monsters who'll want to even look at us? Feel better, my prayers and blog hugs to you!

We Will Survive
by: TrishJ

It's been only three months for me. I think with every step we take we have to go through the pain of remembering how it used to be. Yesterday my grandson was home sick from school so I got Grandma duty. My daughters dog, a beautiful King Charles Cavalier Spaniel, lived with my husband and I for 18 months because he was very bad in their apartment. Once they purchased a home they took him back. I took Louie out for a walk and sobbed the entire time. The last time I walked him my husband was there to greet us after the walk. It was traumatic. Taking a dog for a walk!!
I know I have a long way to go to get where you are. I know I have to experience the pain to heal......but I don't like it. I thought my husband would be here to hold my little wrinkled hands and I would help him put batteries in his hearing aid (when the time came).
The nights are the worst. Coming home to emptiness is the worst of all. We will survive. We are strong women.
Blessings to you.

forever yesterday
by:

Patricia,

Remember this is your grief no one elses. They do not know how you feel and can not tell you how long you are allowed to grieve. Everyone handles it differently too. We feel, can commiserate each others grief. But it is still so very personal. You have a new place and that is nice not to share a home with your family. But it does bring on the feeling oh so much stronger of how alone you feel. You feel alone but we are here for you always.

We understand and you can tell us over and over in 1,000 different ways and we really do get it. As you settle into your new home make it yours...One stick of furniture, one plate at a time. If you really don't care then get only what you have to to get by. Paper plates are a girls best friend.

You might not like it but now is the time to do what you want. If you want a baked potato for dinner then by all means. If you want to watch some chick flick, do your toe nails, go blond, cut your hair short. Be self centered for now and do what you want. The things that you considered doing but never had the time? do it.

We are sadly not able to do things with them, nor do we have to compromise which I know we never minded... it was sharing. Do what you want and for those that don't understand you do not have to explain anything.

In fact I think that I have turned some type of corner. My grief is my own, I own it and won't share with any one but here. It is what made me small and helpless and no one has to know that. One look in my eyes and it is apparent that somehow I am damaged, but still...My business My grief. I no longer try to make sense of it I just ride it out and try to find a way...
HH

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8 Months and It feels like Yesterday

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8 Months and It feels like Yesterday