I walk through the shopping mall. I look at strangers and wonder if I look different to them. I might seem OK, but I am just half. Half of me is gone. My lovely man is lying dead, he has been very ill, but now is gone. I thought he would live on and on. but no - he is gone. I saw him lying there and lay my head on his chest. I cried and asked "has it come to this?" The doctor came and squeezed my hand, with gaze of kind compassion. I felt in a daze.
My mind seems to be gone....I'm distracted and vague ... my children take over. Some say it is good, he suffers no more - how can it be good when I feel so bad? Since he has gone I have noted his birthday, Christmas, our 45th wedding anniversary and my birthday.......these days seem so empty, yet so full of memories ...so full of pain. It is now 80 days since he passed away. Life goes on, but I am searching for him...in my mind...in my soul...something is missing- so terribly wrong...my life seems so empty, I am a shell. There is nothing inside me and I've no-one to tell. When memory strikes, I fold up inside, feel like crumbling and curling up, try to escape the onslaught of pain and bleak loneliness. Where is my partner, my best friend, my love???