A Beautiful Butterfly

by Amanda
(Downingtown, PA)

I can remember it like it was just yesterday, July 26th 2010. I was 21 years old. I hadn't seen my Mom in weeks, she had just gotten back from her dream vacation cruising around the carrebian islands. I got home from a vacation at the Jersey shore and I loved coming home to know the family would be having dinner together. After dinner I was heading to bed early, I said goodnight to my mom and hugged her. She asked me what I wanted for dinner the following night so she could plan it out, then told me she loved me and said goodnight. Five hours later my life changed forever. I woke up by the sound of my step father on the phone pacing the hallway, I heard him say "she is not breathing please help". I get out of bed still asleep and peak my head out the door to see whats going on, to find my 18 year old sister standing in her doorway crying. I was into my Mom's bedroom and she is just laying in the bed. Sleeping it seemed. It was 4 am so what seemed to wrong? I got on the phone with 911 since I was the only calm one in the house, instructed CPR, and the police finally got to the house and took over what needed to be done. Once the ambulance got to the house and took her, continuing CPR, I calmly got dressed, and walked outside. Told my step father and sister that I would drive and meet them at the hospital. The ambulance was blocking my car so I just waited patiently, watching..As I stood there in the driveway I thought to myself, "wait, she is not sick..she is completely healthy. I just talked to her and she was perfectly fine. This is just a false alarm." I turned to watch them put her in the ambulance, continuing CPR, and suddenly saw her arm fall from next to her. My heart stopped.

I got to the hospital and found my sister and step father, I was now calling family members, (my moms sister and her parents.) and getting no response. When the EMT from the house came out to the waiting room to get us, I has a sense of relief. "Oh they are coming to get us so we can go see her great!" They took us to a comfortable room in a hallway that was very quiet. When I look back now I wonder how I did not realize that in that moment that means something bad happened. The doctor then comes in and asks the three of us questions about Mom's health. We all responded with easy answers, all wondering when we can finally see her. Until she said the words ill never forget, "there was nothing we could do, she is gone, im so sorry." As my sister and step father fell to the floor I just sat in the chair and starred at the Doctor.

Once family got to the hospital, we all got to see my Mom. Once it was my time to be with her, I had nothing to say. I was numb. I could not even cry. I remember what she looked like, and I then remembered seeing her arm fall when she was in the ambulance. All we got out of her death was that she had minor blockages in two of the arteries to her heart and she just could not take it. So she passed silently while sleeping. She was 46 years old.

My mom and I had such an amazing bond. Long conversations about love and life. So many memories. She was my person, the person who has your back no matter what, does not judge you, lays in bed with you when a boy breaks your heart.

It took me about 2 weeks to cry. Now it has been 2 years and I cry a few times a week. Her memory and her love will always be with me, but for some reason it just seems to be getting a little harder with time instead of easier.

My mom had beautiful gardens that she planted herself, all around the house. She had huge butterfly bushes and every summer night she would sit outside and watch the butterflies in the bushes. A few days after she died I sat outside and watched the butterflies, thinking of her. A beautiful butterfly landed right on my hand, I moved my hand slowly towards my face to get a closer look and it did not fly away. It was a moment of about 30 seconds that seemed like an hour, a moment ill never forget. Was it a moment of my mom telling me that she is okay? Or was the butterfly knowing how I was feeling. Ill never know, but I will always remember that the love I have for her will never change.

It is true what the say, make sure you tell the ones you love how much you love them when you can..because they can go at anytime, unexpectedly.

Comments for A Beautiful Butterfly

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Sep 06, 2012
A Beautiful Butterfly
by: Doreen U.K.

Amanda I am sorry for your loss of your mom. A sudden death will sometimes need the support of a grief counsellor if any one of you is stuck in grief. You asked the ? Is it right to tell the people you have left in your life that you love them. YES!! In an ideal world. But we don't live in an ideal world. We are all fractured in some way or another. It depends on the type of relationship we have with our families whether it is easy to say I LOVE YOU!! Caring for a person. Being available for them. Being supportive. Making regular contact. Phoning regularly, ENCOURAGEMENT, and many other ways of interacting with people are all ways of indirectly saying I LOVE YOU!! YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO ME! I VALUE YOU! Respecting a person by VALIDATING how they feel. Are all ways of loving that person. And it will be understood to the recipient. But there are times when appropriate to say I LOVE YOU.! You can even say "YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME I AM SO GLAD I HAVE YOU IN MY LIFE." there are so many different ways to say I LOVE YOU. if one says it too much it becomes monotonous and sort of like a ritual. It loses its value. It is how we interact with People that shows whether you value them. Even if you don't get it back. Establish this quality till it becomes a way of life. It leaves you with a warm glow all the time because you know that you are doing something right and you are making a difference in someone's life. And that is good isn't it. You may encounter some people with low self esteem and no matter how much care you give that person they may not feel any different. that is another scenario. Don't worry about it just keep on doing what is good and it will still be valued.

Sep 06, 2012
by: silver

I was blessed to have my mother for 60 yrs. She died about 6 weeks before my birthday.I thank GOD that he took her when he did because she had Alzeheimers disease and soon I would have to be taking her to court to take away her rights. She couldn't find her way around anymore and my son had to take her where ever she went. She was losing the ability to handle money.She didn't cook or clean house anymore. Luckily I have a wonderful son who lived with her and helped her. Daddy had died 7 months previous and she sat in a chair and gave up. She died of a blood clot to the heart. My niece and nephew were there and tried CPR. I was on the way to the Dr.'s for my husbands chemo treatment when I found out. I couldn't not go for the treatment and when I got to the hospital I ended up where you were...in a small room for them to tell me that mom was gone. I lost it.Several of my family was there and we were all in shock. Like you, when I went to see her I just looked and wondered why she wasn't moving. She had been very healthy all her life. She had been a military wife,raised six kids(one of them mentally retarded),buried a daughter,and still went on. I was at a loss. She was my friend in later years.We were so close.I miss her daily. I feel for you and the loss of your "butterfly".GOD be with you

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