a bad year...

by Mandy
(Hood River Oregon)

My mom suffered a brain injury that left her unable to move from the neck down and severe brain damage. Everyday I couldn't help wondering if today would be the day she would die from complications. Initially the doctor said she would likely never wake up from surgery. She was in a coma for a month. After she came out of her coma she was moved into a foster care facility for the last 17 months of her life.
Then they said she would likely never speak again.
She did, but she has so much brain damage...it was so horrible to listen to her beg to be taken home or scream at you or not be able to speak at all. She begged to die so many times. It's really hard to try to encourage someone in that situation. No hope for recovery and you just had to sit and watch her rot away.

Eight months later my husband shot himself in the head 3 feet in front of me. He recored our argument and emailed it to his family. He also emailed them a voice recorded message saying he was so sorry but I was the reason he was doing this. A week later when they checked their email they got his messages. His mother called me and said that they were only going pay for the $5,000 funeral if I did not attend and then hung up on me. He blamed me and his family has still never spoken a word to me. None of his friends or family came to his funeral, they had their own separate one.

It was open casket. The last expression he had alive was frozen onto his face. They did a pretty good job hiding the bullet hole but that they could do nothing about. He looked so hurt and angry as he screamed his last words at me. Then he shot and was on the ground. Seeing that expression again was so hard. I was instantly transported to that moment.

Six months almost to the day my mom passed away. It was the worst year of my life.

Looking into the eye's of a person who knows they are going to die just before they die, is incredibly difficult to carry. It's a heaviness and pain I cannot ever seem to explain.

It's only been a year and a half since my husband died and I think of him and my mother so many times during each day. I would give anything to go back in time.

Comments for a bad year...

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 09, 2012
The worst year ever
by: Doreen U.K. England

I am so sorry for both the losses you have suffered. First your Mother and then your husband. Both of whom died in different circumstances. One a sudden death and the other a slow painful death. You had to watch your mother die slowly and due to brain damage she would have expressed herself vocally in a way that would cause you more distress due to perhaps her being abrasive because of her brain injury. It is not uncommon for one suffering brain damage to be angry at a caregiver.
Your husband was cruel in the way he behaved towards you as if he set you up for a fall. It doesn't make sense for someone to do this to a wife that has cared for him as you have done and quite obviously upset as you share how you feel about his death.
It is sad that your husbands family has ostracised you and treated you with contempt over their son's death. It was staged in his favour and the pain from this behaviour would no doubt paint you in a bad light. You would not be able to defend your case. Your husband crossed a boundary between you, him and his family that would be very difficult to recover from. No one wants to be shown up as a bad person and you don't deserve this. Such injustices leave scars that don't heal as the death has no closure for both families.
Perhaps talking to a counsellor would help you make some sense for yourself of a senseless act of self murder staged for his family and his benefit. This is not normal behaviour and you should be able to reclaim some comfort and closure for yourself from both deaths and help you to move forward from this experience.
I hope that life gets better for you as you try to heal from this tragedy.

Jun 09, 2012
Things Will Be Better
by: Judith in California

Mandy, I'm so sorry for your losses. If you could go back in time just what would you do different that would change the oure of a very disturbed man who was not wiling to accept responsibility for his own actions. It's not your fault and I hope you see that. Even tho you loved your husband he was very selfish to have planned such an elaborate scheme. There's nothing you could have done to change him. How sad and horrific for you to have had to witness such an act of someone's inner pain. I do hope you have someone to talk to , like a therapist to help you sort it out and to know it wasn't your fault.

I looked into the eyes of my husband as he was dying and I will never forget it. Standing there knowing I could not help him or save him. The despair I felt.

Please keep God in your life and know your life will get better.

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Multiple Losses.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!