8 years not sure what it really was

by misty m
(benton harbor, mi )

Me and my husband met each other young he was 21 I was 19. we dated he proposed early, I said yes. at this time we were partying I was clinically depressed and rebelling at this time. not to shortly after I found out I was pregnant, I straightened up and stopped partying.he kind of did.we got married while i was pregnant and that night be abused me for the first time. after I had my daughter he was still drinking and would get abusive didnt help out with her or the house. I was alone no phone or tv or friends around. I went to school to become a medical assistant. then he lost his job, blamed me for it and didnt bother looking for another job, we got evicted, his dad and stepmom let us stay in their basement while he joined the army. he did and i raised our daughter alone. he got deployed to Korea immediately after basic training for a year,in which the whole time he spent money, got wasted and cheated on me. he came home long enough to get me pregnant. then deployed to Iraq for 15 months.he was still emotionally and verbally abusive and distant while over seas. i was alone in Missouri with two children. i started hanging out with some people i meant, got drunk one night and cheated on him. i felt horrible. he continued to be abusive and i wanted a divorce but he talked me into staying. he got kicked out of the army for drinking and domestic violence. we moved to Michigan. he decided to get on disability and not go to school he was the stay at home dad. i worked full time. he barely cleaned the house, and started smoking medical marijuana. we argued a lot. and eventually in the last month, i though things were getting better, then he started acting weird especially when i had a whole week off of work. he started telling me he wasnt happy. he wanted a divorce, he didnt know what he wanted. he loved me but wasnt sure. mind games. i found out he was having an affair right after he denied it and agreed to marraige counseling. then when i found out he wanted a divorce. i took the kids to stay at my parents for the weekend. i was to drop them off with him during my work day and walked in to pot all over the house and him having weird mood swings he was cussing at me and i called the cops they made him give me the kids back, cps got involved and up until yesterday they wouldnt let me drop the kids off to him without supervision. of course he hid everything and cleaned the house before he let cps in so they said it was safe. we have arranged to have him watch the kids while i am at work, my parents are moving out of thier big nice home in a couple of weeks. and my options are finding an apt that i can afford or move in with my husband again back into our home that we rent. which i dont want to deal with harassment and abuse. i do not know him anymore, yes he has been mean in the past yes we have argued, but this was a sudden from i love you to i dont love you and then he showed no emotion at all when i cried and cried about his affair or him telling me he wanted a divorce. how did he just up and decide he doesnt love me? did he ever love me? i mean i am a christian, i am funny, i work hard, have a career, morals, goals, and this girl he is with is younger, lives with her mom and brother and her 1 year old daughter waitresses and they all smoke pot?? and she is better than his wife of almost 8 years. our anniversary is this month. I dont know why i ever agreed to take him back only to have him cheat, lie and break my heart. i am trying to find a lawyer and apply for assistance so i can move on. i just want to fast forward.

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8 years not sure what it really was

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Aug 05, 2012
 Advice from Been There Done That
by: Judith in California

Dear Misty, First let me say congratulations that you stopped the partying and acting out and got help and turned Your life around.
Unfortunately, we can’t control the actions of another no matter what we do. From my viewpoint he was never ready to do any part of a “normal” life with you from the first abusive act. He did what he thought was expected of him not what he really wanted to do. HE didn’t want to grow up or grow as a person like you. You fought the good fight and sadly had children in the process. Now they are going to have a absent father and no real good man to look up to.
I feel he is a narcissist and sociopath. He never would like anything you did.
I feel God would not want you to stay in an abusive marriage. That is a deal breaker. HE wasn’t just physically abusive he was abusing you emotionally as well as the children. It’s best he is gone. Now you can create a loving, peaceful home for your children. And show them that that is how they should live.
He had a warped since of what love is. It’s best he has supervised visits with the children. You would not want him to continue his abusive nature with them as they will be that way too. Children live what they learn. I would not let him watch the children under any circumstance and the thought of you moving back in with him is just craziness and insanity and you know it. If you do you’re asking for trouble as you had it and it will get worse.. You and those children deserve a better life. In your mind you know this is true.
You should not be concerned with what he is doing with his new girlfriend.

You have done so much for your betterment and you lost your self esteem to tolerate such abuse for your self and your children. Please try and get some aid to go to a counselor and fight for your life. IF you are all of those thigs you say then eventually down the road you will find someone who is worthy of all that.

Your husband is not going to change..He doesn’t think he needs help. HE is a druggy. Period . Simple ! He needs more help than you have time for and you don’t need another child to raise, which he is. His mind is chemically changed and until he gets off drugs and booze forever he will never be a good choice for you or your children.

The BIG question here is why would you want a man as you have described who abused you, doesn’t have the gentleness to hold you or say I’m sorry or give a damn that he hurt you or cares that you cry and bigger who has no parenting skills for your children. IF you love them do not let him back into their lives with out supervision.

My son’s father was like that. He ended up killing himself. I know of what I write.
Please let me know what you chose to do.
Aug 04, 2012
 8 years not sure what it really was
by: Doreen U.K.

Misty I am sorry for your loss of your relationship/marriage. To use a British expression. You have been through the wars and you are suffering battle fatigue. there comes a point when enough is enough. I think you have reached this point. You have weathered this storm and tried to make it work. You are being realistic to know that it takes two to make a marriage work. If you don't have the co-operation of your husband then you are fighting a losing battle. I APPLAUD you for trying and then realising it won't work and doing something about it. You say you are a Christian. You should have enough FAITH and BELIEF in God to know that He will help you through this break. Even if DIVORCE is not in God's Plan. Living in HARMONY is God's plan for our lives. Life will be a struggle but with the correct support you will be able to move forward and see this nightmare as OVER. Just don't take your husband back if he comes knocking. You did this once before and it didn't work. You will get your life back on track and you will be HAPPY again. Make this your goal. I wish you every success in the future.

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