80 days.

by Wendy

I walk through the shopping mall. I look at strangers and wonder if I look different to them. I might seem OK, but I am just half. Half of me is gone. My lovely man is lying dead, he has been very ill, but now is gone. I thought he would live on and on. but no - he is gone. I saw him lying there and lay my head on his chest. I cried and asked "has it come to this?" The doctor came and squeezed my hand, with gaze of kind compassion. I felt in a daze.
My mind seems to be gone....I'm distracted and vague ... my children take over. Some say it is good, he suffers no more - how can it be good when I feel so bad? Since he has gone I have noted his birthday, Christmas, our 45th wedding anniversary and my birthday.......these days seem so empty, yet so full of memories ...so full of pain. It is now 80 days since he passed away. Life goes on, but I am searching for him...in my mind...in my soul...something is missing- so terribly wrong...my life seems so empty, I am a shell. There is nothing inside me and I've no-one to tell. When memory strikes, I fold up inside, feel like crumbling and curling up, try to escape the onslaught of pain and bleak loneliness. Where is my partner, my best friend, my love???

Comments for 80 days.

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Sep 24, 2012
by: silver

Dear GOD how I remember those first few months.At first the shock-"I can't believe how well you are handling this"from a family member.Then it hits.I'm alone.He's gone.NO IT CAN'T BE. I cry and cry and cry some more. I sleep,my only relief,for a couple of hours get up for a few minutes and sleep again.I don't want to go out. I don't want to eat. Luckily,I had a son who cleaned and cooked some for me those first few days after the funeral.The fact that my mother died 7 months after my father was what kept me from giving up and having the same thing happen to my children. It has been 16 months now. I still cry a lot but I am beginning to think of things I can do to get out some. I am beginning to give some of his things to his sons. It's so hard parting with some of them that I will keep part of them for awhile at least.Nancy is right.Without thinking it has gotten easier to live.I will always miss him. We were married 33 yrs and one week.I thought I was the only one who did this but I talk to him often.Especially at night before I go to bed. Remember,only some of us are so lucky to find that special soul made for us to be with.I cherish every day I got to spend with him,Although I wish it could have been more.GOD give you strength I send you love and prayers

Feb 08, 2012
by: Tony

So sorry! My soul mate Joan and I, were together 38 years. Cancer seems to be the big genocidal villain on most that I read here. The only thing I found sensible is that it is random. It will never make sense in this life / world. Maybe we will find out later.........

Feb 05, 2012
I'm so Sorry
by: Anonymous

My heart breaks reading your note....so well put , I think most of us who have lost a spouse feel the same...the emptiness, a ship without a rudder if you will. It's been 10 weeks since I lost my wife, it's not getting easier, my only relief is when I sleep,she comes into my dreams nightly now..I was told it is a way of our souls connecting....if that is so, I wish I could sleep forever so then i could be with her ....I hate life

Feb 04, 2012
80 days
by: Pat J.

We never imagined such grief. I lost my mom, it will be 36 years in June. I survived that loss. It will be 6 years in April, my dad passed away. I survived his death. Now, I am experiencing grief, I never knew really existed, with the loss of my husband of 46 years, the 27th of June, the day after our 46th wedding anniversary He died from a massive heart attack sitting on the side of our bed.
I miss everything about him and this ache in my heart for him will never go away. I know, I am becoming very independent. I married him right after graduation and we always said we grew up together. I went from the security of my parents to the security of my husband. After 46 years, I now am learning to live depending on myself. My 5 adult children are always here for me, but they have no clue as to what I am going through. They keep telling me, they want me happy again. I lost part of my heart when Red, his nickname died. We all lost a part of ourselves when our lover, soulmate and best friend died. This life has been forced on us and we can either fall apart or pick up the pieces and go on living. I now choose to go on living, because that's what Red wants for me. I will always have this ache in my heart, we all will, but with my faith in God and the spirit of my husband in my heart I will make it. It is a real roller coaster ride and I have never been on a roller coaster in my life.
I keep telling myself, one day at a time; faking it until I can make it. One day we will all make it. God bless you! We all get it. We are all strangers, but have a common bond. I come to this site everyday. It helps me, to read others stories,to share my story. There isn't any time limit on our grief and it is our grief to own. No one can tell me to get over it. I WILL NEVER EVER GET OVER IT, NONE OF US REALLY DO; WE JUST GO ON.

Feb 04, 2012
17 months
by: Judith in California

OH Wendy, I have felt your pain and am sorry for your loss. Right now just 80 days is so fresh to greif. I can assure you it will become better. Just give yourself time , it's all we have really. One day, one breath at a time. I pray you find peace and happiness in time . It's been 17 months for me and I've come so far but there was a time I would have told you no way.

Feb 04, 2012
It will improve
by: Nancy

Please let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I too know the pain of loosing a soul mate, twin flame. My husband passed away 3 years ago 1/22. I know all the feelings u r experiencing .I know you've heard this before BUT as time goes on it does improve,It never gets better ,(the only way it could, is if they could be back with us again!) Everything you are feeling is normal we all have those feelings. I find that when i'm missing him,or the pain is more than i can bear, I close my eyes ask Jim to help me and I feel the warmth of his love.I talk to him all the time sometimes I'm yelling at him,most times,I'm crying asking him Why?. It's crazy but it helps I know he is here in spirit,It my heart. So when u think u can't take it anymore just remember he is with u.
AND U CAN ALWAYS come here to express how you are feeling.We all understand

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