A Bad Month

by Ashley

About a week after thanksgiving 2008, we found out my grandma had cancer. And the doctors told us without constant chemo she would only have 2-3 months. So as bad as this news was, i thought it would be a good time to start "preparing" myself for what was to come.

Less than 3 weeks after this news, my dad walked in my room crying telling me that she passed away in the middle of the night. I think I was more shocked than anything at this point because it happened so suddenly.

She died on december 16th 2008.

It didn't even quite hit me until I went to her viewing. From the moment I walked in the door I couldn't stop crying. Her funeral was the next day, and there was a huge ice/snow storm so I couldn't go, and almost a month later I still feel guilty.

After the viewing I went to see my grandfather. He seemed to be okay, he was making jokes and what not. I think as a way to help him deal with it. He seemed okay on Christmas too, a little upset, but that was understandable. He fell in love with this kitten I got a few months ago so I thought I would take him over to his house to see him, and my grandpa seemed so happy to see him. the kitty laid on his lap and everything. I thought things were getting back to normal.

Then on monday January 5 I got a text from my mom saying she called to check on him to see how he was doing, and she said it wasn't good.

We were planning on going to see him the next day. After school I got a call from my other grandma saying he was moved to hospice. So we dropped everything and went to go see him.

When we got there he just wasn't the same person. He couldn't stay awake, he would stop midsentence and forget what he was talking about, and he couldn't even move on his own.

The last night, Wednesday, right after class at about 3 we went to go see him. The nurse had called my mom while I was gone and said that he wasn't waking him. I think it was from all the medicine they kept giving him.

We were there till about 10 when I finally decided I was hungry, so my mom and I walked down the vending machine and grabbed some snacks. When we got back to the room, my aunt, uncle, and my cousin were all gathered around his bed. My heart just stopped because I thought it happened while we we're gone.

After awhile everybody started gathering around his bed, waiting for the moment. After about an hour I fell asleep in the chair. When I woke up, I heard everybody crying. My mom told me his lungs were filling up with fluids and they couldn't do anything.

The way they had turned him, his head was facing me, his eyes and mouth both open. I stared at this in disbelief for the longest time, not wanting to realize I was watching my grandpa drowning in his own body. And there wasn't a single thing I could do to help him. His eyes were staring right at me the whole time...

Then last night when I tried to sleep, I couldn't. Seeing him like that is the only thing I can see now when I close my eyes and it just brings back the feeling of helplessness.

I just know tomorrow I get to go to school, and explain to everybody about why I wasn't there today. And I hope to God this gets better soon. Because right now, I'm going on no sleep. I just wish there was some way to make sure he was doing okay...